making choices and setting boundaries

Today I awoke with the resolution that I was going to have a good day. In fact, I am determined to have a good week.
So I am making a conscious effort to focus on the positive, ignoring the negative. I am trusting what I know to be true and ignoring the doubts and fears that try to creep in and distract me. Wow... I just had a flashback to two years ago when I was facing these same thoughts in my counseling sessions. I guess it is a lesson that has to be learned over and over. Why is there a part of my psyche that tries to convince me to believe in the worst, believe that I am unworthy of happiness, believe if I take a risk and get hurt then I deserved it?

This morning I woke up full of hope. In spite of the cold temperature outside and the infrequency of hot water during my shower, I was optimistic about the day. I arrived at work prepared for the challenges I would face. The truth is, my job is full of a lot of negativity I must overcome each day. I knew this when I accepted the job. I was either desperate, naive, or optimstic to believe I could look past the negativity and suck out the positive. I like to think it's the last one. The irony is that while the environment is chaotic, tense, and negative, our boss keeps preaching about creating a relaxing, positive, "holistic" work environment. Little does she know, she is the reason our work environment is none of those things. I know I can't control her impact on my work situation, but I can control mine. I am focused on setting boundaries. I don't care that it is expected for me to work through my lunch break. I know I am more productive if I have had time to step back from my stress- and eat. I also don't care if other people arrive early and stay late. Sure, I know I must do this from time to time. Just this morning I got there 20 minutes early. But there is always work to be done whether I work an extra hour or not. I make myself leave. I go to the gym. I do all the things that my boss preaches but doesn't practice. I am setting boundaries. I do not check my work email at home unless I think it is necessary. It will be there in the morning. I can do it then- when I'm fresh, and I've got a hot mug of coffee to enjoy.

After the gym, I stopped by the grocery store. Last week I didn't take the effort to think about grocery shopping or even cooking dinner. I wasn't taking care of myself. Maybe it was the influence of reading papers all day about nutrition, but I was inspired to buy lots of healthy food and actually cook dinner for myself. When I got home, I poured myself a glass of wine, played some relaxing music, and sauteed my shrimp and spinach and mushrooms.

I've continued relaxing throughout the evening. I have been taking time for reflection. I have been trying to "center" myself as my supervisor likes to say. I put on the Lighthouse Family CD I bought while I was in Thailand. The whole CD just has an optimistic sound. Especially the song "Happy":
Hey, what's happened to our lives?
When did you and me, forget, how to have a good time?
you and I, gotta get back to the life
That we forgot cos we got too much on our minds

Hey we got to make some time
For the stuff that you can't buy
And get a life cos you know all tha serious stuff ain't no fun

Who says you can't, be happy, all the time?
I know, but I'm still gonna try