the beginning of the end

I'm going to talk about the thing we don't talk about.

I'm leaving.

In a week and a half I will be moving to New York City. I'm very excited. But my enthusiasm is balanced by the overwhelming sadness I have about leaving so many people I love. I am acting and even feeling as if I am never going to see these people again. I will. But it won't be the same. Right now I have a feeling of belonging. For the first time in my life, I have what I have always wanted. A really good, close group of friends. The truth is I have a lot of people in my life right now I call friends. More than I have ever known.
Last Wednesday I went on a roadtrip to visit relatives and friends before my big move. I saw grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and a few of the remaining friends from my past. Then a group of my best friends joined me for a weekend at the lake. We had 10 total. I was amazed that I had 9 other people who I call friends, join me at the lake. And there were other friends that I was sad I could not invite. Because the amazing thing is, I have even more people in my life I can call friends.
I guess I'm all caught up on the use of the word friend because it has only been in the last two years that I have truly learned the meaning of the word. When I was younger, I don't think I really distinguished the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. If we hung out in the same group, then we must be friends. I can probably count on one hand the number of friends I still have from elementary school, middle school, high school and college. What happened to the other people I once called friends? I think maybe they never were friends because I never really knew them. I didn't make connections.
I love my friends. And they love me. Even when I am: Way hot. Or not. Yelly. Smelly. Loud. Quiet. Funny. Or not. Insightful. Off the wall. Rambling. Short. Thoughtful. Insensitive. Sober. Drunk. Happy. Sad. Here. Away.

I hadn't planned to write any of this. I actually was just going to write about how I started saying my good-byes, starting with those I visited on my roadtrip. This isn't the first time I've moved away from those I love. But it is going to be so much harder this time. Because I found what I was looking for: a family of friends.