Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I bored with this "vacation"

I've been in my hotel room since 12:30. I missed out on the afternoon session of my conference because there were some work issues I needed to address. I've been sending and checking email and using up lots of my cell phone minutes. If I don't call anyone for the rest of the month, you'll know why.
This is not a vacation.
I was lucky to have a friend visit me Friday night through Sunday morning. Then I have the opportunity to interact with people at the conference. However, I still don't really know anyone. I've eaten a lot of meals by myself. I'm trying not to let it bother me. But I miss people. I miss people who know me and want to talk to me. Usually when I travel, I go with these people.
This is not a vacation.
There is a lot of "drama" going on with my job. I'm stressed about being gone. I feel it necessary to think about work while I am here. After all, they are paying for this trip. I am anticipating all of the chaos I face when I return to work on Friday, and it stresses me out.
This is not a vacation.

I need a vacation. A real vacation. Just 61 more days to go...

Monday, February 26, 2007

I'm on "vacation" this week

Actually, I'm not really on vacation. I'm not even eligible for vacation time for another 63 days.
I'm in Baltimore this week. On business. Who knew I would end up in a job that would involve "business trips?" I certainly never anticipated being in such a position. Maybe that is why I was so eager to go when the prospect was first presented to me. After all, I love to travel. Being in grad school the past year and half severly limited my travels. So when my boss mentioned she and the big boss wanted to send me to Baltimore for a conference, I eagerly agreed to go. The best part? They are paying my expenses- hotel, travel, meals, taxis, etc. I can't remember the last time I was actually concerned about "getting a receipt."
I arrived in Baltimore Friday evening. My original plan was to have a certain guy I've been seeing meet me in Baltimore to do some sight-seeing. But when he cancelled due to his own work, I found it to be a serendipitous result. Even though I called on Thursday night, my friend who lives in DC was available to take the train up to hang out with me. I haven't seen her since August. We went out to dinner Friday night, then spent Saturday enjoying sight-seeing around Fell's Point and just doing some long overdue "catching up."
My conference started at 8:30am on Sunday morning. Since my office sent me here to do "fact-finding" and research (my office will be partnering to host the conference in 2008), I had to be there bright and early. I have to admit, even though it was early, I ws eager to attend. The conference topics are very much in line with my own interests. Also, working on Sunday means I'll be able to be off next Friday when I'm flying back to Texas for a wedding.
Today was Day 2 of the conference. I have a feeling by Day 5 I'll be ready to go back to NYC. Until then, I'm enjoying my mini-vacation. Like most people of my generation, I'm already discovering reasons to hate my job. So until I can take a real vacation, I'm going to pretend this is a vacation. And I suppose in a way it is. I'm not in the office. I'm staying in a hotel where I sleep in the middle of a King size bed that is made up for me every morning. I get to enjoy meals prepared by and paid by someone else. I'm exploring a new city. I'm listening to interesting presentations. Until I can take my European vacation, I suppose I'll take what I can get. After all, who am I to turn down a free trip?
I'm hoping the Carribean project my boss keeps mentioning actually happens. I am willing to make that trip for them...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

today's epiphany

I realized that lately I've been focused on quantity and in doing so I forgot that it is quality that really matters in the end.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I'm tempted to cheat on the one I love

Delta has advertising posted in the subway that, in my opinion, is quite clever. The ads tell New Yorkers to "cheat on New York." The ads are for flights to Europe. You don't have to tell me twice. I love New York. I've written about New York as my true love. Yet, I am so ready to "cheat." I'm growing restless. I haven't been on a trip (other than Texas) since moving to New York.
This summer I'll finally have paid vacations for the first time since moving to the city I love. I'll also have the means for traveling again. While I might not be able to afford a long vacation (due to time and money constraints), I can hop a flight to Europe for a long weekend. This is just one more reason I love New York.
It is easy to cheat on the city I love...
I think I might see how much a flight to London or Paris will cost. Anyone want to join me in Europe this summer?

Monday, February 19, 2007

making choices and setting boundaries

Today I awoke with the resolution that I was going to have a good day. In fact, I am determined to have a good week.
So I am making a conscious effort to focus on the positive, ignoring the negative. I am trusting what I know to be true and ignoring the doubts and fears that try to creep in and distract me. Wow... I just had a flashback to two years ago when I was facing these same thoughts in my counseling sessions. I guess it is a lesson that has to be learned over and over. Why is there a part of my psyche that tries to convince me to believe in the worst, believe that I am unworthy of happiness, believe if I take a risk and get hurt then I deserved it?

This morning I woke up full of hope. In spite of the cold temperature outside and the infrequency of hot water during my shower, I was optimistic about the day. I arrived at work prepared for the challenges I would face. The truth is, my job is full of a lot of negativity I must overcome each day. I knew this when I accepted the job. I was either desperate, naive, or optimstic to believe I could look past the negativity and suck out the positive. I like to think it's the last one. The irony is that while the environment is chaotic, tense, and negative, our boss keeps preaching about creating a relaxing, positive, "holistic" work environment. Little does she know, she is the reason our work environment is none of those things. I know I can't control her impact on my work situation, but I can control mine. I am focused on setting boundaries. I don't care that it is expected for me to work through my lunch break. I know I am more productive if I have had time to step back from my stress- and eat. I also don't care if other people arrive early and stay late. Sure, I know I must do this from time to time. Just this morning I got there 20 minutes early. But there is always work to be done whether I work an extra hour or not. I make myself leave. I go to the gym. I do all the things that my boss preaches but doesn't practice. I am setting boundaries. I do not check my work email at home unless I think it is necessary. It will be there in the morning. I can do it then- when I'm fresh, and I've got a hot mug of coffee to enjoy.

After the gym, I stopped by the grocery store. Last week I didn't take the effort to think about grocery shopping or even cooking dinner. I wasn't taking care of myself. Maybe it was the influence of reading papers all day about nutrition, but I was inspired to buy lots of healthy food and actually cook dinner for myself. When I got home, I poured myself a glass of wine, played some relaxing music, and sauteed my shrimp and spinach and mushrooms.

I've continued relaxing throughout the evening. I have been taking time for reflection. I have been trying to "center" myself as my supervisor likes to say. I put on the Lighthouse Family CD I bought while I was in Thailand. The whole CD just has an optimistic sound. Especially the song "Happy":
Hey, what's happened to our lives?
When did you and me, forget, how to have a good time?
you and I, gotta get back to the life
That we forgot cos we got too much on our minds

Hey we got to make some time
For the stuff that you can't buy
And get a life cos you know all tha serious stuff ain't no fun

Who says you can't, be happy, all the time?
I know, but I'm still gonna try

Sunday, February 18, 2007

a new week, a better week

Most people who know me would likely describe me as optimistic and upbeat. Sure, I have bad days, but I usually recover fairly quickly by focusing my attention towards something positive. I usually make it through each week by creating little things to look forward to throughout the week. For example, Tuesday is Roommie Night with wine and reruns of Sex and the City. Wednesday is LOST and "hump day" signally I'm half way to Friday. Thursday is Grey's Anatomy with wine and popcorn. And of course, there is happy hour at Nacho's each Friday. Usually these little things keep me positive and optimistic. I'm just little miss sunshine, with a Pollyana attitude.
This is why when I had a bad week, not just a bad day, people noticed. Last week was all around terrible. I was quiet and sullen. I cried a lot. I was too inwardly focused on my own thoughts to be available and in the moment with other people. I was "not myself."
When I woke up Saturday morning, I decided that I had let my emotions ruin my week but I would not ruin my weekend as well. It was on Saturday that I discovered the value in "retail therapy." I learned that I am, in fact, my mother's daughter. I'm not saying I learned to love shopping. But as I walked around H&M, and then Macy's, I was distracted from all that had been bothering me throughout the week. Instead I was looking for ways to treat myself, cheer myself up. After all, why should I let other people affect my mood?
This weekend was not what I had originally hoped it would be. But it still ended up being fun.
Today is the start of a new week. I'm back to my sunshiney self and believe that I just have to focus on the little things that make me happy rather than get mired down in the disappointments that are out of my control. Some of the things that bothered me last week still need to be resolved. But in the meantime, I plan to focus on the positive. Because my attitude is something I can control.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

a true tall-tale by a very short girl

It snowed on Wednesday. Even though it was very snowy, I did not get a Snow Day. I had to go to work. There was no Valentine's Day in my pajamas watching movies all day. I did drink coffee, but I do that every day. Given the cold temperature and the snow and slush that covered the ground, I took the bus to work. I took the cross-town bus to Broadway with no delays. When I got to Broadway, there were no uptown buses anywhere. Finally I started walking. Luckily, four blocks later I was able to hop on a bus. It took me 40 minutes to get to work yesterday morning. It takes me 20 minutes to walk.
This morning was our weekly staff meeting. I knew I had to be work by 9am. I left my apartment at 8:25am. 10 minutes before my usual time. I didn't see a bus, so I decided I should start walking. I could not be late to work. I walked one block. I still did not see my bus. So I continued walking. I stepped through snow banks, crossing the street and cautiously making my along the sidewalk towards the park. As I looked at the park covered with snow, I wondered if I could make it up the stairs without killing myself.
This park is unlike most of the others in New York City. From my side, looking up, the park resembles a fort. It's as if a barrier has been set up between Columbia and Harlem. I know I resent that barrier every morning when I must trek straight uphill, climbing 165 stairs.
This morning I really hated the stairs. Especially since they were covered in snow. As I was walking, I thought of the tall-tale my dad (like so many dads) used to tell about how "in his day he had to walk to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways." There I was. I was walking to work, in the snow, uphill. Sure, it wasn't both ways. But I was in a skirt and boots with 2 inch heels.
As I attempted my suicide mission, I envisioned myself falling down those stairs. I wondered who would find me shivering in the snow with broken bones. With each step I felt my boots slide somewhat unevenly as I stepped to the next stair. When I reached the final landing, I looked up at the last set of stairs. I wondered if I would successfully make it without falling. I slowly worked my way up the stairs, each step more uncertain and treacherous than the one before. Half way up, I saw a guy walking down the stairs fall and slide down 3 steps. I decided to trek through the higher snowbanks to be closer to the railing. By the time I reached the top, I was pulling myself up using the rails.
I'm not sure if I'm going to walk to work again tomorrow. But if I do, I think I'll go around the park and stay away from those deadly stairs.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

thoughts on Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've got a mixed reaction to this manufactured holiday. While I don't hate the idea of a day where you do something special for the people you love, I am still strongly opinionated about not celebrating this holiday due to principle.
First of all, I don't like that this holiday discriminates against single people. Valentine's Day is undeniably a "couples holiday." You can't escape all the marketing that is aimed towards couples in love celebrating Valentine's Day. As a result, I have known too many women who suddenly find themselves depressed to be single because on this day they are left out of the celebration. For them, Valentine's Day is suddenly "Single Awareness Day." I cannot support any holiday that makes people feel bad about themselves. As a wise friend of mine once pointed out "One is a whole number." Why should single women be led to believe their lives aren't whole because they aren't in a relationship? I'm pretty sure most men don't feel this way on February 14th...
Secondly, the whole marketing blitz is targeted towards men. There is suddenly an increased pressure placed on them to create the "perfect" Valentine's Day for their girlfriend or wife. Trust me, I know that I have never felt this sort of pressure. But I'm also usually not in a relationship on this holiday (which inevitably takes me back to my first complaint.) So it seems to me, not only is Valentine's Day discriminatory, it is also inequitable. Women are set-up to expect a certain degree of romance from their men, and men are set-up to fall short of these expectations. That's why I prefer not to celebrate at all. Then I don't have expectations, and he doesn't have to worry about disappointing me.
I do not plan to celebrate Valentine's Day. I do not plan to protest Valentine's Day, either. I guess I'm just indifferent (while at the same time being highly opinionated.) Actually, I'm hoping we get a big snowstorm in NYC tomorrow. After all, my favorite Valentine's Day memory was the year we got snow in Texas, and I did nothing but drink coffee and watch movies in my pajamas all day.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

funny sights on my way to work

While walking to work on Wednesday, I passed a dog dressed for winter. Now I've seen dogs dressed in coats or sweaters. I never thought I would say it, but I think it is a good idea to give them the extra layer. However, I wasn't prepared to see a dog in boots. That's right. I saw a dog wearing little black boots in addition to it's coat. I didn't even know they made doggie boots. The best part was when this woman came up and said to the dog, "Hey there (insert name of the dog). I like your little boots." She said it as if it wasn't weird to see a dog wearing boots.
It was "Pup in Boots".
While walking to work on Thursday, I passed a turkey. That's right. I saw a turkey in New York City. It's not the first time I've seen this turkey. He (or she) lives in Morningside Park. It's still a funny sight, though. Who expects to see a turkey wandering around like it's supposed to be in New York City?
I suppose the title of this post should really be "funny animals on my way to work." All I know is that these little things in the morning make me smile. And that is always a good way to start my morning.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

grey day

While yesterday was sunny and happy, today is grey and melancholy.
My walk to work seemed somewhat gloomy with the grey sky and melted snow. I did pass a turkey in the park which at the very least is a funny anecdote. I had to be here before 9am since Thursdays are our weekly staff meetings.
I had my first "encounter" with my BIG boss. While I don't believe I did anything wrong, I knew better than to argue or justify my actions. I simply agreed to do what she asked. After being in this office for a while, I've learned the politics. I've also learned to accept the criticism (even if unjustified), then let it go.
I also continue to feel frustrated that I don't have a desk, computer, or phone. Now that I'm a full-time employee, these things are even more important. Yet, I'm not sure how long I'll have to practice this lesson in patience and flexibility.
Who knows? Maybe today will improve. The weather hasn't. Of course, it's only 2 o'clock. But even if today remains pretty much like it has been, at least I know it's Thursday- Grey's Day- which means, at the very least, I can still look forward to popcorn, wine, and quality time with my roommate watching Grey's Anatomy.

My Sunny Day

Yesterday was an all-around great day! There are some days when you wake up and you just know it is going to be a good day. That's how I felt yesterday. I woke up with minimal snooze button pushes by 7:15am. I showered, dressed and got ready. Then made my mushroom omelette for breakfast, chopped veggies for my salad, packed my lunch and snacks for the day, and made my coffee. I was out the door by 8:30am. My first stop on my way to work was the Post Office. I had gotten a package and would not have time to get it after work. There was no one at the window when I got there. So I went to the bank, only to discover they don't open until 9am. I went back to the Post Office and did get my package. I had to drop it back across the street in my apartment. But of course, I couldn't just leave it there without opening it. So I quickly tore open the box and discovered three new hats to keep my head warm. Which was perfect timing considering the ground outside was covered with snow and ice! I donned my cute, new grey hat and was back out the door by 8:45.
As I walked to work through my neighborhood, then the park, I just took time to relax and enjoy the morning. Sure I was going to be a few minutes late to work, but it was truly a beautiful morning worth enjoying. It was sunny, and the sight of snow just made me happy. Luckily I was only about 5 minutes late to work, and no one seemed to have noticed.
The rest of my day went really well. I had a successful day #3 in my new job as associate program manager. My time was spent efficiently as I finally crossed off some to-do items I'd had a while. Then I enjoyed running a few errands during my lunch break. Now that I'm finally a full-time employee, I can actually enjoy a lunch break!
I worked out after work, enjoying the new benefits of my gym membership such as towel and locker service. I continued a productive day by going to the laundromat to do my overflowing laundry. Then I spent the rest of my evening relaxing with my roommate with conversation and wine.
It was a really great day. My sunny attitude mirrored the weather!