My Bermuda Triangle

I am directionally gifted. (Though perhaps not so humble).
I can easily follow directions and navigate to my destination. There are the occasional wrong turns, but I quickly find my way again. Once I've been to a place, I can rely on memory to get there again.
While in Thailand, I was the designated navigator. Even though we had both lived there for two years, my roommate still managed to get turned around and lost. I told her never to go anywhere new without me.
On my European vacation this summer, I traveled with two different friends. I was the map reader for each friend in every city we visited. And though both may point out that at times we got lost (I was in a foreign city using a limited area map), I was always able to find our place again. Sometimes it just took longer than they might have liked. But I don't like to stop and ask for directions.
I am currently living back in the area where I grew up. I know how to get around here. Except for one loop that goes around the city. If I have to get on that loop, I will get lost.
Tonight I was faced with the loop. I never had to get on the actual loop. But I was near it. And the curse still struck. I got lost. And it wasn't exactly in the best part of town. I ended up on a service road that dead ended next to the loop. Unsure which way to go, I followed the car in front of me to the left. I followed it until the car turned into a dump, the road dead-ended, and I was facing a warehouse. Throngs of half-dressed people were headed towards the warehouse. I U-turned and drove away. Quickly.
I drove back under the cursed loop. And finally found my way. Past the liquor stores and adult video stores. Back to the highway that took me safely home.
I hate that loop.

Not dysfunctional, but a little bit crazy

Two of my friends spent Thanksgiving in Costa Rica because they didn't want to spend it with their families. I wasn't invited. Their reasoning- my family likes each other. At the holidays, I don't feel dysfunctional with my family, but I do with my friends.
My family isn't normal. At least in comparison to most of the people I know. There have been no divorces on either side of the family. We spend most holidays together. Not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day. And sometimes we randomly get together for no holiday reason. And my friends are right, my family does like each other. Oh sure, I've been annoyed with a few of them at times. But we really do enjoy talking and eating and having fun.
This year we spent Thanksgiving Thursday with my dad's family. Here are the highlights of that experience:
1. Lots of food- turkey, ribs, sausage, 2 pans of macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, green beans, peas, stuffing, coleslaw, spinach casserole, rolls. This doesn't even include the dessert table. We probably could have fed a small country.
2. Lots of drinks- beer, wine, coffee, soft drinks. By the end of the day there were only soft drinks left.
3. Games- Scrabble, State/Capital Trivia, Washers. This year there was no big Scrabble tournament. Perhaps the bitterness of Christmas 2002 lingers from when I won the $20 pot. There was a Washers bet between 4 of my cousins. The losers were very cold after they took the losing swim in the non-heated pool.
4. Karaoke- yes, we had Karaoke. I'm very suprised the police were not called because the singing and drinking took place outside. The best part of my aunt's house is the patio next to the pool. This is where the rented Karoke machine was set-up. When my aunt first told us she had rented a Karaoke machine we thought she was crazy. After all this is the same aunt who hired a pig to perform at her grandson's first birthday party. But everyone sang. It was quite a party. I'm worried Christmas will seem boring in comparison.

name-calling

My students think the best way to resolve their problems is to use name-calling. I'm not sure adults are much better. I know I still call people names when they piss me off. And my choices aren't very nice at all. I've been listening to the new put-downs used by kids today. Sure, there are the ever popular ones- nerd, geek, stupid, cheater. But here is a sample of some of the new ones I've heard:
1. Hippie
2. Houdini
3. Michael Jackson
4. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
I'm not even sure why some of these are considered insulting. But perhaps the next time someone pisses me off, I'll call them one of these names. Just to see their reaction.

"I should know who I am by now"

There was a time when music had no meaning for me. I simply listened and either liked the way it sounded or I didn't. But then I began to really listen. I began to learn more about the artists, the genres, the lyrics.
Now music has become an important aspect of my life. Many of the songs I choose to listen to have meaning in my life. They remind me of a time in my life or a person I knew. Or I play songs that help me cope with the feelings of the present.
Sometimes it seems a song or even just one line of a song can completely paralyze me. I connect to the emotion and the meaning and the emotions I feel are magnified- anger, disappointment, hope, love.
A compilation of songs can convey a powerful message. As John Cusack's character, Rob, in High Fidelity says, it is "using someone else's poetry to express how you feel."
Tonight I listened to a CD I've been wanting to buy. Before now, I've only heard one song. And it seems to be my current theme song. The entire discography seems to express my thoughts and feelings. Now I know why I was cautioned not to buy it.

The title is a song lyric from Joshua Radin's song, "Winter."

cam confession #2

I love to make lists. When I lived in Thailand, I had a little red notebook that I filled with lists. These are some of the lists in my notebook: important Thai phrases; places to eat; DVDs; places to visit; trip schedules; Christmas gifts; expenses; etc.
I have lists written all over the place. On post-it notes, backs of envelopes, and in my new notebook. I actually get excited about opportunities to make lists. To-do lists, grocery lists, work-out schedules, blog ideas, cds I want to buy. This summer I was asked to make a list of my top 5 favorite movies. I didn't actually like the task of thinking of 5 movies, but I enjoyed compiling a list.
The Scholastic Book Fair was at my school this past week. Teachers could write a wish list of books. I found one book that I wanted, so I put it on my list. A student gave it to me, and I am so excited. I now have The Book of Lists. 308 pages of lists- about art, social studies, numbers, pop culture, science.
Reasons I am excited about this book:
1. It is a book. Full of lists.
2. It has intersting trivia.
3. I like collecting books.
4. It was a gift from a student.
5. It makes me feel a little less neurotic. Or at least a little less alone in my neurotic list making.

cam's pumpkin agenda

Perhaps I do have a pumpkin agenda. But I think it is important to make people aware of the great pumpkin conspiracy. The more I talk with people, the more I realize I am not alone. There are others who love pumpkin as much as I do.
We lovers of pumpkin share with each other new pumpkin discoveries. For it seems pumpkin is no longer limited to a pie. In addition to Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte, there is the Jack in the Box pumpkin shake, Krispy Kreme pumpkin doughnut, and the most exciting- pumpkin beer.

FREE BEER!

I got an evite to a fundraising event at the Barley House. In an effort to raise $1,800 for the American Stroke Association, free beer will be provided to those who donate $25 to the cause.

Okay, so technically it isn't free. But I'm not paying for the beer. I'll be donating my money to a good cause. And drinking for a good cause. And it all takes place on the party patio. A patio, free beer and a good cause- this is the best fundraising idea. Ever.

And I checked out some of the people who responded yes. There is an Owen Wilson on the list. Could it be? Eh, I won't really care after several free beers.

cam confession #1

I worry.

This is a problem that I've struggled with for most of my life. When I was young, I worrried about the scary things. Like getting lost or being kidnapped or being left behind if the rapture came. The last one is a worry that affected me well into my college years. It is proof that there is such a thing as spiritual abuse. I recently discovered I was not the only one with this phobia.
As I got older, the worry became more specific. I worried about my grades, about making the right decisions, about disappointing others.
In college my anxiety began to manifest physically. Before exams, I would complain to my roommate that I was getting sick. She told me my stomachaches were not because I was sick- at least not physically. You know how some people can tell when it is going to rain because their joints begin to ache? Well, my roommate could tell when I had a test because I'd complain of stomachaches.
In Thailand, I rarely worried. I didn't have much to worry about. I taught 15 hours a week. Half my lessons were given to me. The other half was teaching the alphabet and basic words. I had no place to be each night. My biggest decision on any given day was where to eat. I would make to-do lists (because I love making lists) and it would have four things for an entire weekend. I actually made the following To Do list:
1. Finish book
2. Work-out
3. See movie
4. Buy CD
I had October vacation and March-May vacation. I learned how to relax and do nothing on many beach vacations.
Last year, when I returned to the States the worry began to return as well. At first it was just a little. I worried that I wouldn't find a job. But once I had a job, the worry lessened. Last year I retained a lot of the carefree attitude I had found in Thailand.
But then the anxiety began to creep into my life. First a little, then a lot. I began to experience the stress of friendships. Then it was the stress of responsibilities. And then the stress of relationships. For me, stress leads to worry. And then too often, the worry leads to more stress.
Right now, I feel overwhelmed with both stress and worry. I'm worried that anxiety has taken hold of my life. People tell me not to be stressed out by things. If only it was that easy.
This fall, my anxiety caused me to experience chest pains.This scared me. And even though the doctors wouldn't diagnose my anxiety, I believe it to be true. I don't know how to stop the worry. Maybe I'm addicted to worry.

And so I confess.

It's the Great Pumpkin Conspiracy, Charlie Brown!

I've recently become obsessed with pumpkin. Almost like Linus on Charlie Brown. I've always enjoyed pumpkin. Each Thanksgiving I look forward to pumpkin pie almost as much as turkey (that is another topic of conspiracy). Before Thailand, most of my pumpkin experiences were limited to this dessert. But then in Thailand, I discovered a great pumpkin dessert- boiled pumpkin in sweet coconut milk. But I'm not really a dessert sort of person, so this year I've enjoyed broadening my pumpkin options. Last week I had pumpkin cinnamon pancakes. Perhaps I had built up my expectations for the pancakes too much, because I was disappointed. They seemed to be more cinnamon than pumpkin. Two days later I tried pumpkin coffee. It was so good... My mom sent some of the coffee home with me, reminding me that she loves me a lot to share her pumpkin coffee with me. And yesterday at the Baked Potato Teachers' Lunch there was a pumpkin dessert (not pie) that I had to try.
My friends have noticed my pumpkin obsession. Last week I got an email from a friend telling me about Starbucks' new Pumpkin Latte. Another pumpkin enthusiast has told me this isn't very good. Someone else informed me that 7-eleven has a pumpkin coffee. I haven't yet tried it to see if it is good. On work email (a group of my friends who email all day while at work) we had a discussion about this very topic: pumpkin. All this pumpkin, made me wonder- why do we only have pumpkin from Halloween to Christmas? Is there a great pumpkin conspiracy?
So this morning, I began to research. It occured to me that perhaps there is a very logical reason to the limited pumpkin season. I'm not a farmer- farmercam, interesting idea- so I don't know much about growing things. I found out that pumpkins are grown on all the continents except Antarctica. Pumpkins originated in Central America. The early European settlers added pumpkin to their diet as a result of the influence of the Native Americans. This might also be the reason pumpkin is linked to Thanksgiving. The cycle of the pumpkin begins with the planting of the seed in April and the harvesting of the pumpkin in October. I guess there is no conspiracy after all. It is strictly how the pumpking grows.
Though I'm pretty sure I enjoyed that pumpkin dessert in Thailand year round. I think I'll continue to believe in the Great Pumpkin Conspiracy as I enjoy my pumpkin coffee this fall and my pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving.

update: When I asked a friend why she thought there isn't pumpkin year-round she said: "because it is weird. Quit trying to push your pumpkin agenda."

am i a good teacher?

Apart from the fact that last week I found myself standing in the front of the class and suddenly panicked, "do I really want to teach the rest of my life?", I often thinking I could enjoy being teachercam. But then I wonder am I a good teacher? One of the reasons I enjoy teaching is because the kids amuse me so much. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to say I enjoy teaching because it is rewarding. And at times, that may be true. But more often than not, I like my job because the kids make me laugh. Even if I might be laughing more at them than with them.
Yesterday a student said 'damn' in my class. It took all my maturity not to laugh when another student was tattling to me. Perhaps I should have been upset or even angry at the word choice, but the student who said it was the least likely student. It was a girl who reminds me of myself at that age. She is quiet and well-mannered. She never gets in trouble. When I questioned her, she immediately started crying which left no doubt that she had in fact said 'damn.' I never did find out what caused her to break rule #3- no rude talking or gestures. It is always the quiet ones you have to watch out for...
I wasn't really mad at the situation. I found it all very amusing. My "star student" saying damn during math. In all honesty, I think I like her so much because she does remind me of me. Sometimes she can be a real smart-ass. And I love it!

Feeling old

The first six months of being 25 were great. But now I feel old. It isn't so much that I think I'm old. Because I really don't at all. It is that my body feels old. Maybe because I associate being tired all the time with old people. And being negative. Whenever I talk to my grandmother, it is always the same. She's tired and she complains about being tired- along with any other ailment. Maybe it is just this adjustment to my new job. But I feel exhausted all the time. It makes me dread when I really am old.
Not only do I feel old lately, but I'm worried I've begun acting old, too. I went to bed at 8:00 one night this week. I would have done it every night if my schedule had allowed it. Instead of heading out to the bar as I usually do on Wednesday, I went to bed at 10:00. I actually had friends over, we were enjoying some wine, and then at about 9:30 I pretty much kicked them out of my apartment. Though I think I had that right since I cooked them dinner- appetizer to dessert. And I wonder why people think I'm domestic.
Going to bed early isn't the only example that I might be acting old. Tonight I went and played Bunko. It is a game played by many middle aged women. In my case, it was middle aged women who are all teachers. I didn't win any money, but I did enjoy leave a little less sober.
As soon as I get some energy, I plan to recapture my youth. Perhaps I'll be as daring as to stay out late on a school night once again. I curse the guy who called me old last year when I went to bed by 10:00- because now I know he might have been right.

cam dogsits

Whenever I babysit, my friend reminds me that I have a "12 year old girl's job." I'm pretty sure the same could be said about dogsitting. Unless of course that job involves a Great Dane and a hungry Lab. Then no 12 year old girl should accept the job. I'm not even sure a 25 year old girl should accept. I spent the weekend dogsitting for my hairstylist two dogs. I survived the weekend. Though I was afraid for my life everytime "the horse" leapt into bed with me. I was very nervous he would jump on me and crush me in the process. I may not be 12, but there are many 12 year olds are taller than me. There is a reason why my friends call me 'small one.' And this was the reason I was a little worried about taking care of a dog bigger than me. Standing on all fours, the horse reached my chest. Taking care of "the fat one" wasn't exactly easy either. When the horse wasn't jumping into the bed with me, the fat one was. But it was a little more difficult for her. Gravity was often against her. And though smaller, she seemed to take up more room than the horse. Additionally, she woke me up before 6 AM to feed her.
But perhaps there was good hair kharma that resulted from spending time at my hairstylists house with her dogs. Or perhaps it was the access to all the good hair products. Whatever the reason, I have great hair today.

good music vs. bad music

When I was younger, I used to pretend that I knew about music. For the most part, it worked for me. But when I was in Thailand, my roommate decided I needed a serious education. And so, I began to learn about music. About the artists, genre, etc. Although Thailand wasn't the best place for this education. I only had three english TV stations and one was MTV Asia. I learned a lot about pop music. But now that I am back in America, I am exposed to good music again. Ironically, most of the artists are from Europe. Now I'm addicted to learning more about music. When I have conversations, I actually sound like I know what I'm talking about. And more importantly, I usually do know what I'm talking about.
Now that I'm back I listen to music often. Especially in the car. But recently my poor car's CD player stopped working. This could be the end of my sanity. I'm forced to scan the radio or choose silence. I've actually chosen silence on several occasions. Last night I was scanning the radio, desperate to find something decent to listen to. Instead, I found a radio station calling itself the "official holiday radio station." Yes, it was November 5th and they were playing Christmas music. And it was bad Christmas music. I found myself unable to change it for at least a minute. It was that bad. I love Christmas. And I love Christmas music. But this is ridiculous. I just dressed up for Halloween. I'm not ready to Deck the Halls.
Maybe my dad's right. Maybe I do need to buy a new car. As one friend who recently bought a car pointed out, it isn't so much buying a new car, but rather a CD player on wheels.

teachercam

Being a teacher, I now face all sorts of stereotypes. People expect me to wear painted vests and denim skirts (and not the cute, fashionable short kind). One friend offered to buy me a pair of apple earrings just to get me on my way to being a true teacher. But I said I wouldn't be that kind of teacher. So far, I seem to be doing okay. Apart from last weeks crazy socks incident worn with a dress. But I was just trying to support Red Ribbon Week. Themed days that involve the opportunity to wear pajamas to school are a very good thing, however, the Ernie socks- not exactly my finest fashion moment.
But today, I did something I told myself I wouldn't do. I stayed late. Very late. It was dark and the only other person in the building was the custodian. Not only did I stay late, but I was there early. Too often teachers feel the need to work long hours. I understand that my friends in other jobs do this, but I'm pretty sure they get paid more than me. I know teachers who work long hours, then take papers home to grade. They have no life other than their work. And I don't want to be that kind of teacher. I prefer to think that teaching is simply the job I do that allows me to do what I really want to do: travel.
Realistically, I'm realizing this isn't the case. Yes, teaching allows me to travel, but teaching is no longer simply the means to meet the end. There is too much responsibility involved. I have to meet the demands of my principals, parents, but more importantly the education of my students. Additionally, I spend my time solving problems and loving them. Because I work in a school where the kids don't always get love at home. And so, unwillingly I've become a teacher who gives more than the expected minimum. Now all I need is apple earrings to wear with my school shirt. And beer. Lots of beer. To help me cope with this fate of being teachercam.

Who is cam?

The first blog I read was written by a guy I dated before Thailand. My life seems to center around this idea: Before Thailand (BT) and After Thailand (AT). Perhaps this is because one of my biggest fears is that this will be the most interesting aspect of my life. And I'm only 25.
Three years ago I took a risk. I had the chance to move to Thailand, and I took it. I didn't even hesitate. I was offered a job, I accepted it, and three weeks later I moved there. I was more scared of not taking the opportunity than I was of moving half-way around the world from my friends, family and life as I knew it. It was great. I loved it and decided to stay another year. And now I'm back in the United States. I've been back for over a year. Yet, I can't seem to move beyond that experience. I talk about it. To strangers. Just last week, when I was standing in line to vote I found myself telling the man behind me all about living in Thailand. Why? Because it is interesting. When I started sharing about my life now, it seemed a lot less interesting.
I'm actually a lot busier now than BT and in Thailand. My social life is crazy busy. Maybe because after living so far from my friends, I learned how important it is to surround myself with friends. Especially ones who speak English. Since moving back, I've also actually had a dating life. In Thailand I never dated. The Thai men didn't speak enough English and I value good conversation. The American/English speaking men dated Thai women. I couldn't win. Ironically, I've had one serious relationship AT, and he left me to move to Taiwan and will most likely become one of the guys who wouldn't have dated me in Thailand. Seems he likes the idea of finding a Taiwanese honey.
Sometimes it feels like I'm still readjusting to life. I miss living in a big city. I'm probably not going to live in a city bigger than Bangkok. I also miss the warm weather year round. But I'm adjusting to life now. Trying to accept what it is. My life in Thailand steered me to the path I'm on now. I would have never pursued teaching, but my teaching experience in Bangkok made me realize I really like teaching. But if this is true, why can't I be happy as teachercam? I think it is because dreamercam worries about settling. Becoming complacent. Never pushing myself to take another risk.
I liked the idea of starting a blog. But I worried whether I had anything worth writing. Even though I write emails all day long and always have something to say. In an email conversation with a blogger friend, she encouraged me not to worry so much. And to just start writing. I'm also trying to get over the idea that when I write it needs to be either 1. funny or 2. insightful. Instead, I just plan to make my writing honest and real.