one day at a time

I had hoped to have my girlfriends to get me through this break up. Yet, the weekend is here and I have no plans. I can't help but wonder how it is that I have no one. Two of my best friends I met here in the city have since moved away. Other friends just happen to be out of town. And others I guess just don't realize how much I needed them. I guess I shouldn't expect people just to adjust their lives just because my life feels like it fell apart.
This isn't to say I don't have good friends. Many of them, despite the physical distance, have been supportive. They're available to chat on the phone. They offer a sympathetic ear and give me validation that I deserve more.
But it's hard being alone when I normally would have been with him. I want to be with people who will distract me from my loneliness. Last night I went out with some of my guy friends. It was a good distraction. But while they ask me if I want to talk about the break-up, it's clear they're pretty uncomfortable when I start to share my feelings. It's also weird when it seems they might be flirting with me. I just broke up with my boyfriend.
And so I am just trying to survive this break up one day at a time. The best that I can.

disappointment

I do not remember writing that last post over a year ago. I logged in to this nearly forgotten blog as a place to write about my latest heartache. Ironically, to lament the end of the relationship with the person who last March showed much potential.
I've had my share of heartbreaks and disappointments over the years. However, this is the first time where I was the one to end the relationship. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. I truly loved him and could see my future with him. But that's the problem. He just wasn't ready to include me in his future. We were a good match. I think we were good together. It would have been the perfect relationship if I was 10 years younger and content just living in the present. But I couldn't settle for what he wasn't willing to give me. So while breaking up with him and causing my own heartache was one of the hardest things I've done, it was also the bravest.
So another disappointing end to a relationship that held so much promise. I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss "us."

left behind

I am not referring to the end-of-the-world Christian book series. However, for many my own reference to feeling "left behind" might be just as frightening. I'm talking about relationships. For a long time, most of my friends were single just like me. Sure they might date, but none of them were really in serious relationships. Then one day, I realized that had changed. Many of my friends now have boyfriend/girlfriends. And I don't even know how it happened.
I'm happy for these friends, of course. But with the recent news of a friend's engagement and my cousin's engagement, I have to ask myself, "What about me?" Here I am, on the brink of 31 and still single. For many women, it's their worst nightmare. However, for the most part it's been easy being single in the city. Until I recently started seeing all the couples...
Sometimes I like to tell myself (and others) that I'm not anxious about getting married. That I'd be happy just to have a boyfriend. While there may be an element of truth in that, it's not the complete truth. I do want to get married. I like the idea of having someone to spend my life with. Someone to go through the daily routine of life with, but also someone to experience all of the new adventures with.
Maybe this is what prompted me to try the online dating scene again. So far, I've gone on one very successful date. We're already going out again. Already it feels easy and natural despite the fact that we met online. But I find myself wary of getting my hopes up. I worry I'm just projecting my hopeful expectations on the situation. I find myself trying to quiet my own inner cynic. To just relax and enjoy the process. Who knows? Maybe I will finally find "the one" and no longer be left behind.

"New" things rediscovered

Spring is on the way. Or at least I hope it is. As I suspected, it has been a very long, cold winter. I'm a little alarmed that after 4 1/2 years in New York, I now consider 50 to be warm, spring-like weather. Regardless, spring is a time of rebirth. Things that were dormant during the winter begin to grow again.
I suppose that's why I've decided to start blogging again. I've been dormant for a while in the blogosphere. There are a variety of reasons I could identify, but really in the end that's not important. All I know, is that as spring approaches I am looking to add new things and interests to my life. Of course, that's not to say all new things are necessarily new. Just new to my current routine.
This is the first step. I'm looking forward to once again writing- and not just emails, facebook updates, papers for class, or reports for work. No, I'm looking forward to once again tapping into a creative outlet. Especially since my singing and piano days are long behind me...

A tribute to my dad

As of today my dad is officially retired. In honor of him, I post this tribute.

I've learned a lot of my dad over the years- how to water ski, to value tradition, to believe that all guys are sorry until they prove otherwise. But some of the most important lessons were about jobs and work. Whenever my sister or I would complain about a job, he would always remind us- there is a reason WORK is a four-letter word.

Despite this seemingly negative adage about work, I learned several positive truths from my dad.

1. Develop a strong work ethic.
Too often people mistake this idea with the belief that work has to become their #1 priority and they end up becoming workaholics. Instead, my dad simply taught us that a strong work ethic means giving your best to the job or task that is requested of you. As a result of the example set by my dad, both my sister and I started working at a fairly young age. Like my dad, the skills I learned in those early jobs have contributed to developing my strong work ethic.

2. Work hard, but play hard also.
My dad has always been a hard worker. I remember the times when he worked night shifts, the Fair days, and the part-time jobs. He did all of these things because it allowed him not only to provide for our family, but also to be with us. These jobs equaled family vacations to the beach or Disney World or cruises.

3. Whatever you do, do it with integrity
My dad didn't actually talk about his job at home very often. He was usually too busy listening to me, my sister or my mom complain about our jobs. But I've hear comments over the years which lead me to know that my dad is respected by those he has worked with.

As someone who has never been at any job longer than 2 years, it is especially impressive to me that my dad is retiring from the Police Force after 32 years. For 32 years he has given his best to his job. This was a career of service and sacrifice. To the department and to his family. And so, like so many others, I simply want to say- thank you.