my thoughts, but not my words

I often feel like I've got song lyrics constantly running through my mind. It is weird when they sometimes start to overlap, almost forming a story. Lyrics from different songs, from many artists, of various genres. Sometimes a line from a song will start playing over and over again, and I'm not sure who sings it or what song or album it is from. I'll begin obsessing over the task of finding the song.
One morning a while back I woke up thinking these lyrics:
"If you walk away, I’ll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don’t want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, I’ll walk this way...
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away."*
It only took me two tries to find the CD that had the song with these lyrics. That search was easy enough.
But more recently I've been searching for a song. After reading the lyrics on a blog, I began looking for the CD with the song with these lyrics. Unfortunately I hadn't paid attention to the song title or album title, making my search much more difficult. These are the lyrics to the song of my search:
"Our love is dead but without limit, like the surface of the moon or the land between here and the mountains. It is not these hiding places that have keep us innocent but the way you taught me to just let it all go by. So we have learned to be as faithless, stand behind the bulletproof glass, exchanging our affections through a drawer. It was always horribly convenient and happening too fast. You should count your change before you are even out the door.
Yes, you should but please...
Return, return to the person that you were. And I will do the same because it is too hard to belong to someone who is gone. My compass spins. The wilderness remains.
Once too often, I have retreated into the depths of my despair. I built a barricade to block you on the road. But standing there with all of my possessions, piled higher than a house, I felt closer to you than you ever could have known.
So let these tiny acts of charity become common ground of which to build a monument to commemorate our time. And though, you say, you've found another who will surely speed you on your way, don't let the forest grow over that you came there by. But you will, so...
Hurry up and run to the one that you love. And blind him with your kindness.
And he will make war, old war, on who you were before. And he'll claim all that has spoiled your heart.
Well, now, I tell myself I've mended under these patches of blue sky. There are still a few holes that let in a little rain. So it is crying on my shingles. My floorboards moan under my feet. The refrigerator is whining, so I've got reason to complain. But I am not gonna bless you with such compliments, some degrading psalm of praise, like the kind that converted you to me so long ago.
Because the truth is that gossip is as good as gospel in this town. You can save face but you won't ever save your soul. And that's a fact.
Hurry up and run to the one that you love. And tie him in you likeness, And he'll become, become the prisoner I was. And know all that has spoiled your heart."**
Thanks to Dale, I finally got a copy of the CD with this song. (And I also got two other CDs in the process which was a bonus). It is weird the way sometimes a song can seem to express exactly what I am thinking. Whether it be one line or the whole song. Whether it be just for that moment or for much longer.
A year ago, I had my first serious relationship in several years. I was pretty reluctant about the whole thing for various reasons. But in the end, it was song lyrics that convinced me to give in. Music was an important aspect of the relationship. I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to find closure. But hopefully, I'm there. In spite of all the sadness, hurt and confusion I've felt "cleaning up the mess he made" (John Mayer, "Daughters"), I don't regret it. And so I end with the words of Alanis Morissette, "That Particular Time":
at that particular time i knew not to run away again
that particular month i was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time...
i've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet i wanted to save us high water or hell
and i kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
in the meantime i lost myself
i'm sorry i lost myself... i am


*"Landlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes
** "Make War" by Bright Eyes

some random thoughts worth keeping

Part 1- Planning ahead
I love parties. But planning a party always makes me nervous. In addidition to all the preparations there is the fear, "what if nobody comes?" I was in charge of planning a social event for Journey. Not long after my roller-skating adventure with my kids, I attended a meeting to plan upcoming events. And so, I suggested skating.There were a few who thought roller-skating to be lame. They suggested ice-skating instead. And so I began to plan. I looked up a list of ice-skating places and made some calls. I knew for sure we could go ice-skating at the big, fancy mall. Unfortunately it was outside of the area so many of my friends refuse to leave. So I found a place closer. The location, date, and time were set. For at least a month, it was announced there would be ice-skating at the chosen venue. It was not until 2 weeks before the date, that someone let me know that there was no ice-skating at this place. It was just an old-fashioned roller rink. I was faced with a dilemma. Do I change the location? Or do I change the activity? In the end, I decided to just keep the location. We would roller-skate. Only 6 people showed up. Including me. After an hour of watching the clock and waiting for anyone else to show up, I gave up. I was ready for a beer.
Part 2- Looking Back
Once we had all agreed we were too old for skating, we decided to head for a bar. After much debate, we finally decided on a place to go. I hadn't been to this bar in a year. In fact, it was almost one year exactly. I can't help but reflect on all that I've experienced in a year. New friendships, lost friendships. A relationship, love, break-up, hurt, healing, frustration. Mistakes I can't undo. Moments I would never want to change. Trips with friends. Trips with family. Lots of laughing, lots of crying. Avoiding regret at all costs. In the year since I was last ordering a beer at this bar, I've had my share of really good, amazing experiences as well as just plain shitty, this-hurts-a-lot moments. But I guess I hope that all of these have made me just a little more interesting. I just wish I would stop having those "I'm such an idiot moments." No need for me to be that interesting...

cam goes to the races

Last night I went to the horse races for the first time. Sis and her boyfriend's family gave us tickets to a private suite complete with open bar and buffet dinner. I felt very "Sex and the City" as I dressed in a skirt and heels to go to the race track. I looked good which hopefully took attention away from the fact that I had no clue when it came to horse racing. The closest thing to horse racing I've ever done is seeing the movie, "Seabiscuit".
I missed betting for Races 1 and 2. But I was ready to try my luck when it was time for Race 3. I decided to place money on the horse, Whiskey for Me. Why? Because I liked the name. Fortunately for me the odds were also good. The horse placed and I won 40 cents. Additionally there was a group pool. From that bet, I made $30. The buy-in for the group betting was $40 per couple. I have no couple. And while I was my mom's plus-one for the horse races, my dad was her couple. It is the story of my life. In the end I paid my $20 and was coupled up with a girl whose fiance wasn't in town. That's just great. At least they didn't couple me with Boyfriend's 6-year old brother. Oh well. Who cares if I'm single if by the end of the night I made $50 from the pool?
After my first win, I was ready to bet on the Race 4 horses. I chose Wild Late Nite Fun and I Will Smooch to bring me more luck. I should have known better. Neither of those brought me good fortune. In Race 5, I selected Brightest Link and Darned Fabulous. It's a good thing the guy betting for the group was making better bets than me. I continued choosing names I liked best: Wild'n Free, Zamnation and Waco Fun. While one might argue that nothing good comes from Waco, this horse did win me some money. By the time Race 9 rolled around, I had actually learned a few things about horse racing and betting. I began considering the odds as well as the jockey win% and trainer win%. Choosing 'Silver Pegasus' over 'Texas Born', I saw another win.
I didn't stay for Race 10. I was pretty tired, and the open bar served very strong drinks. But I wonder if Easy Money Girl won...

remember when

Yesterday was "Buddy Day" at my school. In addition to the fact that I got to wear shorts to work, it was a great day because I didn't have to teach anything. Buddy Day is much like any typical field day except the students are partnered together, then wander to each activity unsupervised. Surprisingly it works and we don't lose any kids. Favorite activities such as tug-of-war and potato sack races are gone. Competition has been reduced to a minimum, eliminating the need for pink or green "participant" ribbons. Instead only 3 or 4 events are deemed ribbon events. The rest are activities such as water balloons, sno-cones, pinata, and the cupcake walk.
I was in charge of base running- a ribbon event. It was simple enough. Students ran around the bases while I clocked their time. The three fastest times were awarded 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place ribbons. There was no need for runner-up or participant ribbons. Maybe it was the competition factor, but my event was very popular. Many students kept coming back simply because they wanted to beat their own time.
At one point during my morning I looked over and saw one of my students playing tetherball. Alone. I laughed a little as I deemed him my very own "Napolean". But mostly it made me think. Why was he by himself? After all it was Buddy Day. And why are some kids singled out to be simply 'participant'? Even when we no longer give them the ribbons to draw attention to that fact. From an early age some sort of social heirarchy seems to develop. Labels are placed on kids, and then they will spend years trying to live up to the label or overcome it.

my reason is 3-fold

I've been writing a lot of blogs lately. Unfortunately, they've all been in my head. I haven't had time to actually sit down and type out so many of the thoughts I would normally blog.
1. First there was my move. My DSL ended and I've had to return to the world of dial-up. As soon as I have some extra time, I plan to connect my parents to the wonderful world of faster internet. I might even get some wireless action set up so that I can return to using my own computer in my own room.
2. Then I went to Mexico for a much needed vacation. For 3 days I left most of my worries behind. And for the first time in a very long time I did nothing. I was content to sit on the beach even as seven of my favorite people deserted me for shopping, eating lunch or napping. There was plenty of partying together in the evenings. And in the end, what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico. Mostly because I don't have time to write about it. I just wish I could have stayed in Mexico along with the stories and the memories. Sadly, I returned to all the same overwhelming anxieties, and now I have even less energy or motivation (maybe too much partying, not enough sleeping).
3. Finally I have just been going non-stop. It is the end of the school year and there is way too much to do. Additionally I seem to always have some place to be. And when I'm not gone, I'm trying to organize my room so that I can have at least one part of my life that is not chaotic and overwhelming. I am very tired. I want to write more, but my eyes are closing. ..

you can't always get what you want

I took the day off from work today because I wanted to sleep in and hopefully begin to feel rested. Instead I woke up with a sore throat, a headache, and a lot of stress caused by my dreams.

I wanted to have all my packing done so that this move will go smoothly. From where I sit now, it doesn't look like anything has been packed.

In contrast to the cynicism of the Garden State quote, I wanted to reflect about the possibility that I did create a new home for myself. And now I am emotionally preparing to leave it. Unfortunately, I gave the impression that I am dreading moving home. This isn't the case at all. I love my family. In fact, I like my family. Which some people can't say. I've just always been very independent. I think it would be acceptable for me to say that I have created a new home if I had a husband and children who lived there with me. I guess I just feel like home is the place where you experience life.

Since the start of the year I've been faced with making decisions and choices, and I wanted to believe that these choices and decisions wouldn't affect others. But I have to accept the fact that my actions do have consequences and sometimes not just for me. I love the people in my life. But sometimes I can be selfish. I start to think it's all about me. And I start to think that I can choose what is best for me. I read a book last year called "The Secret Life of Bees". I don't necessarily recommend this book unless you are just bored. But there was a quote in there that struck me as I read it.
"The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."
I know what matters. And I want to start choosing what matters. Because unfortunately it isn't just about the now. It is going to affect the later.

I might not always get what I want, and that's okay.

we need to talk...

Most people say they don't like confrontation. In fact, they'll do what they can to avoid it. I'm not one of these people. I'm not saying I like confrontation, I just prefer to get things in the open and start communicating. I don't think I've always been this way. And it certainly wasn't easy for me to become so upfront and honest. But I've had plenty of opportunities to practice. And now I hardly flinch, get nervous, or stress about having a confrontation. I just decide what needs to be said and say it. I'll even admit that sometimes I enjoy knowing that I am making the other person a little uncomfortable. Only a little...
Hey, I need some sort of control.

homesick

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone... Just sorta happens one day, and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like a rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for your kids. For the family you start." --Garden State
I'm moving back to my parents' house. I took a break from packing tonight to watch some of Garden State. And I could easily relate to this idea of home. The bedroom at my parents' house hasn't felt like mine in a very long time. I stayed there when I was home from college during school breaks. And I temporarily lived there when I first moved back from Thailand. But over the years, it has slowly evolved from being my bedroom to becoming a guestroom/storage space. My parents' house has ceased to feel like home to me. And even though I haven't yet started a family, I have created a new idea of home for myself. In the past two years, my apartment has become my home. I've created memories here- both good and bad, happy and sad. And now I'm boxing it all up. I'm going to live as a guest in a bedroom that was once mine. And I'm not really sure when I will really have a home again.
I will miss cooking dinner for my friends, watching movies on my red couch, sleeping in my queen-sized bed, drinking wine on the patio, typing at my computer, hosting late-night slumbers, etc. I'm already homesick for this place that I've called home for two years.

all at once

Life is overwhelming me right now. And it really sucks.

But I am thankful for people in my life who care about me and accept me. And I know that I'm going to get through all this shit. For those of you who have to be around me, I apologize. Just know, "it's not you, it's me." And I need lots of hugs.