runaway cam

I left work. I had to. I don't want to go back.
This was the text message I sent to some friends today around 11:15am. One friend thought I had actually walked out of my classroom and was thinking of not returning. While this plan had crossed my mind, I did wait until I had a break and then I took off. After a morning full of discipline problems I needed a drink. Since we are not allowed to enjoy alcohol during school hours, I decided to go for a diet vanilla coke from Sonic. I got in my car, opened the sunroof, enjoyed the warm 82 degrees outside and began to drive.
Even if it had been cold and rainy outside, I would not have wanted to go back to school. But it was perfect weather. And I thought about how nice it would be to relax by a pool and work on my tan. I desperately wanted to run away. Only one friend encouraged me not to go back to school. Luckily a sensible friend called me and talked me through my frustration. Then, I paid for my drink and drove very slowly back.
There is a very good chance I will want to run away again tomorrow. And the next day, too. I need to remind myself that I just have to survive 2 more months. I hope I make it.

When Harry Met Sally

The tagline for When Harry Met Sally asks, "Can two friends sleep together [or 'cudle' together] and still love each other in the morning?" I have a friend who uses this movie to support her argument that men and women can't be 'just friends'. I have a hard time accepting this argument. Maybe because I'm idealistic. Or maybe because I'm stubborn. I don't like the idea that I might be wrong. In the past year, I've developed a lot of close friendships with guys. And for this reason, I have trouble accepting the 'Harry Met Sally' theory.
I can understand the reasoning behind this supposition. For me, being friends with a girl is easier than being friends with a guy simply because I won't have to worry about having an attraction to my girl friends. Whether you are relieved or disappointed, that's just the way it is.
The attraction, sexual chemistry, or whatever you want to call it, can make a guy/girl friendship more complicated. But I like having friends of the opposite sex. Guys provide new perspectives, interactions, etc. As I've gotten older, I feel I've learned better how to develop relationships with guys. Sure, I have moments when I ask myself "Is this more than just friendship?" And I'll admit that there are sometimes when I would like for it to be. And even if it at some point, we dance around the idea of a dating relationship, it doesn't necessarily end the friendship. It might change, but I think most friendships go through changes.
I guess it is a fine line. But it is worth the confusion, because in the end I have some amazing guys in my life. In response to the tagline, I say yes. It just makes things a little more interesting.

"Would I be out of line...

if I said I miss you?" Tonight I found myself missing people in my life. I miss those who have chosen to leave. The ones who live far from me and are slowly drifting out of my life. But more surprisingly, I found myself missing people who are still here. The friends and family who I will leave. I know I'll have these moments over the next few months. Times when the reality of leaving causes me more sadness than excitement.
I hope they will know that the choice to leave is very difficult. It is hard to choose to move away when there are so many reasons to stay and only one reason to go.

here I sit

I keep sending emails. Because when you sit at a desk waiting for the phone to ring, there isn't too much else to do. Sure, I could grade all the papers that I carry around. Or continue reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (I forgot that I was reading it, and now I am not feeling too motivated to start again). But instead I keep writing emails to people who are unavailable to write me back.
Here are some things I've learned in the past three days:
-Work Email is fun. Especially when you know that it is annoying for others.
-It is possible to tell people you are very busy and important, all the while being very bored.
-Staring at a computer screen for 9 hours makes your eyes hurt.
-Aztecs are not the same as Mayans. Mixing the two up (even intentionally) will result in yelling.
-Pumas and Jaguars are not the same. I'd like to adopt the Thai expression for this one: same same but different.
-When my friends do email me, they are very funny. Even the quiet ones.
-I don't know very much about the news. I scored 5/10 on the test I took. Maybe I should spend more time reading the news and less time taking tests.
-It is still unclear whether Demi Moore is in fact pregnant with Ashton Kutcher's baby.
-The hotel where I will be staying on my Mexican trip is AWESOME.
-The more you type the word 'awkward' the funnier it looks. The more you type the word 'cudle' the less it seems like a made up word. Cudle ( pronunciation:cood-lay)- to snuggle or be affectionate with others.
-It is not a good idea to say "I am a year younger, so I can go longer" in mixed company. Or perhaps at all. Because inevitably someone will make it inappropriate (though funny).
-Green velvet suits are hot, or perhaps one might say, dale-licious. HA! Claaaassiiiiic.

it's not my birthday

Today is the birthday of my little sister. I can only call her 'little' because she is 3 years younger than me. She is taller than me and looks older than me. I'm told I'll be happy to be the younger looking one when we are in our forties. I hope so.
Sis and I are very different. She is blonde, I am not blonde. She buys too many shoes, I buy too many CDs. She is content to stay, I am happy to go. She wants marriage, I want a masters degree. She is conservative, I am liberal.
The list of differences goes on. Though the differences have increased over the years, I feel we are closer than ever. Our similarities, though few, draw us together and keep us connected. We may argue and disagree at times, but I am thankful for the friendship we have now.
I just hope it survives the summer when I have to move back home...
Happy Birthday, Sis!

Why I am happy today

1. It is Spring Break. Though I am working as pretty receptionist at a fancy law office, at least I am in a children-free environment.
2. I actually have time to enjoy my coffee. So good...
3. I figured out how to connect my MP3 player to my car. I am finally able to listen to good music in my car.
4. When I woke up this morning, it wasn't before the sun.
5. It is sunny outside, but cold. This makes it easier to be inside working during Spring Break.
6. I love my friends. I got to see them last night, and I will see them again tonight at the best ever 2nd annual St. Patrick's Day party.
7. GenSlay, who keeps promising to email, finally did.
8. I have spent my morning planning my trip back to Thailand. This makes me very happy.
9. I am wearing green which makes my eyes look green. I just like that they change hues of blues and greens depending on the color I wear.
10. I have reconnected with the original funniest person I know. And he still makes me laugh.

These were listed in no particular order. I am sure I could list more, but I am thinking of going to get more coffee instead.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

looking for money

I just looked at 156 scholarships. I don't qualify for even one. This is depressing. How will I ever pay for my trips? I mean, grad school...
I'm beginning to think sleep is overrated. There is a coffee shop not too far from my apartment. They are open 24 hours so I could work there at night, then go to my regular job during the day. This plan could work. Maybe?
Or I still have 5 months before I leave. I could just look for a rich man. That's a good plan, too.

in a word

If I had to choose one word that best describes me, it would be dreamer. I think this is what keeps me from settling. I am always dreaming of the next adventure. Looking for a new risk to take. I was recently listening to a song that had the line "this is the sound of settling." It made me wonder, will I ever hear that sound? Or as a dreamer, will I always be restless? Never content to simply settle. Not necessarily settle for less, but settle down and be content with what is instead of always dreaming of what could be.

cam and the city

I had begun to think I had grown afraid of taking risks. Then I realized that there are just some risks I didn't necessarily want to take. But there was one I couldn't resist. And so, I took a big risk and waited to see what would happen.
I've always wanted to go to grad school. I just couldn't figure out what it was I wanted to study when I finally did go back to school. I'm a teacher now. And I like the field of education. But I didn't want to let go of my sociology background. As I researched programs, I found one school that had the exact program I was looking for- sociology and education. Unfortunately, this school is out of state and highly competitive. So I continued searching for something a little closer to home and reality. No such luck. Then in early November, during a week when I cried on the way to work nearly every day, I received a brochure from my dream school. I had no idea how they had gotten my work address or even my name. Even though I had visited the website many times, I had never requested additional information. I tucked the brochure into my desk drawer and accepted it as a sign and a challenge. I would apply to the highly, prestious school. I would risk rejection as I set a goal that seemed nearly impossible.
I confided my plan to only one friend. It is possible I unintentionally mentioned it after a few beers. Luckily she kept my secret and kept me accountable. She gave me deadlines so that I couldn't procrastinate. She helped me edit, revise, and polish a kick-ass personal statement. She kept me from using inappropriate phrases such as 'kick-ass' in my application. She encouraged me through each phase of the application process, most especially the waiting for a response.
And then on Monday, I opened my breath and hoped the large envelope in my mailbox was not junk mail. I couldn't believe it when I read the following:
Dear cam,
I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the school you so desperately want to attend. We read your kick-ass essay and realized, you were right, we should accept you to our great school. You now have the opportunity to take the biggest risk of your life and move to one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world. By yourself. You will have to endure cold winters and hot summers. You will have to leave your nice, big apartment and move into an apartment the size of your current closet. You will have no money in which to travel for the next two years. But you will have many new exciting adventures that will forever change your life.
Sincerely,
your dream school
I've been taking the brochure out of my drawer these last few days. It reminds me that risks are both scary and exciting. And worth taking. Especially when it works out the way you wish and hope.

breaking leads to change

When I moved to Thailand, my grandmother sent me with a first aid supply of band-aids, bandages, gauze, and three thermometers. I've always been a bit of a hypercondriac. Perhaps it is hereditary. Considering I had two thermometers too many, I loaned one to my roommate. But then I dropped one of the thermometers on the tile floor in my one room apartment, and mercury beads went rolling everywhere. Into the little crack between the tiles. Trying to pick up hazardous mercury, that rolls away when you try to clean it up is very difficult. Trust me. I was thankful that I had my spare thermometer. Because I tend to need to take my temperature if I think I might be sick.
Yesterday morning I woke up with a sore throat. I assumed it was the result of all the yelling I've been doing lately. But then I began to feel worse throughout the day. When I woke up this morning, my throat was still very sore. And I felt awful. But I have a rule: I am not sick unless I am running fever. Well, I recently broke my thermometer when I accidentally stepped on it. I'm not sure why it was on the floor. Luckily, I was wearing shoes. And it was the kind with alcohol, not mercury. But I went from having three thermometers to no thermometers. Since I couldn't prove I was sick, I decided to go to work.
I still felt awful all day. I did go to the school nurse to check my temperature. No fever. I'm thinking of getting rid of my rule. Because I felt sick all day. On my way home, I stopped to buy a new thermometer. As I looked around the selection, all I could find were digital ones. I'm probably the only person to inquire about the old-fashioned kind. I don't need a fancy digital thermometer. As the salesperson told me that they don't sell the mercury kind anymore, she kind of gave me a funny look. I asked if they had the kind with the red alcohol. No. Everything is digital now. I know I'll get used to my new, fancy thermometer. I'll grow to love the fact that I get a reading in 30 seconds instead of 3 minutes. But sometimes change is just hard.

cam confession #4

I have become too yelly. My friends and I like to make up words that we feel express our thoughts better than actual words. Yelly is one of our commonly used words. As you might suspect, it means I yell. A lot.
Most of the time when I am being yelly, it simply implies that my voice is loud and my tone goes higher. Almost ultrasonic. Only dogs can hear me... I rarely yell when I am actually angry. More often it is when I am not getting what I want. Or I feel someone isn't communicating with me the way I would prefer. Though I am not sure why I think yelling would make the communication any better. I just tend to get excited about whatever it is that I am talking about and as a result I get louder. And higher. My friends tell me it is yelly.
I recently called a friend to remind him he needed to pay his deposit for a trip we are planning. He was leaving town that night and would not be back before the deposit deadline. As a result, there was yelliness. I loudly asked how he planned to pay the deposit if he wasn't going to be in town. I wasn't mad. For some reason, I just became yelly. As if saying it louder and squeakier, would somehow get my point across more effectively.
When I am actually angry, I tend to get quiet. Very quiet. It allows me time to think through my anger and choose my words carefully to express my feelings. I've written some emails when I have been angry and I say things that I would most likely regret. Thank goodness I never send those emails. Instead, I take time to be quiet. Then I call, write, confront, forgive or forget.
If I am being yelly, don't worry. Sometimes it is my silence that says more about me.