everything's an adventure in NYC

Today I decided to go to Target. Now for most people, you don't have to plan to go to Target. You just get in your car and drive. When I lived in Texas, my apartment was a 5 minute drive to the nearest Target. If I had been really motivated, I could have walked there. In New York, this is not the case. Getting to Target from my apartment took just over 30 minutes and two subway trains, leaving Manhattan to go to the Bronx.
I set out at 3pm. I took the A train to 168th street. Then I transferred to the 1 train. However, this transfer is unlike most subway stations. To get to the 1 line, I had to take an elevator down to the platform. When you are prone to clautrophobia, an elevator ride underground is definitely unnerving. I began to experience some signs of an anxiety attack as I waited for the elevator door to open. I believe they took a few seconds longer than necessary to open.
After getting off the subway, I walked the short walk through the 28 degrees to get to Target. The first thing I noticed was the line that seemed to exist outside the Target. It was 3:30pm on a Sunday. Why would people be lined up to get inside Target? I have no idea. I never did find out. But the doors were definitely closed and locked with people waiting to go inside. I'd just traveled up to the Bronx and now it looked like I might not even be able to go in to Target. Luckily, I saw employees moving towards the doors and soon they were open and people filed inside. Thank goodness. I didn't go all that way only to turn around and go back home.
I wandered around Target still suffering from confusion. I could not figure out what was going on, but it didn't feel like a normal Target experience. First of all, there were tons of employees throughout the store, and they were all rushing around. Second, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be in there. Sure there were other shoppers in the store, but it felt like we were just in the way. I found some clothes I wanted to try on, but when I got to the dressing rooms I was told they were closed. Um, that's definitely weird.
I spent nearly an hour wandering around feeling disoriented and overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked, it seemed I saw people just acting weird. After picking out a new comforter, 3 DVDS, and some pajamas, I decided it was time to go. I wasn't sure they check out lines would even be open. Luckily they were. I made my purchases and left the Bizarro Target.
I finally got home at 5pm. My entire Target experience took 2 hours. Who knew Target could be such special, and in this case odd, adventure?

reflection on blogging

Lately I haven't been blogging much. My reason seems to be two-fold:
1. In between working two jobs, tutoring 3 nights a week, spending time with friends, and dating someone new, I just haven't had much free time.
2. I feel like my reason for blogging has changed, and it has affected my writing style and purpose.
When I first started blogging, I was looking for an outlet. I need a way to channel all of my feelings and thoughts into something creative and positive. Whether I was writing about the mundane or the personal, it was real. I allowed my voice to be vulnerable and honest. I wrote for myself. Even though I knew it was open for anyone to read, including people I knew, it still felt safe. Apart from trying to maintain some sense of anonymity, I didn't really edit my content or hold anything back. Then "i am cam" became "cam and the city" and the blog shifted. Maybe it wasn't perceptible to those who have been reading since I first started writing, but I knew my purpose and style had changed. I began writing for an audience instead of myself. As much as I love writing about my experiences and adventures in New York City, I also love writing about the random thoughts I have and that I am forever working out and processing. I'm never going to figure out life, but I love the process of trying to gain some sense of my purpose and who I am. But I don't write about this as much. I'm aware of who is or might be reading what I write, and my sense of safety has disappeared. It can be disconcerting to have someone learn about your personal thoughts, feelings, and struggles without you ever knowing they know. It makes what is personal and sacred for me, impersonal and meaningless.
So where do I go from here? Do I continue writing about my life in the City, withholding a part of myself? Or do I somehow learn to forget that people I know are reading my personal thoughts, ramblings, musings, and life and rediscover my purpose for writing?
I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I do know that I've missed blogging. I do need this blog as an outlet. I like writing. For me. And if others just happen to read my random thoughts, well, I guess that's just the way it is.

a job on the horizon?

It seems most of my blogs these days are about one of two things:
1. Being sick
2. The never-ending job search

The good news is that I am finally not sick. And I have a very promising job prospect. Basically, I'm applying for the job I've been doing for the last two months. I've been working as a temp, but the office realized it is really a full-time job. Therefore, I am finally seeing the promise of a salary and benefits in my very near future. So if I do get sick again, I'll actually have health insurance!

At this point I'm just hoping for the job, not to get sick...

the petri dish

I'm still sick. I've been sick since before Christmas. It seems the office where I work is simply an environment that fosters illness. Half the staff have been out sick at some point since the New Year. It's hard for me to take time off from work for sick days since I don't actually have sick days. If I don't work, I don't get paid. So I go everyday to the office and continue sharing germs with everyone else. And so, I'm still sick.