cam confession #11

I am afraid of saying goodbye.

My suitcases are all packed and my room nearly cleaned, but I don't feel ready to move to New York. I am hoping that my excitement about this move will reappear somewhere between here and LaGuardia Airport. But for now, it is hidden under all the sadness I've been feeling as I think about leaving so many people I love. In the morning, as I board my plane my life will be changed forever. And I am afraid of what might get lost in the move.

return of the pumpkin agenda

I just got an email from a friend to let me know that the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back on the menu at Starbucks. I nearly gave up on my agenda after trying a pumpkin soup in Vietnam that almost made me sick. It was good, but just too rich. My two traveling friends discovered pumpkin flavored potato chips at the Thai/Cambodian border. I still wish I had tried them. Just to say I did. But now the Pumpkin Spice Latte has returned and so has my obsession.

Monday night highlights

• a date with one of my favorite people ever- hot t
• passing the church marquee in t's neighborhood- "the prodigal son was having a bad heir day"
• pink lemonade- very refreshing
• watching Napolean Dynamite- now I want tots
• beating t in scrabble- 296 to 218

I wish I could spend this one on one time with everyone I love. But for now, I'm going to appreciate the time I had with this friend.

things I'll miss from a to z

Apartment living
Boating and beering
Chick-fil-A
Dinners after Journey
Everything...
Friends and family
Great community
Holding hands and hugging
Inventing new words
Journey
Keeping in touch
Laughs of friends
Metrosexuals I know and love
Near not far
Old Monk Sundays
Parties- birthdays, holidays, pre and post
Quick and witty responses
Roadtrips
Shiner beer
Two Rows Wednesdays
Under the Stars picnics
Vulnerability
Weekly get-togethers
Xtremely funny people
Yelling at people I love
Z's perpetual state of rock

going away party

I just got home from my going away party. I've just spend the last 6 1/2 hours in a room with people I love and will miss. I spent my evening talking, hugging and simply watching my friends. People who gave their time tonight to be with me. Many memories were made (and lots of pictures taken). There was no crying involved. I was prepared. I wore waterproof mascara. I know I will cry at some point. It might be tomorrow night at Journey when I reflect upon the relationships I've built in the last two years. It might be Wednesday night when I go to my last Two Rows and hug everyone goodbye for the last time. It might be on the plane ride up to New York. I don't know when it will hit me that this is real and I'm leaving a lot of people I love, but I'm worried I won't be ready when the tears start falling.
Thanks to all of you who were there tonight. I felt loved and I'll miss each of you.

my hero

I went to see my grandmother last Wednesday. At the hospital.
My grandmother just might be my hero. I've always looked up to her. She's just an amazing woman. For as long as I can remember, she has been one of those people who is just always busy. She loves people so she joins as many groups and clubs as possible. She's been involved with countless social, service and church organizations. In addition to all that, she loves to travel. I'm pretty sure I inherited my traveling gene from her.
In April, my grandmother was diagnosed with Lymphoma. For the first time, she had no choice but to slow down. However, she wanted to still go on our family cruise. More than anything else, my grandmother loves the time she spends with family. And so, her doctor assured her that he would work out the chemotherapy treatments so that she would still be able to cruise with us the last week in July.
My grandmother began the chemo and did surprisingly well. She had good days and bad days, but not too terrible. Yes, there was the inevitable hair loss, but thank goodness for wigs and fantastic scarves. All seemed to be going well. Until the week before the cruise. Until the day she turned 75. On her birthday, my grandmother took a sudden turn for the worse. She was admitted to the hospital.
My grandmother did not go on the cruise with us. She remained in the hospital for 3 weeks. Slowly she began to improve. Until she was finally strong enough to return home. However, the time at home was short-lived. Last Tuesday I called to make arrangements to visit my grandparents the next day. Only a few hours after hanging up the phone with my grandmother, she had to be re-admitted to the hospital.
The next day I went to visit my grandparents. Though not at their house as I had planned. Instead, I went to the hospital where I saw my grandmother lying weakly in a hospital bed. For years, I've seen her the way I did when I was still little. Full of energy, strength and endurance. My grandmother is one of those lucky people who don't really seem to get old, just older.
When I walked into the room, my grandmother smiled at me and she never looked more beautiful to me. As I sat in the chair next to her, I realized that I wanted desperately to capture that time with her so that I could remember it- clearly and forever. She spoke with such insight. I watched as my grandfather took care of her. I thought of the Love Is... cartoons. And I was thinking of all the ways love existed in that room at that moment. He looks at her in a way that I believe he must have looked at her when he first fell in love with her.
My grandmother has had a lot of time for reflection as she has been in the hospital. She shared some of her thoughts with me. She realized just how blessed she is by our family. She and my grandfather have been married for 52 years. But according to her, their marriage has become even stronger and they have grown even closer as a result of her cancer. They have four children. All of them are still married, never divorced. Very rare these days. They have 9 grandchildren. And of course, all of us are wonderful, too. Then she continued to share some thoughts about faith. Someone recently asked her if she ever questioned God, asking "Why me?" My grandmother answered, "Never." She told me that she feels her cancer has been a blessing.
I have always known my grandmother to have a positive disposition, so I suppose her words at the hospital should not have been so surprising to me. She is someone who loves to serve others. She is fair and kind. Considerate and thoughtful. She has always been one of my biggest supporters in all of my endeavors. Since college she has encouraged me to pursue graduate school, knowing that I still have great things ahead of me. She was so excited when I announced I had been admitted to my dream grad school.
I love my grandmother. I hope I can live up to example she has set.

30 years and still going strong

Today my parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary. I'm proud of them.

lake 2005

One of my favorite places on earth is the lake. I don't know that there is anything particularly special about this lake, but I love it. I've been going there since I was born. I know it well. I've watched as it has changed over the years. It is a fancy lake. New mansions are built each year. Each bigger and fancier than the one next to it.
But as beautiful as all the mansions may be, I still love our own little lakehouse. Over the years, our house has changed, too. Growing a little less eclectic and a little more coordinated and decorated. I've worried the house has become too fancy.
The lake isn't about the house. It's about the people. I love the time I spend with people I love at the lake. This weekend I invited friends to join me at my favorite place. I'd like to think it might become a tradition. It was fun for me to share the lake experience with these people.
C.T. joined me early Friday evening, and we got to spend time just sitting on the porch talking-always a favorite activity. The rest of the group joined us later that night. But no time was wasted. The beer was iced down, and they quickly joined in to catch up with us. The rest of the weekend included beer, boating, and fun. For the second year in a row, Z helped me drink 1/2 a can of beer at 9:30am to make the drunk-ass chicken. (Drinking the beer enables me to clean out the insides of those chickens... so gross.) M once again amazed me with his fire-building skills. By 10am the chickens were smoking on the grill, and A was in the kitchen scrambling 27 eggs, beating her own scrambled egg record set the year before.
Then it was time for boating. Everyone was impressed with the new party boat. Though they were less impressed when I couldn't get it started. Luckily I went to the former owner who just happened to be the next door neighbor, and he started it right away. And so the boating began. First the tour of the fancy lake mansions. The tour included showing off my own personal favorite, not necessarily a mansion, but a large, 5 chimney house with beautiful landscaping. Then we went to the sandbar not far from my lakehouse for more beering. The rest of the day was spent on the boat or in the water. We drank beer, chatted, danced and got lots of sun. The evening was filled with beer chicken, the best macaroni and cheese ever, salad, fire, dancing, conversation, hammocks and more beer. The next morning we enjoyed waffles by C.T. Then surveyed the proof around the yard that we did, indeed, have a very good time.
Good memories were made at the lake 2005. But what happens at the lake, stays at the lake. In fact, I've already said too much...

the beginning of the end

I'm going to talk about the thing we don't talk about.

I'm leaving.

In a week and a half I will be moving to New York City. I'm very excited. But my enthusiasm is balanced by the overwhelming sadness I have about leaving so many people I love. I am acting and even feeling as if I am never going to see these people again. I will. But it won't be the same. Right now I have a feeling of belonging. For the first time in my life, I have what I have always wanted. A really good, close group of friends. The truth is I have a lot of people in my life right now I call friends. More than I have ever known.
Last Wednesday I went on a roadtrip to visit relatives and friends before my big move. I saw grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and a few of the remaining friends from my past. Then a group of my best friends joined me for a weekend at the lake. We had 10 total. I was amazed that I had 9 other people who I call friends, join me at the lake. And there were other friends that I was sad I could not invite. Because the amazing thing is, I have even more people in my life I can call friends.
I guess I'm all caught up on the use of the word friend because it has only been in the last two years that I have truly learned the meaning of the word. When I was younger, I don't think I really distinguished the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. If we hung out in the same group, then we must be friends. I can probably count on one hand the number of friends I still have from elementary school, middle school, high school and college. What happened to the other people I once called friends? I think maybe they never were friends because I never really knew them. I didn't make connections.
I love my friends. And they love me. Even when I am: Way hot. Or not. Yelly. Smelly. Loud. Quiet. Funny. Or not. Insightful. Off the wall. Rambling. Short. Thoughtful. Insensitive. Sober. Drunk. Happy. Sad. Here. Away.

I hadn't planned to write any of this. I actually was just going to write about how I started saying my good-byes, starting with those I visited on my roadtrip. This isn't the first time I've moved away from those I love. But it is going to be so much harder this time. Because I found what I was looking for: a family of friends.

cam confession #10

I like church marquees. But only because I like to make fun of them.

Whenever I am driving, I always take time to notice the catchy little sayings that have become a new trend among churches. Here are some that I've come across:

• Avoid burning. Use Son Screen.
• Bible: God's Lesson Plans
• Pray up in advance.
• TGIF: Thank God I'm Forgiven
• Our Church is Prayer Conditioned
  

I've seen lots. Yes, they are annoying and cheesy. But I like them because they make me laugh. I wonder if anyone really is drawn to a church because of these one-liners that generally miss the point of church. Now I have come across one church marquee that might have gotten me through the doors of the church if I didn't already go to Journey.

• Prayer- Better than worry and cheaper than beer

Well, amen to that. Unless, of course, we are talking about Two Rows dollar pint night. In which case the beer wins.
I don't know the history behind these church signs. I just know that they keep me amused while I'm driving around. Therefore, I like them. Because really, I like anything that makes me laugh.

a good day

Today has the promises of not only being a good day, but a great day. My reasons, thus far:
1. Cinnamon coffee. It is my first time to try it and it is so good. I'm on my third cup.
2. Inside Wants Out. I finally found this missing John Mayer CD.
3. Hat box. After another venture into the attic, I found the hat box that contained all my framed pictures. And they were not ruined by the heat.
4. Sunshine. Sunny days just make me happy. Especially when my plans include swimming and tanning.
5. Fancy shoes. Tonight I plan to wear my very cool, gold and brown shoes. With my new jeans. This just makes me happy.

some days you just can't win for losing

I don't really know what that expression means. In fact, it came up in conversation last night, and I don't think any of us knew the meaning. Ironically, even though I don't know what it means, I still kind of felt that way last night.
I went out with friends. Four guys. And me. I don't believe that has ever happened to me before. And even more, they were all good-looking. I can't help but wonder what people thought when they saw us. Hanging out by the pool at the new, sweet bacheolor pad was no big deal. But then we went out for dinner. Here I am. Walking along, surrounded by four good-looking guys. Do you think I was envied? Doubtful. I'm sure it was obvious to all that I had been deemed just a friend long ago. And I'm okay with that. But at the same time, there I was with four guys, all of them "just friends".
I had a great time with them. For the most part, they didn't treat me too much like just another guy. Which is always nice. And they weren't trying to hit on other girls while with me. Which was really nice. They also bought part of my dinner knowing that I'm on my way to being a poor student again. Sure, they have their moments, but overall these are great guys. And I'm going to miss them a lot.

an expectation of disappointment?

It seems my best time for thinking is while I'm driving. Which is amazing considering I'm usually trying to call someone, listen to the radio, or some other sort of multi-tasking that helps me avoid actually thinking.
Tonight the topic in my mind was disappointment. I don't know that any one thing necessarily sparked the thoughts. I began to wonder if there is ever a way we can numb ourselves to the pain of feeling disappointed, whether it be someone or something that caused the disappointment. I guess one could argue that alcohol would numb the pain. But after the hangover, there would still be disappointment. Except then I would also be disappointed because my plan to numb my feelings by drinking had failed me and caused me to feel even worse.
I suppose another option would be to just set really low standards and expectations. If you weren't hoping for much, then how could you be disappointed? But then if you do that, what is there to actually gain? Nothing. There is no risk involved in living life that way. And a life devoid of risks just seems boring.
As I was reflecting on this idea of disappointment in my life, I was mostly applying it to people I know or have known. It's true it applies to situations such as times of rejection or failure or just times of not getting what I want when I want it. But with people, it is more relational. Which makes it more complicated. There are amazing people in my life who do not disappoint. Is this always true? Probably not. But overall, they've been there for me and stayed true to their word and their actions. People who make promises and keep them. People you can count on to be true to be there when you need them. People like my parents.
Then there are the people who continually disappoint me to the point that I expect them to fall short of my expectations. This arrangement is actually better than it seems. Because I at least know what to expect and when I am disappointed, I quickly move on because I expected them to disappoint. This makes a nice opposite to the people who are trustworthy and loyal. It makes the categorizing easy.
Unfortunately, people can so easily be pidgeon-holed into groups. There are people who I start to categorize as ones who will always disappoint. And then they do something that restores my faith in them. Then I begin to place them back in the group of people I know I can count on. But then when they disappoint me again, it hurts even more. And I'm left feeling confused, vulnerable, and unable to trust. But no matter what I do, I always end up holding on to a little bit of hope. Hoping that eventually these people will live up my expectations. But do I give up hope and change the expectation?

what you tell yourself- revised

In an effort to start doing the things I planned to do the entire summer but never could be bothered, I went to a Starbucks, ordered a Venti non-fat peppermint mocha, settled into a plush chair and continued reading a book I started back in April.
I am currently reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. I first got to know Donald Miller when I read his first book, Blue Like Jazz. And I decided that if I knew Donald Miller, he would probably be my friend. He makes referrences to books, movies and music I like. And he talks about drinking beer at his favorite pubs. I like him.
As I sat sipping on my fancy coffee and reading, I found myself particularly struck by the following quote:

Humans, as a species, are constantly, and in every way, comparing themselves to one another, which, given the brief nature of their existence, seems an oddity and, for that matter, a waste. Nevertheless, this is the driving influence behind every human’s social development, their emotional health and sense of joy, and sadly, their greatest tragedies. It is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pining for that missing thing in all sorts of methods, none of which are working. The greater tragedy is that very few people understand the disease. This seems strange as well because it is obvious. To be sure, it is killing them, and yet sustaining their social and economic systems. They are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem.

Miller goes on to talk about how we are constantly looking for personal value and worth in other people's perceptions and opinions of us. When I first read this, I found myself thinking, "maybe I looked for approval from others to feel good about myself was younger. But now I'm older and more self-assurred." Not long after a couple approached me and asked me about my shoes. They told me that they were awesome. And I found that in their approval of my shoes, I was also deemed as very cool. Then I thought back to when I bought the shoes. I wanted them because they are comfortable and will be great for walking around New York. But also because they were unique, would get attention and were purchased in New York.
This is the shoe, only mine are brown and gold. They really are great shoes. While trying to edit so people could see the picture, I messed up the text. It doesn't really matter. I posted lyrics to yet another song on here. And I quoted another blog to support this idea that wasn't very well-formulated in the first place. And everyone who reads my blog already saw what was previously written and now you can see the picture of my very cool shoes.

the missing

As I prepare for my move to New York, I find myself searching for things that apparently got lost in the first move. A few weeks ago, I realized that my pictures that were framed and on my bookshelf are nowhere to be found. I've made several trips up into the attic where most of my stuff is stored. I've found my books, kitchen stuff, and things that definitely should have just been thrown out, but no picture frames. I'm a little relieved since the heat would have surely ruined all the pictures. But I'm also concerned because now I don't know where to look. I've checked the bathtub in our guest bathroom. It has been the storage space for my stuff that didn't make it into the attic. No picture frames. I've searched my room and my closet. In fact, I've searched all the rooms and closets throughout my parents' house. Where could they be? And the problem is that I wasn't the one who actually packed them. So I have no idea what kind of box they were placed in, making it even more challenging to find the pictures.
The picture frames aren't the only thing missing. I recently opened a CD case and discovered the CD is missing. Again, I keep searching for it and I can't find it. I've looked through my CD books but it isn't in there. I checked the portable CD player that has been abandoned due to the very tiny, orange MP3 player. I searched in my sister's room. I did find another CD I had lost, but not this one. I'm convinced the CD I am currently looking for is acutally in her car. But we are never home at the same time for me to have the opportunity to look. And of course, she keeps ignoring my request for her to search.
Maybe I should put together a search party. If I get all my friends together, maybe we can find these missing things.

when it isn't really over

Today I went up to visit the teachers at the school where I taught this past year. For those who were off this summer, vacation is over. They are officially working again. They've got a week of room preparation, staff trainings, and lots of meetings. On Monday they'll be starting yet another year of students, teaching and stress. And I am so happy I won't be there for any of it.
This makes me think back to the start of my summer vacation and all the ambitions and plans I had. Sure, I went on all my trips. I experienced more adventures than I anticipated. But what else did I accomplish?
Did I read all the books I had set aside? No.
Did I work-out twice a day or even once every day? No.
Did I lay out everyday working on my tan? No.
Did I borrow DVDs from my movie-loving friend? No.
Did I find a job up in New York yet? No.
Did I drink a lot of beer and wine? Yes. Well, at least I know my priorities.
But today as I visited the teachers at my school, I realized I'm not going back to work. My summer vacation hasn't ended yet. I still have the chance to do all the things I had planned to do. I just have to do them in the next three weeks. I probably won't. But still, it is nice to realize that I could. Because I still have three more weeks of vacation.

A074

Yesterday I had to go to the driver's license office to replace the one I lost in the Bangkok taxi. I only thought calling long distance to cancel my lost credit card was a pain in the ass. It was nothing compared to yesterday's experience.
I arrived in the afternoon, hoping to have missed the lunch crowd. I stood in the first line waiting to explain my reason for being there. After telling the very tan woman with very long, bright pink fingernails that I needed to replace my lost license, she handed me a form to fill out and instructed me to return for a number after it was completed. So I quickly filled out the form, then returned for my number. I was given A074. As I sat down, the automated voice called for A007. This was going to be a very long wait.
I had anticipated a wait time. So I brought along Som Lek, my very small, orange MP3 player. I found myself turning the volume higher and higher in an effort to drown out the automated voice calling numbers. And so I sat, listening to my music, waiting for my number to be called.
Now the first hour of my wait wasn't too painful. But as the clocked clicked into the second hour I found myself growing restless. My number still seemed far away. I grew more anxious as the automated voice switched from calling A numbers to B and E numbers. WHY? I couldn't figure out this system of having 3 sets of numbers. Or the system of having 14 counters, but only using half of them. By this point, I was growing as impatient as the squirmy kid next to me.
Slowly the voice returned to the As. Nearly there for two hours, I began putting away Som Lek as I heard A072 called. A073, then finally it was my turn. I proceeded to counter 8, passing empty counters 1, 2 and 3.
I explained that I had lost my license and needed a new one. Of course, this request couldn't have been simply processed. No, it had to be complicated.
DL lady: Did you receive a letter from the State?
me: Yes.
DL lady: Did you return the packet to the Medical Advisory Board?
me: I didn't get a packet? I have been to the doctor and everything is coming back normal.
DL lady: I'm going to have to call the MAB to find out if I can issue you a license.
And so I wait at the counter for another 10 minutes or so while DL lady disappears to make her phone call.
DL lady: I spoke with the MAB, and they say they sent the packet right after the letter you receieved.
me: Well, I never got it.
DL lady: Okay, well they are going to send it again. If you don't return it they will suspend your license.
In the meantime I'm wondering, "Does this mean you can issue it to me? I really only need it for one month because then I'm moving to NYC and I don't plan on driving."
DL lady: They told me I could issue you your license. Please sign on the line. Now step back for your picture.
What? I have to take a picture? I just took one when I renewed my license in April. In fact, it was a really cute picture. I wasn't prepared for a picture. If I had known I would need to take a picture, I might have actually done more with my hair. Maybe even put on some lipstick.
When I was finally finished with the whole process, I exited past more empty counters, through the crowds of people who had probably noticed that I had been back at the counter much too long, adding to their growing frustration. Then I got in my car and legally drove home.

diva cam

This picture is for my friend who is Blonde but not a Bimbo. Even though this picture was taken on cruise #1 when I was not in a wheelchair, feel free to believe it was taken cruise #2 when I was.

I broke my 'try to remain anonymous at all costs' rule just for you, Kerri.

alone in my car

One of the reasons I'm excited about moving to NYC is that I won't have to drive. I don't like driving alone in my car. Even with music playing, I find myself thinking too much when I'm driving. And I don't really like being stuck with so many thoughts running through my head.
I have recently found overwhelmed with emotional stress. So having time to simply think about things really affects my mood in a very negative way. By the time I get to wherever I'm going, I feel depressed or seriously pissed off. Although lately it seems to be a combination of the two. I've been feeling very hurt by a few people in my life, and the time in my car gives me time to reflect upon this. As a result, I'd prefer not to drive anywhere. I guess I feel like if I don't drive in my car, I can avoid thinking and feeling.

one-way

In one month I leave for New York City. I just bought my plane ticket. One-way.