new music that's not really new

A friend invited me to go with him to see one of his favorite bands, Radiant*, playing this weekend. I agreed to go even though I didn't know the band. I've been listening to the Radiant* CD he made for me this week. I was surprised to realize that I had heard one of their songs before. So, I thank the one who first introduced me to Radiant*. When I listened to their song, "Way You Make Me Feel" this summer, I thought it was a love song. Now I realize that it is actually about the way we feel after a break-up.
Friday night I went and listened to several bands, including Radiant*. It was a great experience, even if I was very tired after teaching all week. And so, I thank the one who reintroduced me to Radiant* and continues to introduce me to new music. And who held me up when I started to fall asleep.

Saved Again

I watched Saved! last night. I haven't seen it since this summer. I really liked it which is good since I now own it. As I watched the movie, I was reminded of my own experience with the church and the spiritual abuse that often happens. Being taught that you are never good enough. That you will be punished for your sins. Intolerance and judgement disguised as love.
As I watched, it was the genuine love that struck me. The characters who were real and honest- with each other and with themselves. I like when Patrick simply says "I like you Mary." He is straightforward, yet vulnerable. It is hard to expose yourself this way. Emotionally naked. There are a few characters who allow themselves to take this risk. You can never be certain that others will be careful with you. I think this is why it is so hard to be vulnerable. But sometimes you just have to decide to trust others and hope you don't get too hurt. But if you have enough of these authentic relationships, you know you have friends to help you heal the scars we sometimes get when we take risks.

adventures in teaching

I teach several students who, in general, make my life hell. They are constantly doing the opposite of what I am asking them to do. Yesterday was no exception.
There is one boy in particular who has been the cause of many of my headaches. He kind of looks like that kid, Ralphie, from A Christmas Story. He's a cute kid, but he drives me crazy. He's always dancing around, yelling out, arguing back and tattling that someone is calling him names or laughing at him. By the time he left my class, he had received two checks from me for arguing in his group and talking out during instructions.
I have lunch duty this week which means I wander around making sure they don't just eat chips, talk quietly, stay in their seats. Think back to your own school cafeteria experience. Remember when one kid would decide to blow up a bag, then pop it? It makes a loud noise and creates chaos in the cafeteria. Well, a student informed me that Ralphie was trying to pop his chip bag. So I walked up behind him and specifically said "Do NOT blow up your bag of chips and pop it." Then another student came up to ask me a question. All of a sudden there was a loud POP! Yes, sure enough Ralphie had blatantly disobeyed me, with me standing right behind him. I don't like to think of my students as dumb, but come on. I was RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
And so he got another check and no recess. As I was writing it, the 4th grade teacher came over and apologized for finding the situation funny. As we were talking I looked over at Ralphie just in time to see him blowing up his silverware bag, then pop it. Wow! What nerve! It was so funny. Yet so ridiculous. Of course, when he thought he was going to get a detention he started crying. I imagine what he would say if he knew the name I was calling him at that moment.
This is the reason teachers need summer vacations. There is a limit we can spend dealing with this crap. Then we need a break.

This price is right!

Gas for road-trip to Shreveport: $7
Hotel for one night: $11
Tickets to The Price is Right Live!: $28
Cost of obnoxious birthday themed t-shirt: $5
Food at Whataburger, Chili's, and IHOP: ~$25
Drinks at Casino: $0
Drinks from liquor store: $9
Loss at Casino: Um, nevermind

Total price to spend weekend celebrating a good friend's birthday with 4 of my closest friends: priceless

The costs given are after dividing 5 ways. These prices do not reflect service fees, gratuities, or labor. The price of the t-shirts would be a lot more if I included the time and many attempts to get those damn letters to iron on the shirts- and stay.
Obnoxious birthday themed t-shirts:
birthday girl t: It's my birthday!
cam's: It's not my birthday
friend m: Birthday suit
friend z: Feliz Cumpleanos
friend a: Who are these people?

one of those moments

I recently had my first "teacher moment". It was the type of heart-warming moment you might read in the Chicken Soup for the Teacher's Soul, Volume 108. In theory, I treat all my students equally. However, I know this isn't true. While at first it caused me a lot of anxiety, I've realized that I have to interact with my students according to their individual needs. While this obviously true regarding academics, it is also true in their emotional development. Some of my kids come from homes where there is lots of love and support to be found. These are the kids who openly and willingly show love to me and others. But some of my students bring issues into the classroom that I can't even imagine, and I've never had to face.
I have one child that I singled out. It has been a gradual process learning about this student. (For confidentiality reasons, this student will be called X). During the first weeks of school, X was often in trouble. At first the discipline issues were of serious concern: fighting, stealing, lying. Then I began talking to X. I learned his mom died a few years ago. His Dad and brothers and sister live in another state. He lives with his aunt and uncle who are very strict and don't treat him the same as their own children. X is a bright kid and makes good grades. However, he is never told he is a good kid. The acadmic success is overlooked as the discipline issues are made the priority. Since the beginning of school, X's behavior has dramatically improved. He wants to be good. But he is 8 years old. He is going to make mistakes. He is going to have consequences. He shouldn't be expected to never get in trouble- at home or at school.
Around the time I started my hug agenda, I started hugging X. Many of my students would hug me as they left the class, but never X. But I realized that if anyone need to be hugged, it was X. And so I started hugging him. Everyday. Lately I think X has seemed happier. He gets along better with the other students and is making friends. He is less reserved, and I'm learning he has a great personality.
Last week, I sent a note home to his guardians along with his weekly behavior sheet. He had received only one check and it was for late work or something trivial. In the note, I wrote that I was proud of the efforts X is making to improve his behavior. I also commented that he deserved making the honor roll.
When he brought back the signed weekly behavior sheet, X threw his arms around me giving me a big hug. And it was one of those moments. I felt I just might have made a difference.

the boy who loves me

There is a boy who loves me. His name is Matthew. He says I have cute eyes. He has written the lyrics from a song and given them to me as a present. He smiles whenever he sees me and tries to catch my attention. He is so cute.
He is also 7 years old. That's right, a 2nd grader has a crush on me. Don't worry, you won't see me on the news. Or Jerry Springer. But I do wish I could adopt him. He is such a cutie.

a forgotten love

One thing I really miss about Thailand is the time I had to read. Not only was I less busy, but there were also fewer distractions. I read all the books I took with me. Then I started reading all my roommate's books. I read all sorts of books. On vacations my roommate and I would each take two books. I read much faster than her so I would finish the two I brought, then started reading hers. Reading faster wasn't always a good thing. I was secretly jealous because I felt like she took the time to enjoy the books more than I did. But I don't know how to read slower. I'd often finish all the books we'd packed, and I'd borrow a book from the guesthouse where we were staying. Or I'd go buy a used book from a small shop.
I first realized I missed reading around Thanksgiving. As a teacher, I'm constantly encouraging my students to read. But I wasn't taking the time to follow my own advice. So I went out and bought a new book. It promised to be laugh-out-loud funny with characters that remind me of people I know. Let me just say, that was not true at all. I was very disappointed. Surprisingly, I did finish the book.
While I still haven't finished the book I bought this past summer in Greece, I have recently finished two other books. One was "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. I first read two of his books in Thailand when I was borrowing books from my roommate's shelves. While I might not laugh out loud as much as she did, I did laugh. The one I just finished did make me laugh out loud. A lot. So when I was on the plane to Las Vegas, I had to try not to laugh too loudly and wake those who were sleeping. I recommend it.
Over this past three day weekend, I started and finished my 2nd book. Within 24 hours. It was an easy read. And I enjoyed the book. So I've begun reading my 3rd book this month. I had actually forgotten I bought this book while in Greece. A friend of mine recently blogged about it, and I realized that I had it sitting on my shelf somewhere. And so now I'm reading "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius."
If it really is heartbreaking, then I know I'll be ready to read the new David Sedaris book I got for Christmas next. Because I always love to laugh out loud.

just being okay

I'm sitting here with nothing to say. Yet I feel like writing something. Today was Martin Luther King Day which meant I didn't have to work. I had yet another doctor's appointment. But I think it was my last for a while. The chest pains have finally stopped. I wish that meant I was no longer stressed, but that is doubtful. It does mean I'm starting to cope better. And I'm finally able to sit without worrying, listen to the Eisley CD I borrowed from a friend, and smile. Because I know that I can handle whatever might happen tomorrow. And because I only have to work 4 days. That's always something that makes me smile.

25 going on 13

When my friends found out I went roller skating last night, they laughed at me. They were relieved to know I was there with small children and not a date. Apparently only 13 year olds go skating for dates. I was not aware of this rule. I do not plan to keep this rule. If a guy wants to take me skating, I'm not going to say no.
When I walked out of my apartment, I wondered if I had actually become 13 again. I discovered that my apartment had been toilet-papered during the night. Yes, there was toilet paper wrapped around the door handle, under the welcome mat, stuck in the mail clip, wound round my car's side mirrors and the empty roll under the windshield wipers. At least the last two allowed me to conclude that it was most likely my sister and her best friend. I had spoken with them on the phone earlier, and I'm pretty sure they were both drunk. On a Thursday night. I was invited to join them, but since I had to teach the next morning I declined. Actually, it was because I had been out Wednesday night. And I wanted to watch ER.
I left the toilet paper around my door until I got home from work. As I was walking back from the garbage can in the parking lot, I realized they had done more. My balcony still has toilet paper wrapped around it. I might just leave it. I might need it when I run out.

skating cam

Tonight I did something school-related, and for the first time I had fun without any stress. My class won a skating party. And so, being the great teacher I am, I planned to go for an hour. Two hours later I was still rollering around the rink. And it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
I went round and round the rink quickly remembering how to skate. I never did quite figure out how to stop. So I just kept going until I slowed down enough to stop. I am proud to say I didn’t fall, not even once.
Some of my students would skate with me, holding my hand. Others would skate by me singing along with the songs. I was amazed at how many of the kindergarteners all the way to fifth graders knew all the words to some of the hip-hop songs. I'm pretty sure I impressed them as I sang the words to Maroon 5 and Avril Lavigne. My favorite part of the night was when I skated and YMCAed.
As I skated faster and faster, letting go of all my stress and fears, I became aware of a new feeling. A feeling I haven’t experienced in a while. Happiness. Pure, real happiness.

closure

Whenever I hear this buzz word, I imagine some therapist telling me I need to find closure before I can move on in my life. But it is something I've discovered I do need in order to let go. I always thought closure meant I needed to do something so that I could walk away. But recently I learned this isn't necessarily the case.
Letting go is difficult for me. If a person has played a significant role in my life, I can't easily walk away from the relationship. Even if it no longer exists. In college, I had several roommates. But there was one I lived with my entire time there. We shared the small dorm room together, an apartment bedroom, and my last year we were across the hall and shared a bathroom. We learned to work through differences and accept each other's faults. We disagreed at times, but overall we got along well. My memories of that experience are positive. We had a lot of fun together. We went through life decisions and changes and heartaches together.
Then at some point everything changed. Our friendship seemed tense. The close bond we had dissolved. And when I graduated, there was no good-bye. Since that time, I've wondered what happened to the friendship. I've tried contacting her over the years. I've asked if there was something specific that caused the breakdown of our friendship. But I've never gotten an answer.
This past fall I learned that my former roommate lives 5 minutes from where I work. It is weird knowing she is so close, but having no contact with her. A mutual friend keeps me informed of the things taking place in my roommate's life. I wish I knew her married name. Or that I could congratulate her on the birth of her twins. Or ask how her studies in grad school are going.
This past Saturday I went to a bar with two of my best friends. We were going for the birthday of a girl I knew from college. I knew there was a chance my roommate would be there since she is good friends with the birthday girl. And so I saw her for the first time in 4 1/2 years. It was so awkward. It felt like I was talking to a stranger. The tension still seemed to be there. I asked her questions with genuine interest, but the responses seemed reluctantly given.
But now I have closure. I didn't have to have say good-bye. I didn't need to discuss the past. I didn't ask why our friendship ended. I just needed to see her. I know that she was an important part of my life then. But not now. That night I left with the people who are important to me for this part of my life.

she will be loved

New Year's Day in Vegas was spent sightseeing. There were many casinos and so little time. After returning once again to our hotel for a short nap and another outfit change, we were off for a show in Vegas. Though there were no showgirls or nudity, it was a very sexy show. We saw Maroon 5 in concert at the Aladdin Casino. I was once told that every song on their accoustic CD was sexy except for Highway to Hell. Let me just say, every song in concert is sexy- except Highway to Hell. Maybe it was the energy of a young crowd. Or the fact that it has been a long time since I've been to a concert. Either way, it was fantastic.
Leaving Las Vegas was the last thing on my mind on Sunday. Even with Sheryl Crow ready to play, I wasn't ready to leave. So when the airline asked for volunteers to give up their seats in exchange for an airline voucher and a hotel room, I was the first one at the counter. Being the independent woman I am, I said good-bye to my friend and looked forward to a night out on my own. I was ready to gamble again- at the tables and in life. And in the end, I remembered that I will be loved.

vegas, baby!

I have a friend who begins planning a trip soon after the suggestion has been made. For the most part, this has been a good thing. Although I recently had a conversation with her about taking a trip summer 2006. I freaked out. I cannot commit that far in advance. One year is my limit. Right after New Year's 2004, we discussed the idea of going to Las Vegas for this New Year's. And since my friend is a planner, we had tickets booked by March and a hotel booked in May.
Various friends talked of joining us throughout the year, but in the end it was just two single girls headed out to Vegas looking for trouble. Carrying a suitcase full of clothes not at all appropriate for winter weather, we arrived in Las Vegas late on the 30th.
Our first day out we went to the best place to begin a weekend of partying- Margaritaville. We had cheeseburgers in paradise and of course, margaritas. Afterwards we walked over to Bellagio where the gambling fun began. It was a great start. I won. We crossed Las Vegas Blvd. and went into Bally's. After walking around that casino, we went over into Paris. The only way it could have been better was if we were in the actual Paris. I loved this casino. I sat down at yet another Blackjack table. I didn't have as much luck. It was now late in the afternoon so we decided to head back to our hotel for a nap-and an outfit change.
We left our hotel at 9 looking refreshed and very hot. We were ready to party into the New Year. So we went back to Paris where we ate dinner in a little French cafe. Then I was back at the Blackjack table. My luck began to change. When I left the table to go outside for the firework show, I was up. My luck outside at the stroke of midnight, not as good as I had hoped. But it was still a great way to start the year.
Back at the Paris tables by 1 I played and continued to win until we decided to catch the monorail back to our hotel just before 3. It was one of the best New Year's I've had. And I once spent New Year's in Bali.