cam confession #1

I worry.

This is a problem that I've struggled with for most of my life. When I was young, I worrried about the scary things. Like getting lost or being kidnapped or being left behind if the rapture came. The last one is a worry that affected me well into my college years. It is proof that there is such a thing as spiritual abuse. I recently discovered I was not the only one with this phobia.
As I got older, the worry became more specific. I worried about my grades, about making the right decisions, about disappointing others.
In college my anxiety began to manifest physically. Before exams, I would complain to my roommate that I was getting sick. She told me my stomachaches were not because I was sick- at least not physically. You know how some people can tell when it is going to rain because their joints begin to ache? Well, my roommate could tell when I had a test because I'd complain of stomachaches.
In Thailand, I rarely worried. I didn't have much to worry about. I taught 15 hours a week. Half my lessons were given to me. The other half was teaching the alphabet and basic words. I had no place to be each night. My biggest decision on any given day was where to eat. I would make to-do lists (because I love making lists) and it would have four things for an entire weekend. I actually made the following To Do list:
1. Finish book
2. Work-out
3. See movie
4. Buy CD
I had October vacation and March-May vacation. I learned how to relax and do nothing on many beach vacations.
Last year, when I returned to the States the worry began to return as well. At first it was just a little. I worried that I wouldn't find a job. But once I had a job, the worry lessened. Last year I retained a lot of the carefree attitude I had found in Thailand.
But then the anxiety began to creep into my life. First a little, then a lot. I began to experience the stress of friendships. Then it was the stress of responsibilities. And then the stress of relationships. For me, stress leads to worry. And then too often, the worry leads to more stress.
Right now, I feel overwhelmed with both stress and worry. I'm worried that anxiety has taken hold of my life. People tell me not to be stressed out by things. If only it was that easy.
This fall, my anxiety caused me to experience chest pains.This scared me. And even though the doctors wouldn't diagnose my anxiety, I believe it to be true. I don't know how to stop the worry. Maybe I'm addicted to worry.

And so I confess.