cam and the city

one day at a time

2011-07-30T11:19:00.002-04:00

I had hoped to have my girlfriends to get me through this break up. Yet, the weekend is here and I have no plans. I can't help but wonder how it is that I have no one. Two of my best friends I met here in the city have since moved away. Other friends just happen to be out of town. And others I guess just don't realize how much I needed them. I guess I shouldn't expect people just to adjust their lives just because my life feels like it fell apart.
This isn't to say I don't have good friends. Many of them, despite the physical distance, have been supportive. They're available to chat on the phone. They offer a sympathetic ear and give me validation that I deserve more.
But it's hard being alone when I normally would have been with him. I want to be with people who will distract me from my loneliness. Last night I went out with some of my guy friends. It was a good distraction. But while they ask me if I want to talk about the break-up, it's clear they're pretty uncomfortable when I start to share my feelings. It's also weird when it seems they might be flirting with me. I just broke up with my boyfriend.
And so I am just trying to survive this break up one day at a time. The best that I can.

disappointment

2011-07-29T10:54:00.002-04:00

I do not remember writing that last post over a year ago. I logged in to this nearly forgotten blog as a place to write about my latest heartache. Ironically, to lament the end of the relationship with the person who last March showed much potential.
I've had my share of heartbreaks and disappointments over the years. However, this is the first time where I was the one to end the relationship. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. I truly loved him and could see my future with him. But that's the problem. He just wasn't ready to include me in his future. We were a good match. I think we were good together. It would have been the perfect relationship if I was 10 years younger and content just living in the present. But I couldn't settle for what he wasn't willing to give me. So while breaking up with him and causing my own heartache was one of the hardest things I've done, it was also the bravest.
So another disappointing end to a relationship that held so much promise. I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss "us."

left behind

2010-03-14T11:21:00.003-04:00

I am not referring to the end-of-the-world Christian book series. However, for many my own reference to feeling "left behind" might be just as frightening. I'm talking about relationships. For a long time, most of my friends were single just like me. Sure they might date, but none of them were really in serious relationships. Then one day, I realized that had changed. Many of my friends now have boyfriend/girlfriends. And I don't even know how it happened.
I'm happy for these friends, of course. But with the recent news of a friend's engagement and my cousin's engagement, I have to ask myself, "What about me?" Here I am, on the brink of 31 and still single. For many women, it's their worst nightmare. However, for the most part it's been easy being single in the city. Until I recently started seeing all the couples...
Sometimes I like to tell myself (and others) that I'm not anxious about getting married. That I'd be happy just to have a boyfriend. While there may be an element of truth in that, it's not the complete truth. I do want to get married. I like the idea of having someone to spend my life with. Someone to go through the daily routine of life with, but also someone to experience all of the new adventures with.
Maybe this is what prompted me to try the online dating scene again. So far, I've gone on one very successful date. We're already going out again. Already it feels easy and natural despite the fact that we met online. But I find myself wary of getting my hopes up. I worry I'm just projecting my hopeful expectations on the situation. I find myself trying to quiet my own inner cynic. To just relax and enjoy the process. Who knows? Maybe I will finally find "the one" and no longer be left behind.

"New" things rediscovered

2010-03-11T13:11:00.002-05:00

Spring is on the way. Or at least I hope it is. As I suspected, it has been a very long, cold winter. I'm a little alarmed that after 4 1/2 years in New York, I now consider 50 to be warm, spring-like weather. Regardless, spring is a time of rebirth. Things that were dormant during the winter begin to grow again.
I suppose that's why I've decided to start blogging again. I've been dormant for a while in the blogosphere. There are a variety of reasons I could identify, but really in the end that's not important. All I know, is that as spring approaches I am looking to add new things and interests to my life. Of course, that's not to say all new things are necessarily new. Just new to my current routine.
This is the first step. I'm looking forward to once again writing- and not just emails, facebook updates, papers for class, or reports for work. No, I'm looking forward to once again tapping into a creative outlet. Especially since my singing and piano days are long behind me...

A tribute to my dad

2008-09-02T20:39:00.002-04:00

As of today my dad is officially retired. In honor of him, I post this tribute.

I've learned a lot of my dad over the years- how to water ski, to value tradition, to believe that all guys are sorry until they prove otherwise. But some of the most important lessons were about jobs and work. Whenever my sister or I would complain about a job, he would always remind us- there is a reason WORK is a four-letter word.

Despite this seemingly negative adage about work, I learned several positive truths from my dad.

1. Develop a strong work ethic.
Too often people mistake this idea with the belief that work has to become their #1 priority and they end up becoming workaholics. Instead, my dad simply taught us that a strong work ethic means giving your best to the job or task that is requested of you. As a result of the example set by my dad, both my sister and I started working at a fairly young age. Like my dad, the skills I learned in those early jobs have contributed to developing my strong work ethic.

2. Work hard, but play hard also.
My dad has always been a hard worker. I remember the times when he worked night shifts, the Fair days, and the part-time jobs. He did all of these things because it allowed him not only to provide for our family, but also to be with us. These jobs equaled family vacations to the beach or Disney World or cruises.

3. Whatever you do, do it with integrity
My dad didn't actually talk about his job at home very often. He was usually too busy listening to me, my sister or my mom complain about our jobs. But I've hear comments over the years which lead me to know that my dad is respected by those he has worked with.

As someone who has never been at any job longer than 2 years, it is especially impressive to me that my dad is retiring from the Police Force after 32 years. For 32 years he has given his best to his job. This was a career of service and sacrifice. To the department and to his family. And so, like so many others, I simply want to say- thank you.

I know I should be flattered...

2008-08-04T19:27:00.003-04:00

I was carded at the wine store tonight! I can't remember the last time I was carded. Sure if I go to a bar after 10, I get carded. But they card everyone at that time. I haven't had a wine store ask me for ID in quite a while. I wanted to yell at the guy that I will be 30 in less than a year! Instead, I left the bottle at the check out and walked out.
I won't be going back to that store. I like the store where I can show up with just a credit card and buy a bottle of wine.

just a random Friday night in NYC

2008-08-02T12:39:00.004-04:00

Last night I went to happy hour with some friends at Byrant Park. Unlike our usual happy hours, this definitely was an "after work" scene. Most of the crowd had that professional look. We mingled around looking for interesting people to meet. By that I mean, single men. While we didn't have the success we had hoped for, it was still a good time with good friends and cold beer.
After happy hour, we decided it was a good idea to eat some dinner before moving to another bar. My friend knew a "great" restaurant not too far away. Apparently, she forgot that it was somewhat fancy which means somewhat pricey. I guess that happens when you go on a date and someone else pays. However, they were participating in Restaurant Week. I had actually wanted to go to Restaurant Week, but it didn't seem to happen. Suddenly I was at Restaurant Week completely unexpectedly. Deciding to make the most of it, I went not only with the Restaurant Week menu but also the wine pairings. Overall, it was a wonderful experience. I don't often go to the fancy restaurants of New York so it was a fun way to spend the evening.
After our random Restaurant Week dinner, we went to the Gingerman and enjoyed some beers and conversation with several strangers. This was more like a typical Friday night for me. In the end, it was pretty much a perfect way to spend my Friday.
Oh, and I had bought a new dress to wear out that apparently made me look hot.

the end of another chapter

2008-04-27T20:27:00.003-04:00

I'm moving again. Moving might be my least favorite thing. Ever.
I have to pack up all my stuff, throw out things, arrange for movers, disrupt my life. I'm fairly apprehensive about this move. I have to leave my very cute studio apartment with two spacious (by NYC standards) closets. I'm moving into a friend's apartment. My room will likely be filled to capacity and my tiny closet will certainly not hold all of my clothes. Also, I will have to readjust to having a roommate. Sure, I've been lonely at times on my own this past year, but you can never be sure that a good friend will make a good roommate.
I just keep telling myself- I'll be saving money. My rent was going up and my salary unfortunately has not. So I'm moving again. Hopefully it will be wonderful, and I won't have to move again. The neighborhood is cute, even if it is far from the subway. My commute to work will be longer- about 45 minutes.
But at least I'll be saving money.
So I'm moving again. Tomorrow. Looking around my apartment right now I'm just hoping I will be ready when the movers show up.

and suddenly it's spring

2008-04-24T19:20:00.004-04:00

Today I walked home through Central Park. I was halfway through the park when I suddenly realized- the trees have leaves!
Maybe it is appropriate that my last post was written in February about my snowy non-snow day. It was a long winter. It started to get cold the end of October and continued to be cold until the middle of April. Maybe my non-blogging was a reflection that this winter put me into a hibernation mode. If I had not started seeing signs that spring was coming, I probably would have continue to spiral into a state of official depression.
I first saw hints of spring with the flower planted not only in the park, but all over the city. Next came the blooming cherry trees. Despite these signs, the trees continued to be bare and the grass continued to be brown. When I couldn't see the flowers and cherry trees, the city continued to have that dreary, dead, depressing winter look.
Then suddenly bright green leaves appeared on the trees, and the grass was green, too. It's officially spring. I'm able to wear skirts and short sleeves and sandals. I only need a light jacket, occasionally. But the best thing of all is that my mood seems to be remarkably improved.
It's finally spring!

snow day

2008-02-22T19:07:00.002-05:00

Today was a snow day. By that I mean it was very snowy today.

It is my opinion that if it is snowing, then you should get a snow day. You know, a get out of work free day due to the inclement weather. Who doesn't dream of a snow day? A snow day means you can go back to sleep. When you finally wake up you make a big pot of coffee and watch all the things you can't normally watch because you are at work. Maybe you go outside to play in the snow; maybe you don't. It doesn't really matter. Because you aren't at work.

So it snowed today. I woke up to the sound of snow scrapers. I looked out the window and saw the blanket of white. I looked at my phone and willed it to ring. I checked my work email searching for news of my office closed. I think the snow tree was broken. After all, my boss who is supposed to initiate it is in Florida. Why would she call about the snow?
So I had to go to work today. It took almost an hour and a half to get there (an hour longer than usual.) I waited on the bus for over 30 minutes. I would not have waited for the bus, if I didn't have to go to work. I seriously thought about going back inside and calling it a day.

So it wasn't really a snow day. But it was a snowy day.

I am hopeful

2008-01-07T20:55:00.000-05:00

The new year has been off to a rocky start. I got a call on Saturday followed by another on Sunday with bad news from people at home. While I am reluctant to consider both at the same time due to the varying nature of the news, both events have consequences and profound impacts on many people. My heart aches for the people affected in each of the two situations.
However, I remain hopeful. I believe that in spite of all the heartache and struggle these events bring to the people affected by them, there will be something positive to arise out of these unique situations.
So even though the first weekend of this new year was filled with sadness and worry, I am hopeful that this new year reveal many good things. And so I want with anticipation to see what this new year will offer not only me, but the people I love. I am hopeful it will be filled with love and healing.
I am hopeful.

Thanksgiving in the City

2007-12-08T10:53:00.001-05:00

This year I spent Thanksgiving in New York City. On Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I spent the day playing tour guide for an aunt, uncle and two cousins who were in town to see the third cousin perform in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I took them to see Columbia University, my apartment on the upper east side, and of course, Central Park. I have never seen colors quite like this in Texas!

Wednesday night, my former roommate came to town. After a late night, we met the rest of her family on Thursday morning to go watch the Macy's Parade.

We made it through the large crowd of people on the street level. We went up to my roommate's aunt's office where we enjoyed the aerial view of the parade passing by below.

There goes Shrek... a new addition to the parade.

I love football! The next day was spent watching the sad loss of Texas to Texas A&M at Hill Country BBQ Restaurant. Being there was the closest experience I can have to actually being in Texas. It smells like Texas. I love it.

In honor of my dad- the NYPD Mounted Unit riding in the parade.

I think my cousin is somewhere among these 500 dancers. Sadly, I didn't get to see the performance. They save the acts for Harold Square and the cameras.

SANTA!

After the parade, we took a walk through Central Park.

I had never been to this fountain, though it was immediately recognizable from films set in NYC. I always love making new discoveries of the park.
After the parade and the park, my roommate and I went back to my apartment and cooked my contributions for the Thanksgiving dinner. I decided to take two of my family's traditional foods: spinach casserole and macaroni and cheese. My vegetarian roommate was very appreciative that this year she would be able to eat more than mashed potatoes and salad. If I couldn't be with my own family on Thanksgiving, it was nice to be with hers.

This song is so catchy!

2007-11-03T14:26:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to a friend's apartment. We ordered in Thai food and watched a movie. This video is the best part of Music & Lyrics.

Please enjoy responsibly.

over-commericialization

2007-10-31T21:45:00.000-04:00

I just saw a Christmas commercial.
It's still Halloween.
I love Christmas, but this is just ridiculous.

Bachelorette Party Checklist

2007-10-31T17:33:00.000-04:00

As requested, here is a copy:

Bachelorette Party Checklist!

· Have a guy give you a condom

· Have a guy Write his philosophy on marriage on a napkin

· Get a piggyback ride from a stranger

· Point down to your bum and tell a boy how much you love your bum

· Go up to a cute man and start an intellectual conversation about the war in Iraq

· Go up to a cute guy and pretend like you are an airhead and talk about shopping

· Get a shot and lead all your friends in prayer before drinking it

· Find the oldest guy in the place and ask him for a dance

· Lead a group of cute guys in the Pledge of Allegiance

NOTE: Whether or not the Bachelorette completed these tasks is unknown- even to me.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?

2007-10-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

Not when you have this much fun!

Two weekends ago, I flew out to Vegas for my sister's Bachelorette Party. There were 9 girls total: 7 blondes, 2 brunettes. All good-looking, fun, and ready to party. Here are some of the highlights of the weekend which was "the most fun I've had in years!"

Thursday

Sister and a friend meet a guy at the airport who promises to "hook us up" at Tao
Most of the girls arrive at our hotel, Planet Hollywood between 5-8pm
The 7 of us who arrived that day go to Tao where we not only get escorted in, but also get our own table, free bottle service of Grey Goose, a waitress to mix our drinks, and a security guard to watch our table (anyone who got too close was told to move and any unwanted guys were told to leave- it was AWESOME)
We danced until about 2am, then it was late night pizza, then bed

Friday

I wake up at 7:30am-despite going to bed late, I think I was on NY time... or just too excited about being in Vegas to sleep
When I hear my sister in the next room, I join her and one of the other girls. The 3 of us go to the breakfast buffet at Paris. Given that I'm ready to party in Vegas, I order a Bloody Mary. When the waitress tells me it is only 99 cents, my sister and her friend order one too. I finished mine, then helped finish both of theirs. They were really good Bloody Marys. I was a little bit drunk by 10:30am.
After taking a short nap while all of the other girls went to lunch, all of us headed to the pool. This was one of the reasons we went to Vegas in October to celebrate the Bachelorette Party for a wedding that is in January- the pool. It was perfect. I stayed at the pool working on my tan, enjoying cocktails, and flirting until my sister told me to get my ass in the shower.
Next was the Lingerie Shower. Let's just say the groom-to-be is one lucky guy.
We had dinner reservations at a restaurant at the Venitian. My sister was easily identifiable as the bachelorette- she was wearing a white cowboy hat with a veil. At the end of our dinner, a guy offered to buy our table a round of shots. My sister chose that moment to lead us all in a prayer (one of the items on her "Bachelorette Checklist"). It maybe slightly sacreligious, but it was pretty damn funny.
Since we were at the Venetian, we stopped by Tao. Again we got right in, but we left not longer after since it was kinda lame. Instead we headed to Tryst. We were told to "ask for Bobby." At Tryst, we found Bobby who led our group of 9 girls to the front of the line and through the doors. Not only did we not wait in the line, but we also didn't pay the $20 cover for ladies.
Tryst was lots of fun. I met a group of cute Canadian guys. We watched my sister do things from her Checklist. Etc, etc.
We left Tryst to go to Pure (where our name was on the VIP list). Unfortunately, the Bachelorette lost her ID in the cab. No longer able to go to Pure, a guy who worked at Caesars got permission from the casino owner (so he says) to let us into Poetry even though my sister didn't have an ID. He even gave us free drink passes.
The only thing we liked about Poetry were the free drinks. We walked in, found it to be lame, got our free drinks, then walked right back out with our free drinks in hand. We ended up going out a back door. There just happened to be a red Hummer sitting there. So we asked for a ride back to the front of Caesars. The driver said he was waiting for Carmen Electra, but he could take us if we hurried. So we rode in Carmen Electra's Hummer.
The night concluded with late night food back at our hotel.

Saturday

My sister calls every cab company to find her ID. Turns out the Lost and Found isn't open on the weekends. Make a note: do not lose anything on a weekend.
One of the girls works for Southwest Airlines. She arranges for my mom to drop off my sister's passport with her supervisor who then flies it to Houston and passes it off to another supervisor who then flies it to Vegas where my sister is able to get it at the airport. Make a note: invite a friend who is a flight attendant to travel with you.
In the meantime, we all went to lunch at In N Out Burgers. Then we did some sight-seeing along the strip. Finally I got to spend some time in the casino. I played Roulette for the first time. I lost about $80. My friend won about $80. I didn't like her much.
That night we went to see the Chippendales show. It was quite a show...
After Chippendales, we went to Voodoo at the top of Rio. One girl talked the door guy into letting us in. I mean, at this point we weren't really used to standing in line like the "common" people. Once in Voodoo we joined some guy's private party. It was really fun being part of this group of 9 hot girls. Lots of perks!
We took a limo from Voodoo to Jet. Once at Jet, we partied the night away. I'm not sure what time I got back to the hotel or went to bed. I just know it was late. At least I went back to the hotel. Two of the girls ran into the room the next morning, afraid they were going to miss their flights.

Sunday

This was travel home day. I was at the airport at 8am. I waiting in the security line for almost an hour. I'm glad I hadn't been rushing at the last minute.
I was exhausted from the weekend, but I had no regrets. We partied like rock stars!

Overall, it was a really fun weekend. Apart from the lost ID, there was no drama. Given we had 9 girls sharing 2 hotel rooms, this is a pretty amazing feat. My sister has great friends who are beautiful both inside and out. I hope if I ever get married my own Bachelorette Party will be this much fun. Maybe I should just invite this group of girls again...

I can't escape my past

2007-10-11T22:46:00.000-04:00

I recently joined Facebook. I was reluctant to join. Like most people in my generation, I'm already spending too much of my day online. I have email, this blog, MySpace, and the entire world wide web for browsing. Did I really need another online addiction? It seems the answer is yes. I'm addicted. I need the internet.
One of the things I've noticed is that online networks such as MySpace and Facebook end up being just another medium of communication with my current social network. Sure, it may be an additional way for me to keep in touch with my friends back in Texas. But is a comment as meaningful as a phone call or even an email? Probably not. For my friends who are in New York, why do I need to be friends with them in this online format? Is it a substitute for actually making plans with them? Am I replacing a phone call with the convenience of posting a short "we should get together" comment on their profile? Then there is the whole inherent popularity contest that seems to be happening. What does it really mean to have 250 friends on MySpace or Facebook? If I don't have hundreds of friends, what does this say about me?
Despite these concerns and issues with MySpace and Facebook, I have to say I've had some really positive experiences. It wasn't long after joining MySpace that I was reconnected with a friend from high school who I had regretted losing touch with. Since then, we've become good friends again. By this I mean, we call each other to share news. We hang out when I'm home. She's that friend I know I'll always have. (I have a feeling I might have blogged about this story before.)
Now after joining Facebook, I have had the same opportunity to find friends from my past. Again, some of them are people that I've really regretted losing touch with. However, one of the things I'm finding on Facebook (and to a lesser degree on MySpace) is the random connections between people. While looking through the friends of one person, I see people I've seen on other people's friends list. It's the whole 6 degrees connection thing. This was how I came face-to-face with my past. The part of my past I was trying to escape. The part that I can't escape. The part that was the catalyst for where I am now.
And he was only 2 random degrees away. And I mean very random.

more than just a phone

2007-10-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

Between the hours 1:30pm and 3:00pm on Friday afternoon, my cell phone disappeared. At first I thought maybe one of my very adorable co-workers saw it sitting out and thought it would be fun to hide it. I admit, I might do something like that. It would be a funny prank, but only if you admit pretty quickly that you simply hid the phone. No one confessed. No one pulled the phone from their desk drawer and said "here it is..."
I searched all over, around and under my desk. I was literally on my hands and knees searching. I never found it. I have no idea how it could have disappeared. I'm very reluctant to suggest that someone took it. Sure, I accused my co-workers of taking it. But that was only when I thought they were playing a prank on me.
I was pretty upset about losing my phone. I think most people thought it was because of the inconvenience it caused. I was unable to make plans with friends that night. I couldn't call anyone and no one could reach me. I suddenly felt helpless by the loss. What if my family tried to reach me? What if there was an emergency and I needed to call for help? These were among some of the thoughts going through my head as I was freaking out.
However, that phone was more than a tool for communication. It served as a memory book. As an avid text messager, that phone contained many messages that reflected important moments in my life over the past few years. Every once in a while (usually when I am on the subway and bored) I would scroll back through and read those messages. Nostalgia at its best. Most would make me laugh, some made me ponder, and others just made me shake my head and wonder "what was I thinking?"
Now the one (and only) good thing about losing my phone is that I've lost some phone numbers I really didn't need anymore.
I did get a new phone. It's pink. I don't know what I was thinking. I am not pink. Sure, it's fancy, but all day Saturday I kept sending messages like "pmk." I couldn't figure out the new messaging. The guy I was writing kept thinking I was using "text" language. I was like "idk I can't figure out this phone." LOL. Not really. I don't do that type of texting.
Anyways, I've replaced the phone. I just wish I could replace the memories stored in the old phone.

dating drama

2007-10-03T20:15:00.000-04:00

The following story is not my own. Lately my dating life has been drama-free. Sadly this is because it has been non-existent. It's been a while since I've had a date. Unless you count the fireman a few weeks ago- which I don't. Yes, that fireman. The one who stood me up several times. Trust me, I've learned to ignore his calls and text messages. But this story isn't about me...

Last Thursday, I was feeling particularly stressed at work. I explained to my co-worker that this was the reason I enjoy Grey's Anatomy so much. The drama on Grey's Anatomy offers me an escape. So he asked me if I wanted to hear about his brother's recent dating drama. My response, of course, was "Yes, please." This is the full-story of the drama diversion.

My co-worker's brother ("the brother") went out on a date last Wednesday. The girl is a co-worker of the brother's roommate's girlfriend ("the girlfriend"). The girlfriend is practically a roommate, too. Now my definition of a roommate is someone who shares apartment responsibilities such as rent and bills. The girlfriend simply lives there rent-free. In my opinion, this is already a recipe for disaster.
So the brother goes out on a date with the girlfriend's co-worker. Early on in the evening, this girl reveals that she nearly canceled the date. She goes on to explain that she had been getting messages on Facebook warning her about getting involved with him. She says that it was his roommate who was telling her to be careful. There were stories about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, none of which were true. The messages also seemed to question his character. It didn't take the brother long to realize who was behind all of this. Not the roommate. It was the girlfriend. She had been logging on to her boyfriend's Facebook, pretending to be him, and sending these messages filled with lies. Um, let's start with the basic problem with all of this. SHE IS LOGGING ON TO HER BOYFRIEND'S PROFILE, and he doesn't know it. Who does that? How can you have a relationship when you invade that person's privacy and violate their trust?
So now what is the brother supposed to do when he goes home? The girlfriend is going to be there. It may not be official, but they are roommates. Instead the brother decided to avoid the apartment by meeting my co-worker at a bar. When they both went back to his place, it was obviously awkward and tense. He knows that the girlfriend tried to sabotage his date. According to my co-worker it is "obvious she has a crush on him." So what is he supposed to do?
The brother told his roommate who didn't seem to react. He hasn't decided if he is going to confront the girlfriend about what she did. Currently his plan is to avoid the apartment as much as possible. This drama directly affects my co-worker. Until he and his brother finalize the paperwork on the apartment they are buying, he is homeless. He was often sleeping on his brother's couch, but now he is also trying to avoid the apartment. They both are. I know I should feel guilty about enjoying this story so much, but it really did make me feel better last Thursday.

Dating in this city is already difficult and often full of drama without people trying to complicate things on purpose. The girlfriend is crazy. Seriously.

I hate chores

2007-10-02T18:47:00.001-04:00

I'm not a big fan of doing chores. Sure, I always like my apartment significantly more when it is clean. But sometimes I really resent the effort required of me to get this satisfaction.
There is one chore I've recently realized I hate more than others- washing the dishes. I feel like there are always dishes to be washed. How can this be? It's just me. How can I use so many dishes? If I washed things immediately after I used them, would this make the chore any better? I don't think so.
I miss dishwashers. All you people who have this luxury. Be grateful.
Of course, even when I had a dishwasher I hated loading it and unloading it.
Clearly, I just don't like chores.
I need a maid.
Or a roommate...

a very long day

2007-10-01T21:30:00.000-04:00

After a somewhat restless night, I woke up anxious about the day. I arrived at work at 8:45 this morning. I continued working on the project that took up my days last week. I began to find mistakes and make some changes. While I did manage to leave the office for a short lunch break, it didn't really feel like I ever stopped. I finally left work at 8:20 this evening. This was nearly a 12 hour work day.
I find myself asking how I ended up so deeply entrenched on a project that was never mine to begin with. Have I somehow developed some sort of 'martyr' attitude? No one likes a martyr. I don't think that is it. I simply took on this project because I felt I understood it, and I unexpectedly found myself taking the lead. Then I began to strive for perfection. I was working with numbers. I like numbers. They should balance. If I was getting my information from one report, shouldn't my numbers have matched that report.
I'm still not convinced this report is as good as it should be. But what was I going to do? The truth is that an analysis of the magnitude that I was trying to do takes at least a few weeks. I had a few days.
Today was too long. I'm tired. I don't want to go to work tomorrow...

breaking the (work) boundaries

2007-09-30T19:47:00.000-04:00

Usually I'm pretty good about setting boundaries (at least on a professional level.) Work should be a 9am-5pm affair. Sure, there are the occasional times when it is necessary to work through lunch or stay late. But in my opinion, these should be the exception, not the rule. I most especially hold to the 5pm rule on Fridays when I am headed to happy hour. I want nothing more than to relax and begin my weekend.
This past week lots of boundaries were broken at work. I took on a project that wasn't mine. I stayed late on Thursday, working through lunch. I got there early on Friday,working well past the designated happy hour time. Then I checked work email on Saturday. Big mistake. I then found myself wrapped up in and the root cause of a drama-filled, work-related weekend. I talked to several of my co-workers on multiple occasions. Not only was I breaking my boundaries, but I was breaking theirs too.
The weekend wasn't quite as relaxing as I had hoped it would be. Like the two previous weekends, it was filled with some drama. Too bad it was all related to work.
In the end, it wasn't all that bad. I realized just how lucky I am. I've got amazing co-workers. They were there to support me. When I said I was going to go in on Sunday, each of them said they would go with me. Of course, I would do the same for any of them.
In the end, we didn't go in today. Well, one of them did. And that's my fault. I'm publicly apologizing to you here. Again. (I think I inadvertently escalated the work drama...)
I don't know what tomorrow will be like, all I know is that I am looking forward to facing it with some of the best people I've ever had the pleasure to call co-workers and friends.

drama diversion

2007-09-27T23:11:00.000-04:00

I don't know about you, but when I'm stressed out about my own life other dramas offer an escape. Whether it's my co-worker's brother's real-life drama or the Grey's Anatomy drama, all I know is that afterwards I feel a little bit better about my own stress and drama.
Oh, wine helps, too.

controversial monday in the city

2007-09-25T22:41:00.000-04:00

One advantage of working for an affiliate of a very prestigious university is the access it affords you. Yesterday, the Columbia University campus was closed to anyone not associated with the college. Luckily for me, my ID allowed me to enter.
Normally one does not need an ID to walk through the Columbia campus. Of course, normally Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmandinejad is not scheduled to speak on campus. While the auditorium where he was speaking was closed to anyone who had not registered to attend, I learned that there were several locations on campus where one could watch the live video feed. So several of my co-workers and I decided to go watch the speech.
There is no point for me to write about what was said. The media has already provided what they believe to be the most essential sound bites. In fact, I'm hesitant to comment on the speech and "debate" at all. When you have something that is as controversial such as this, or more importantly personal, how can you comment without offending someone?
I had a friend who planned to protest this speech. As someone of the Jewish faith, it was offensive to him to allow Ahmandinejad a platform for questioning the Holocaust and suggesting "wiping Israel off the map." So what would he say about the fact that I attended the speech (even if I didn't technically attend)? Could even my actions be misconstrued as condoning Ahmandinejad's opinions and beliefs?
I take my chance with just a few reactions to the entire event:

Columbia University President Lee Bollinger's comments were shocking at times. It seemed as if he was trying to justify his decision and respond to the controversy. It seemed inappropriate to open the forum with the hostility he created. He seemed to suggest that it was his duty to confront Ahmandinejad's "evil" on behalf of the University and even the United States.
The first part of Ahmandinejad's speech was boring. He kept quoting scriptures and referring to religion and science and knowledge. It didn't make much sense.
The speech got interesting when he acknowledged Bollinger's opening remarks. He seemed to get the purpose of this forum. Why didn't Bollinger? How can you find truth when you simply accuse not question? Where was diplomacy?
There were a few times when the auditorium where I was sitting laughed at the remarks made by Ahmandinejad. If you read or watched the news, you know what they are. But my focus wasn't on what he was saying as much as why he was saying it. Again, I'm not saying I agree with him, but shouldn't we be asking the why? The same was true with Bollinger's opening remarks. I know what he said, but for me it is more important to know why.
I guess in the end I was both impressed and distressed by President Bollinger's opening remarks. To outright challenge the political stances of the Iranian President to his face is pretty gutsy. However, to call a world leader names during the forum is just rude.
To be truthful, I felt the same about President Ahmandinejad. I was impressed with his demeanor in spite of the very un-welcoming introduction. However, he seemed to evade some of the important questions about reports of human rights violations in Iran, his call for more research and documentation of the Holocaust, and his stance on Israel. But the man had a point- where is the free speech when you are told to give a yes or no answer?
Finally, I have to wonder- how much was lost in translation?

cam confession #16

2007-09-24T21:49:00.000-04:00

I dress to impress.

I like the weekends. Figuring out what to wear is easy. When I'm chilling at home, I wear sweatpants or if I'm feeling really lazy I just lounge in my pajamas. When I go out, I usually wear jeans or a mini-skirt with a cute top. If I'm really in the mood to be flirty, I'll wear a cute dress.
When it comes to figuring out what to wear to work, I usually struggle. Maybe it's because I'm still wishing I was in bed rather than thinking about getting ready for work. Or maybe it's because I'd prefer not to care. I'll be honest, there are certain factors that influence my outfit choice for a workday.
Do I have a scheduled meeting with the "big boss" or other important people? If so, I am sure to wear something professional.
Otherwise I simply ask myself "does this need to be ironed?" Or "does this match?"
Actually, that's not true. I actually strive to look put together. I've actually developed a fairly good reputation at work for dressing well. I guess this means people have noticed my efforts.
Unfortunately, this creates too much pressure. For example, last Sunday night I set out an outfit that I thought would be stylish and professional. On Monday morning I discovered that the skirt and shirt combo wasn't working. In desperation, I pulled out a different skirt. I still wasn't satisfied with the look, but unfortunately I was out of time.
I spent the rest of my week carefully choosing outfits that were stylish and professional in an effort to overcome Monday's disaster.
I love Fridays. It's essentially my weekend wear: jeans and a cute top. Oh, and my cowboy boots. They make me sassy.

everybody move to the back of the bus

2007-09-17T21:06:00.000-04:00

When I moved to my new apartment, my commute to work changed. When I lived in my old apartment, I walked to work through a park, uphill. Nearly everyday I climbed those stairs. From my apartment door to the office door, it took me just under 20 minutes. The only time I didn't walk was on days when it was crazy raining or crazy snowing. Otherwise, I walked down the street to the park, up all those damn stairs, then down the hill 4 blocks to my office.
Though the commute to work is longer- 35 minutes from door to door, depending on the traffic- it is definitely easier. Each morning I walk down the stairs, out of my apartment. Some days I can see the bus at the stop. This usually makes me hurry down the stairs a little bit faster. I don't go to the bus stop I can see from the stair windows, but to the one on the next corner. If there is a group there, it is a fairly good sign. It means I haven't missed the bus. If I have missed the bus, I usually know it. I can see it pulling away from the curb.
Generally the people waiting for the bus with me have enough sense to form a queue. After all, it makes sense that if I'm the first one at the bus stop, then I should be the first one on the bus. This is not the case. I'm still shocked at the pushing and cutting that grown people do in order to be first on the bus. Okay, I want a seat on that bus as much as the next person, but I'm not going to forget my manners to get one. I can stand. And if it is a man engaging in this behavior, pushing some little old lady out if his way? Don't even get me started.
Sometimes the crowd waiting for the bus sign is very alarming. It means that the bus is running late. When it finally does arrive, there is a lot of pushing to make it on the bus. Not me. Not only do I hate when the bus is that crowded, but I've also learned there is another bus directly behind this one. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person at my bus stop who has learned this fact. So while that one guy shoves his way onto the already too crowded bus, I wait patiently for the one that I can see at the stop light.
Once on the bus, I usually just relax. If I've got a seat and a book, I read. Otherwise I just listen to my MP3 player like most of the other bus riders. It takes about 10 minutes to get from the east side over to the west. This includes a short drive through Central Park. I'm looking forward to this part of my commute now that the leaves are beginning to change.
When I get to Broadway, I have to transfer to the subway. This is my least favorite part of my commute. I hate walking down into the subway. I have to crowd with everyone else while avoiding the newsboys who are trying to thrust a paper into my hands. Inevitably the platform will be crowded with people waiting. If it isn't, I know that I've just missed the train. For some reason, the train always seems to take FOREVER. I begin to get really antsy after two express trains will come, dumping more people to wait for the local train along with me. It was especially awful during the summer when there was no airflow and a throng of people waiting on a limited space of platform. On those days, I would wonder why I even bothered doing my hair or make-up. I'd just be a sweaty mess by the time my commute was over.
Once I'm on the train, which sometimes is so crowded I can't even reach a bar to keep my balance, but it doesn't matter because I'm so sandwiched among my fellow train riders that I'm not going anywhere, I only have to go three stops. On days when the train part is either hot or crowded or both, I'm always EXTREMELY relieved to exit to the fresh air. It's sad when I'm able to cool off on the walk 4 blocks down to work.
I can't say I completely escaped a life filled with stairs. My commute back home is simply the opposite of my mornings. So I face walking up stairs at the end of my day. Maybe my commute isn't easier after all.

dreams: revelations about yourself?

2007-09-16T13:55:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago, I had a dream that made me wonder if my subconscious was offering revelations of my true feelings and desires. (Commentary on the dream is italicized.)

It started the night before my sister's wedding. I was supposed to be at the rehearsal dinner, but I hadn't brought a dress to wear. This meant I was desperately searching through my sister's closet for something to wear. This is a very real possibility. My sister was pretty mad that I was running late and once again had to borrow something to wear from her. If that wasn't bad enough, the next night- the actual wedding- I couldn't find my bridesmaid dress. I think I'm worried about being her maid of honor. She's my sister and this is her wedding. It should be perfect. Unfortunately, I am not a wedding person. Am I going to be a good maid of honor?
Apparently, my sister's wedding prompted me to begin thinking about my own future. I realized that my younger sister was getting married. Maybe my time is running out to meet someone- so I decided I should get married.
I called an ex-boyfriend. After all, at one point we had been in love. We were compatible. I decided I would just marry him. He showed up, and we began making the wedding preparations. Given that I'm not a wedding person, there wasn't much to do. Then on the day of the wedding, I realized that I couldn't marry this person. I really did like him and we were compatible. That was the problem- it was all in the past. I am not still in love with this person, and I seriously doubt we'd have very much in common now. A few hours before the wedding, I realized that I was in love with someone else. I hadn't been honest about my feelings for this other guy, so I decided I had to tell him. I set out in search to find him. Once I did, I didn't exactly declare my love for him. Instead, I gave him a compatibility test to fill out. In the meantime, I canceled the wedding. After all, I wasn't in love with my ex-boyfriend.
I never found out the results of that compatibility test. I have a feeling I know what they would be. However, I didn't need to know if there was someone better to marry. The important thing was realizing that when I marry, I want it to be for love. But the compatibility test reveals that love isn't enough. I also want someone who is truly a good match for me. I want someone who meets the description of the previous post.

Maybe I'm totally over-analyzing this dream. But it was one of those dreams that seemed real at the time. It was a dream that has continued to make me think- about relationships, love, and marriage- all of which I know will happen in their own time.

my "type" of guy

2007-09-10T20:39:00.000-04:00

For a while I've been telling myself and others that when it comes to men, I don't have a type. In the last two years I've dated a business school student, law student, magazine editor, fireman, coast guard officer, golfer, hockey instructor, and a loaf. I've dated tall guys and guys not much taller than myself. Some have had dark hair, others light. Some with thick hair, others with none. Blue eyes, hazel, or brown. You get my point. There has been a wide and varied range of the types of guys I've dated. So I've believed I have no type. I believed this was to my advantage. If I have no type, then every guy has the potential to be my type. This gives me a lot more options, right?

It's recently occurred to me that I do have a type. One that goes deeper than jobs or physical characteristics. I have developed a pattern of dating guys who are unavailable or inconvenient. There are a number of factors that my account for the reason these guys end up being unavailable or inconvenient- work schedule, living location, non-committal, immaturity, or simply bad-timing. All this seems to indicate that my type has been the wrong type.

Actually, the truth is that it's not my type that's wrong, just the guys I'm choosing. If I was really being honest with myself, I do have a type. One that is actually good for me. My type of guy I want to date is one who makes me laugh, but also thinks I'm funny. He's cute, but it's his personality that makes him really cute. I can feel completely comfortable with him when we're doing absolutely nothing at all. He can be serious and insightful, but also silly and carefree. He's close to his family, yet independent and adventurous. He appreciates me for me- in spite of (or because of) all my quirky traits.

I'm not saying that all or even any of the guys I recently dated have had the good qualities that are my type. So can I find a guy who is all of these things? Yes. The problem is that sometimes my good type of guy ends up being my wrong type, too- unavailable or inconvenient.
This is worse than dating the wrong guys. Trust me. It sucks.

on being a good friend...

2007-09-05T21:19:00.000-04:00

Dr. Meredith Grey : "At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Why is that when people tell us "I need space" we actually believe them? Is that being a good friend? It seems to me that good friends are the ones who do invade your personal space. They are the ones who simply sit with you when don't feel like talking. They are the ones who listen when you do. They are the ones who refuse to give up on you even when you feel like giving up on yourself. The truth is that I know I've chosen people in my life who I plan to stick close by. I have inevitably hurt these same people I care about at one time or another. But these are the people whose personal space I invade- either figuratively or literally.
I know this all from experience. I have had people in my life who have called me on my own bull. I have had people who have invaded my personal space ignoring my protests that "I'm fine" and "I just need some space." Good friends don't abandon you just because you give them an out.

I'm just saying...

Last Weekend: Guest in the City

2007-09-02T16:05:00.000-04:00

Thursday
Last week my former roommate came to visit me. Even though we no longer live together, I still think of her as my roommate. So for this story, I will refer to her as my roommate. She arrived in NYC Thursday night, just in time for our ritual of wine, popcorn, and Grey's Anatomy. (I'm going to miss that ritual when the new season starts.)

Friday: Part I
I took off work on Friday to play hooky. After a slow start on Friday morning spent drinking coffee and watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD, we finally headed out of my apartment. We took the subway downtown to City Hall. The plan was simple- we were going to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. Nearly two years of being in the city and neither of us had walked the Brooklyn Bridge. When we still lived together, we would talk about going to do this New York activity. Then we'd decide to be lazy and just watch TV at home. So this time we made no excuses.
If you come to New York, I recommend walking the Brooklyn Bridge. Not only is it great exercise, it also provides some amazing views of the City skyline, the harbor, Statue of Liberty, and Brooklyn. Plus, when you get to Brooklyn, you can find some of the best pizza this city has to offer. (I still don't think it is the best. John's Pizza near Times Square remains the winner for me.) However, after the long walk over the bridge and the wait in the line for this pizza place, the pizza tasted pretty amazing.
Walking back across the Brooklyn Bridge to Manhattan made me feel a little better about all the pizza I just ate. And I had great views of the skyline the entire walk. By the time we were back to the subway, it was time to head back to my apartment to get ready for happy hour. There would be no Nacho's, but I needed my roommate to confirm a place I've found as the new Nacho's.

Friday- Part II
When we arrived at the new Nacho's, I knew it was going to be a good night. Standing at the bar was a group of NYC Firemen. I can't help. I love firemen. So I walked right up to the bar and asked if they minded if I stood there to order. If you've read my blog, you know where this is going. My roommate and I ended up chatting with these firemen, "New York's Hottest." It was a very good happy hour- frozen margaritas, cute bartenders, and hot firemen. After happy hour, we headed to the "gold coast"- a strip of bars on the upper west side that was given it's name by a friend who says you can always find a good time here. We arrived at the gold coast, bringing along one of the firemen. We ended up partying with my roommate's former work friends. Sadly the fireman had to leave to head back to Long Island. I gave him my number, but he never called. Oh well. His loss.

It was still a very fun Friday. It was filled with all of my favorite things: Grey's Anatomy, coffee, New York City moments, frozen margaritas, cheap beer, cute bartenders, hot fireman, good friends and fun times.

who says you can't go home?

2007-08-22T22:02:00.000-04:00

I started this blog over a month ago after a recent trip to Texas. Maybe I didn't actually start typing it back then, but I was definitely writing it in my head. I think maybe it's better that I didn't post anything at the time. I've had time to think and reflect. And after a month, I still feel compelled to write. To be honest. Maybe, if nothing else, be honest to myself. To accept the consequences of my decision.
When I moved to New York City, I knew I would have to make sacrifices. Some were superficial, such as the selling of my car. Others were emotional, such as moving out of the first apartment I lived in alone- the place I called my home- filled with many memories. But what I had not considered was the life I would have to sacrifice.
My life was filled with many wonderful friends. On any given night I would find myself in the company of one or many of these people. It was nice. It was comfortable. From weekly dollar beer nights to random trips, these friends made life great.
So why would I leave this life filled with so many great friends? I don't know. It was probably restlessness. All I really know is that in spite of all the happiness these people provided in my life, I was not happy. So I moved to New York City. And instantly, I knew this is my life.
But is that really life? A city? Shouldn't life be about the people in our lives who make our lives better? Maybe that's one great thing about family. They aren't circumstantial. Family will always be a part of your life regardless of where you live. They have to be.
But friends... friends are a different story. Over the years, I have learned that friends, unfortunately, often are circumstantial. I no longer know the people I called friends in elementary school or middle school or high school. Even my college roommates and I have lost contact, thus ending our friendships.
This is not to say I do not have friendships remaining from those various milestones of my life. I am still best friends with the childhood neighbors I met first when I was two, then another when I was eight. Ten-plus years later, I am still great friends with the guy I met on the school bus my freshman year of high school. And I continue to share a special friendship with the girl who lived next door to me in the dorm freshman year. Then there are the handful of post-college friends who have also made it on the "friends for life" list.
So I why am I so surprised by my last trip home? Since moving to New York, anytime I went home I felt like I was welcomed home with open arms. Of course, this includes my family. But if you've met my family, you would know we are all about hugs and unconditional love (even for the liberal who moved to a Yankee state), and it would not surprise you that I can go home as if I never left. What was surprising was how easily I could slide back into my group of friends, talking with them as if I still saw them every few days. In a way, being with my friends was part of my whole idea of being "home." Because for two years, they were the family I had created for myself. (If you've ever watched Sex and the City, this will make sense.) I always loved planning my trips to make sure it would include quality time with these people. Trust me- karaoke counts as "quality time."
I first began to notice the change at Christmas/New Year's. I found myself suddenly aware that life had gone on without me. People moved on with their lives- starting new jobs, new relationships, new life chapters, new attitudes. They told jokes I did not understand. They told stories that made no sense, including names of people I did not know. People who had become part of the group, perhaps taking the space I had left. I also noticed that other people were now left out of the group.
However, it was not until this last trip home that I knew. I'm no longer part of that life. I had to sacrifice that life when I moved to New York. My email announcing my plan to return to Texas to visit only seemed to underscore the fact that I had left in the first place. What did I expect? Did I expect them to welcome me home with open arms? Probably. After all, that is what my family does. Then we spend time together, and it feels so comfortable I feel like I never really left at all.
When I saw my friends this last time, I did not feel welcomed back. Instead I felt like an outsider. I felt like I was crashing a party in which I was not a guest. Perhaps because, to some extent, this was the case. I had not been invited to the party. I had merely been informed it was happening. It was the reason I was told no one responded to me with the open arms I had hoped to find. So I went to this party, and I watched and observed. It was almost as if I was a foreigner among them. The special language they shared. The inside jokes. I was not and could not be a part of it. I made my choice. I made my sacrifice.
I still love those friends. I love what they meant to me in a time when I was unhappy with every other part of my life. I love the support they offered to me when I made my decision to move to New York. Maybe there will be a few who will continue to be one of those unique and truly special people who transcend circumstances and offer a friendship that has no limits or conditions. But I don't expect to be a part of the group again. I can't be.
I have no regrets, and I place no blame. It's just that sometimes life goes on. And I wasn't there to be a part of that life...

a productive Sunday

2007-08-19T18:55:00.000-04:00

When I went to bed last night, I knew there was only one thing I wanted to accomplish in the morning- clean my apartment. Not only did I want to put away my collection of shoes that were gathered on the floor (I'm sure that wouldn't surprise anyone who has ever lived with me), but I wanted to actually clean. I'm talking scrubbing the tub, dusting my furniture, clearing away all the clutter.
When I woke up this morning, I made a large pot of coffee, put on some music, and set to achieving my goal. In between my coffee breaks, I scrubbed down my tiny bathroom. Then I cleaned every surface in my tiny kitchen. Once I had removed the clutter (and shoes) in my living room/bedroom, I wiped away the dust. Then after a very long break, I swept the floors.
I feel accomplished.

Here is my clean, tiny apartment:

This is my studio: bedroom/living room. The "bedroom" part is the black bed on the left. The "living room" part is the new IKEA love seat and coffee table on the right.

The fireplace was a selling point... even if it doesn't work. It makes the place look and feel cozy.

This is the entire kitchen: sink on the left, fridge and stove on the right. Everything else crowded on the shelf.

These closets are the reason I took the place. The door on the left is my "storage" closet and at the end of the hall is my "walk-in" closet.

my lazy Saturday

2007-08-18T19:23:00.000-04:00

I love lazy Saturdays. After a long work week, it's nice to spend the day doing nothing other than relaxing. Here's a typical lazy Saturday:

Sleep late.

Today I got up around noon.

Reluctantly get out of bed.

It's pretty tempting to lay there all day.

Make 1/2 pot of coffee to drink for the next 2 hours.

I enjoyed Amaretto coffee today since I had time to drink multiple cups.

Eat some breakfast... or lunch. Whatever.

I usually eat a little throughout the day.

Watch some cheesy TV/movies.

After Girls Next Door, I admit I found myself watching High School Musical.

Attempt to do something productive.

I went to CVS to buy some cards. I also washed my dishes.

Eat some sort of lunch or dinner. Again, whatever.

I made a veggie omlette since I didn't have that for my first meal.

Continue watching cheesy TV while playing around on the computer.

Flipping channels is a pretty good way to spend my day.

Relax throughout the evening with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn.

I've got the glass of wine, but I still have to make the popcorn.

Life in New York can often been busy and hectic. So relaxing at home creates a nice balance. But there is the problem of feeling like I've wasted my day. After all, today was a beautiful, sunny 76 degree day. And I spent it sitting on my new loveseat indoors doing nothing. I could have gone to one of the many parks in this city. Or walked around exploring new areas of the city I haven't seen. Oh well. It was a good day.

I'll try to do something more interesting/productive tomorrow...

"The Disposable City": Dating in New York

2007-08-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

I'm currently not dating anyone. I'm okay with this. It has been suggested by two close friends that perhaps I should take a break from dating for a while. When I mentioned this to another friend, she said that this is terrible advice. In fact, she has suggested I should be dating more guys. As she describes dating life in New York City, it is a "disposable city." This has been her reasoning for why I shouldn't let it bother me when guys stop calling. Likewise it is her explanation for why I should date lots of guys, not worrying about where the relationship might be going because if it doesn't work I can always find someone new.
She has a point. Since the end of December, I've consecutively dated 4 guys in a row with no breaks between each. All ended the same way- the guy just stopped calling me. For the most part, I agreed it should end. But it really annoyed me that they would just decide not to call me again. I finally figured out why this bothers me- other than the fact that I really like some sort of closure. It doesn't bother me that they don't want to keep dating me (that's their loss, not mine). What bothers me is that I would never end a dating relationship this way- and I haven't. If I realize that for whatever reason that I don't want to continue dating guy, I don't just stop answering his calls. I tell him. It's respectful. I'm just saying...
So I'm not seeing the hockey coach anymore. He stopped calling. I saw him after that. He said he'd see me later, but I knew at that moment that I'd never hear from him again. Two weeks later, I haven't.
I haven't started dating a new guy yet. I was recently told that maybe I'm having a dry spell. It's only been 2 weeks since the hockey coach. I'd hardly call this a dry spell. This is just dating in New York. I have yet to find the next guy.
All I know is that it sure would be nice if the next one stuck around for awhile. I don't want to find myself on a ferry, looking at Manhattan and asking "How can an island that small hold all [my] ex-boyfriends?"

definitely not worth it

2007-07-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

I've already written about how dating sucks. So why bother? Well, I suppose because it gives me stories to tell. I'm a regular Carrie Bradshaw.
I was supposed to have a date with the guy who stood me up- the fireman. As I am clearly not on the date, there is a story.
The fireman stood me up on a Tuesday. When he finally called and asked if I would be willing to give him another chance, I agreed but told him I was leaving Saturday to go back to Texas. I told him I was coming back to New York the following Saturday. He said he would call me the Monday after I got back.
While I was home, I decided to call him. I was worried that maybe I hadn't acted sympathetic to the fact he stood me up for a funeral. I'm not one of those people who holds grudges or follows the rules of dating. He was surprised to hear from me and again said he would call when I was back.
After returning, Monday quickly came and went yet I did not hear from the fireman. By Saturday, I had officially given up on him. I spent the morning cleaning out my phone of all the guys who have failed to be more than someone I date for a short period of time- or even at all. Saturday afternoon as I was laying out in Central Park my phone rang. No name showed up. The guy on the phone said hi to me as if I should know who he was. It was the fireman. He asked if I was back from Texas, I informed him I had been back a week. He commented that if he had known that he would have called sooner. What? I told him when I was coming back. Do men simply choose not to listen? (I realize I am seriously stereotyping now.) I chose not to point out that I had told him when I would be back from Texas. He asked me if I wanted to go out with him on Wednesday so I agreed.
Not long after hanging up with the fireman, I remembered I had plans on Wednesday night. I was supposed to go to my book club. I decided I would call him the next day to see if we could reschedule to Tuesday. Then I continued enjoying the Central Park and deciding what to wear on my date that night with the hockey player.
I left a message for the fireman on Sunday to see about changing from Wednesday to Tuesday. I said if he couldn't change, then I thought we should keep our date for Wednesday. He finally returned my call on Tuesday. He was not available that night. But he encouraged me to keep my plans for Wednesday, and we rescheduled for the following Tuesday. As luck- bad luck- would happen, my book club was postponed to next week. I called the fireman to let him know my plans were cancelled and to see if he was still free on Wednesday. He was not. Although he said he would see if he could change his plans and call me back in an hour.
I have not heard from him since.
I've already dated a guy who would tell me he was going to call then I wouldn't hear from him. It drove me crazy and made me complain about it. I didn't like his behavior or mine. I haven't even been on the date with the fireman and already I want to complain about his behavior. This is not a good sign. So I've decided the fireman has definitely proven to not be worth it. But I know that I am.
Life is too short and the men too plentiful. Why should I wait around for this guy? I guess this leaves the hockey player and whichever guy I might meet next.
Hmm... I wonder if he still thinks we're going out next Tuesday?
Ugh, dating!
But at least it provides interesting stories...

bowling in the city

2007-07-18T09:34:00.001-04:00

Sunday night my friends and I decided to do something we've never done in New York. We went bowling. After meeting for drinks at my favorite outdoor restaurant, we headed downtown to the Chelsea Piers bowling alley. Now I've been bowling lots of times. Generally when you think of a bowling alley, you think of dumpy places filled with smoke, crass people, worn out shoes, run-down lanes that take forever to reset the pins, and pitchers of beer.
This bowling alley included none of these things. It was new and shiny and smoke-free. The 'concierge' took you to your lane, set it up, got nice bowling shoes and bowling balls, and sent over your waiter. The waiter then took your bar order. Yes, this bowling alley had a full bar, not just beer. The atmosphere was more like a dance club than a bowling alley. To sum it up, this bowling alley was fancy.
It's what you'd expect when bowling in New York. I can't wait to go back!

my proper date

2007-07-17T12:35:00.000-04:00

So I went out with the hockey player again. This time when he asked me out he said we should go on a 'proper date'- no hockey game, no hockey team. I agreed. Our date was Saturday night. It's been a while since I've had a date scheduled on a weekend. Actually, it's been a while since I've had a 'proper date.'
He picked me up. In New York, this means he took a cab up to my apartment to meet me. Then we hopped in a cab and went for drinks at one of my favorite spots in the city. It's an outdoor restaurant on the Hudson River. We drank, talked, and watched the sunset. Afterwards, we headed to dinner. He asked me if I had preference, then said he had a place in mind. Another cab ride downtown took us to the dinner restaurant. While we waited for our table out on the sidewalk, we sat at the bar drinking wine and sharing appetizers. Once at the table he asked me what I planned to order. I had decided on the chicken and grilled vegetables. He tried to talk me out of my choice saying it was too boring. Feeling like he was telling me not to order the chicken, I decided I was definitely ordering the chicken. When our meals arrived, he told me mine looked pretty good. After trying it, he agreed that I had made a good choice. In fact, he said it was really good. After dinner involved more drinks and conversation.
It was a good date. I'll likely be going out with him again.
But for now, my next scheduled date is tomorrow with the guy who stood me up. I'm giving him a second chance. I hope he's worth it.

my faux date

2007-06-28T19:15:00.000-04:00

Last night I went on a date. As far as first dates go, it was probably one of my weirdest. Although not my worst. My worst date was the one I wanted to end 10 minutes after I met him. No, this date wasn't bad. Just weird. And questionable as to whether it actually was a date.
He invited me to go to his hockey game. The guy who couldn't give me a relationship who I dated for over a month never once invited me to one of his hockey games. And we dated over a month. Inviting a girl to your hockey game seems like something you do after dating a month. Not a first date.
After the hockey game, my date and I went out for drinks. With the entire team. That was a first. Me, on a date, with 10 other guys. I had fun. How could I not? But there was none of the usual first date conversation. You know, two people exchanging their life histories wondering when they should start opening up the relationship history vault. No, I engaged in conversations with various guys at various times throughout the evening.
I guess because it wasn't a first date. It was a faux date.
So in the end, I decided I had a good time on my date. Or whatever it was.

waiting sucks

2007-06-27T19:35:00.000-04:00

Tonight I realized that I hate waiting on people to show up. Last night it was my date. Tonight it is the A/C installer. He was supposed to be here at 6pm. At 6:45 I called to find out where he was. I was told that he had left with the tools. Given that it is suffocatingly hot due to the humidity, I was pretty aggressive. I asked if there was someone else who could come install the A/C. I was told to wait until 7pm. If he still wasn't here, call back. 7 came and went and still no guy to install the A/C. So now I'm waiting on the new guy to show up. He assured me he would be here before 8pm.
I hope so. I hate waiting.
Plus I have a date.
What?
Dating still sucks, but that won't stop me.

dating sucks

2007-06-26T20:06:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday, the guy I have been dating since May gave me the "I can't give you a serious relationship" talk. Um, ok. I didn't ask you for a serious relationship. He assured me he still wants to date me, but I'm free to date other people. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. I'm not sure I will be seeing him again.
Ironically the very next night I met a guy who asked me if I had a boyfriend. I responded with not really. He asked for my number. He called me on Saturday and asked me out for tonight.
I'd like to point out that it is 8:10, and I'm blogging. I called him over an hour and a half ago, and he said would call me back. I can't believe I've been stood up.
I am reminded of several Sex and the City moments. For example, Miranda got stood up. When she called her no-show date, she learned he had died of a heart attack. I'm not saying I'm hoping this guy died or even suffered serious injury, but I don't want to believe I've been stood up. I'm also reminded of Carrie dating that guy from her therapist's office. She learns that his problem is he can't commit to women, and her problem is she dates unavailable men. I can relate.
So in conclusion, dating sucks.

update: My date finally called. He was at a funeral all day.
Dating still sucks. But I'm going to give him a second chance and let him make it up to me...

the chair

2007-06-14T21:54:00.000-04:00

While I'm a little bit nervous to blog about work after a friend and fellow blogger recently discovered her bosses found her blog, some stories have to be told.
To set the scene: I work in an office that has expanded in personnel, but lacks the space for all of us. I currently spend my day in a portion of the office nicknamed "the bunker" where I work intimately (due to proximity) with 3 co-workers and 1 slightly neurotic boss. (Really, I'm hoping she does not discover this blog..)
Yesterday my boss realized her assistant doesn't have an "office" chair. You know, a chair that most offices have with a tall back to provide support, armrests, adjustable heights, and wheels. The truth is she does have an "office" chair, but I am using it. I'm the one with out an "office" chair. In fact, I'm without a desk or proper workspace. For almost 3 months, I had no chair, no desk, no computer, and no phone. Finally my laptop computer was ordered and delivered, and not long after I had my phone extension installed on a co-worker's phone. Trust me, this was progress. It was progress I made after 3 months of asking about a work space, trusting my computer had been ordered, and wondering where we would put my phone. All of this was by my own initiative and inquiry.
Now after being there for over 4 months, I've established some sort of workspace with my laptop, borrowed phone, and half desk. For a while as I worked in my area, I sat on a barrel chair with a wooden back. After a few weeks, my back started aching. That's when JW offered to let me use her chair. She assured me she didn't mind. I'm not sure I believed her, but I accepted the chair. This was several weeks ago.
Then yesterday my boss notices that JW doesn't have her chair. With everything going on, I'm not quite sure why she chose this fight. She demanded to know where JW's chair went. JW explained that I have her chair. Now it's not as if my boss can ask where my chair is. I don't have a chair. I've never had a chair. I STILL DON'T HAVE A DESK. I'm sitting at the half table covered with my boxes of files that I have no where to put. Sorry, that was a tangent.
There was at one time an extra "office" chair in the bunker. Then one day much like any other day someone came into the bunker seeking an extra chair to roll into the big boss' office for a meeting. It was never seen again. In fact, we didn't really give much thought to it again. Until yesterday.
For some reason my boss decided to freak out that JW doesn't have her chair. She told JW to send an email to the ENTIRE staff to find out who has her chair. Well, technically to find out who has the extra chair since I have her chair. This morning her tirade about the chair continued. She went to the office manager to demand that she find out where the chair is. Trust me, the office manager was not very happy about this request. She is swamped with work and doesn't have time to be tracking down some chair.
In the meantime, she offered JW the account coordinator's chair. Then she called our upstairs office and asked our web designer to return the chair- even though he doesn't have a chair either. As he was rolling the chair into the bunker, the account coordinator came into the office. I started laughing when I heard the account coordinator ask, "Where is my chair?"
Really, the amount of time spent on this whole chair issue was pretty ridiculous. With the long list of high priority issues we all have to deal with, I'm not sure how the chair ended up at the top.

where everybody knows my name

2007-06-11T21:45:00.000-04:00

When I moved to New York City in Fall 2005, it didn't take me long to establish my regular happy hour place. In the same way that I went to Two Rows in Dallas every Wednesday for nearly 2 years, you could find me at Nacho's Kitchen (also known as Nacho Mama's) every Friday for nearly 2 years. Each week my roommate and I would gather friends to meet us for cheap margaritas and beers. Some days it would be just of the two of us. I'll even admit that a few times last summer, I went there by myself. But with each passing week, I grew to know the bartenders. Each time a new one appeared behind the bar, I made sure they knew my name, my drink, and my tab.
Over the course of time, I met other "regulars." Even the owner knew me and would indulge my special requests such as shutting off the fans or changing the TV channel.
I was a loyal customer. It paid off. There were many nights when I would get the tab and realize that the bartenders had really taken care of me. Sometimes it was giving me happy hour prices all night or leaving off a drink or two or four. I loved going there. If you visited me in New York, then I probably took you to Nacho's. You can't deny, they made an excellent frozen margarita.
I met my friend Julie for drinks on Thursday before our book club. I, of course, suggested we go to Nacho's. Surprisingly I hadn't been there the week before. The bartender asked where I had been. He then proceeded to tell me that Nacho's was closing on Sunday. I asked why it would be closed on Sunday. He corrected me- not closed on Sunday, closing on Sunday. Forever.
What?
Turns out, Nacho's has been sold and will be an organic restaurant. I'm pretty sure they don't sell margaritas in organic restaurants. So now what am I supposed to do?
I went back to Nacho's Friday night and before I even sat at the bar, there was a margarita in front of me. That is what I'm going to miss. Nacho's was to me what Cheers was to Norm. It was a place for me to stop by and have drinks with friends. It was my place. I didn't even take guys I dated there unless I knew that it was starting to get serious. They were my people.
I'm going to miss my people and my place. I guess I'll just have to find a new place with new people. Preferably on the upper east side... with cheap margaritas and beer. And where everybody knows my name...

movin' on up

2007-05-31T20:40:00.000-04:00

I moved on Saturday. To the east side. The Upper East Side. I never thought I was the "Upper East Side" type of person. In my mind the Upper East Side was boring and conservative and full of women who wear pearls to brunch.
In April I decided I to break my lease at my current apartment. Since moving in, life at Jerome had never been boring. The first morning we were there we experienced our first bout of cold water. Unfortunately, cold showers were not limited to this one morning. Rather we experienced a lack of hot water several days every month we were there. In the winter, the lack of hot water was coupled with a lack of heat. While we liked our apartment, we hated the building. There were also the three great floods, each resulting with crashing ceilings and damage to the apartment as well as our personal items.
Although we were the minority in our building and even our neighborhood, we never felt unsafe. However, as the year went by more and more loiterers began hanging out in the lobby of the building which happened to be right outside our door. The noise was often very disturbing. Not only did this group of teenagers feel the hallway was a good place to smoke cigarettes, play craps, and makeout with each other, a few felt the hallway was actually a toilet. The smell of urine reeked each time we stepped out of our door.
Many complaints were made to the super, the landlord and the city. We were never able to reach the first two and the third was merely to provide us with a paper trail of the problems.
So in April, as we experienced no hot water for the umpteenth time we finally decided to call it quits. My roommate was planning to move out of the city for the summer. I had the choice to stay and find someone to sublet or move. The choice was easy.
I wrote a letter to the landlord documenting the reasons we were breaking our lease and moving out. I was confident the landlord would allow us to break the lease. I included over 10 letters we received from the city documenting our complaints as well as photos of the ceiling cave-ins. I sent the letter via fax and certified mail. I was not surprised when I received a call a few days later saying we could break the lease. I was surprised when he offered to apply the security deposit to the last month rent and adjust the $700 we withheld from several months of rent (due to the no hot water situation) to a $0 balance.
Unlike the first time I looked for an apartment in NYC on my own, this time I decided to use a broker. When I saw the second apartment, I decided to take it. It is a studio apartment that was $5 under my maximum rent range. It is located a few stops from the 96 crosstown bus to take me to the Upper West Side for work. Given that most of my friends currently live on the East Side, I was eager to move closer to them.
The move took nearly 5 hours. I was glad I hired movers. Especially since I live on the 5th floor of a walk-up. The tip I planned to give them increased with each trip they took up the stairs. I was glad they were young guys, otherwise I thought one of them might have had a heart attack.
So far I like my new neighborhood. It is quiet, yet interesting. There are lots of restaurants within walking distance. I'm less than 1 block from the subway and the crosstown bus. I've decided the Upper East Side isn't at all boring.
And I'm enjoying my hot showers and supers who actually return calls.
This is a picture of the final crash in the bathroom that often lacked hot water at Jerome Apartments.

pomp and circumstance in the city

2007-05-16T19:27:00.000-04:00

It's official. Today I graduated from an Ivy League school, receiving my Master's Degree from the #1 Graduate School of Education in the United States.
My parents came in town for the graduation festivities this past Saturday. My dad, a true Texan, said he had no desire to come to New York. So I told him I was planning to walk, and I wanted them there. For me, it was a great weekend. We had dinner at the Rainbow Room overlooking downtown Manhattan, the Statue of Liberty and even Staten Island and New Jersey. We saw a Broadway show. We went to the Natural History Museum. We went to a "Texas" bar. We celebrated my graduation by eating lunch at Tavern on the Green.
But the best part of the week, was having my mom and my dad in the audience at last night's convocation and this morning's graduation ceremony. Sure, it was hot and crowded. But I'm glad I decided to walk, and I'm glad they could be there.
I just wonder if I'm going to have to pursue my PhD so my dad comes back to New York to see me...
i am cam, MA

fearing the 1%

2007-05-03T14:15:00.001-04:00

Exactly one month ago, I went to the doctor. As I was leaving, she said to me "Nothing personal, but I hope I don't talk to you for a year. I'll only call if there is something wrong with your test results."
She called me a two weeks later.
There are certain words you don't want your doctor saying to you. Words such as abnormal and biopsy, and anything ending with "oscopy" are among the many. That's why when my doctor called me and used such words, I freaked out a little. I heeded the assurances of friends and family that everything was going to be fine. They know others who've gotten such news, and it turned out fine. I was 99% sure they were right, and I would be fine. It was the 1% of doubt that scared the bejezus out of me.
I went to back to the doctor last Tuesday and had my "oscopy" to biopsy the abnormal cells. Then I waited for the news. During the next few days, I experienced a time of reflection. What if it was the 1%? Would I have to go through this alone? Sure, I've got my friends and family in Texas, but who would be that significant person to be there for me in the here and now?
On Friday, my doctor called me. I'm fine.

missing the pockets but not the coat

2007-04-23T21:12:00.000-04:00

It's finally spring. As recently as last week, I was wearing long pants, a sweater and my winter coat. New York was flooded with rain at the beginning of the week. Coupled with the still cold weather, it was pretty miserable and depressing. Then on Friday, I walked to work carrying my fleece jacket in my hand. It was a sunny, warm day. Luckily this good weather continued throughout the weekend when I could actually enjoy it. Like other New Yorkers, I felt the cold depression of winter might actually fade away.
My roommate and I went shopping on Saturday, and while she was at work I continued walking around outside. Saturday night we went out to a place with a terrace. Not only was it a nice change to be outside, but also not holding a bulky coat the whole time. We weren't the only ones who went out with the intention of being outside. The terrace was packed with people ready to enjoy the warm Spring weather.
Sunday was spent laying out at the Great Lawn in Central Park. Which means when I wore my skirt and short sleeves to work today, I had a nice tan to show off.
I do not miss wearing my winter coat. But I do miss the pockets. I usually kept my subway metro card and work ID in the pocket for easy access. Now I have to pull out my wallet to retrieve the needed card. But I'm not complaining.
I can't wait to wear a skirt and sandals to work again tomorrow!

and I'm also Carrie

2007-04-18T21:13:00.000-04:00

Last night I was watching another re-run of Sex and the City. Carrie's dating Big and thinks the relationship is great... only to find out he's still seeing other people. He can't understand what she is so upset about. Then she explains to him that she's done the merry-go-round, the revolving door. She is looking for someone to just stand still with her. Standing in a park in New York City at 3am, she asks Mr. Big if he wants to "stand still" with her.
That's how I feel. My dating life in New York has very much been a merry-go-round. I have actually been thinking about this exact metaphor for the past few weeks. So why do I keep meeting guys who aren't ready to stand still with me? Maybe (to continue this metaphor) it is because I don't want to be standing alone. I'd rather have the merry-go-round, than find myself standing alone.
Cue the music for another time around...

it's just not right

2007-04-11T21:23:00.000-04:00

It snowed here on Easter. There we were enjoying our Easter brunch at my roommate's sister's upper eastside apartment. We look out the window and what do we see? Well, a half naked man- the bottom half- standing at his window smoking a cigarette. But also snow. On Easter.
On the bus ride home the door opened and snow flurries swirled around us. My roommate says "It's snowing in the bus." My response, "It's just not right."
Easter should equal spring. And spring does not equal snow.
Apparently New York wasn't the only place getting snow on Easter. It snowed in Texas, too. Now that really isn't right.
Of course, neither is the "ugly, naked guy" who lives across the way from my roommate's sister and who rather enjoyed the fact we were all staring in horror.

accepting my inner charlotte

2007-04-07T22:36:00.001-04:00

I turned 28 this week. Another year older and inevitably I've faced a period of reflection in my life. At 18, my future looked very different from my reality now. If my 18 year old self met my 28 year old self, the two would have very little in common. What happened to the girl who planned to be married and start a family by age 26 or 26?
I opened myself up to all the possibilities life has to offer. I learned to take risks and abandon regrets. I discovered a passion for experiencing new things and stepping beyond what is comfortable and familiar. I uncovered a confidence that has allowed me to do all of these things.
And so, at 28 I am a single woman living in New York City. As the women of Sex and the City taught us, you can be single and fabulous as long as you have good friends. The past year and half in the city, I've tapped into a Samantha side I never knew I had. I've realized that there are lots of interesting men in this city. I can date them, but I don't need them to make me happy or complete me. I maintain my independence.
My approach to the New York dating scene has lacked the cynicism of Miranda, but fostered the reflectiveness of Carrie. With each guy I meet and date, I find myself wondering what I really want. Is there some remaining trace of my 18 year old self? Some part of me that wants to eventually get married and start my own family?
I don't know the answer. I do know that lately I've been wanting a relationship to last longer than a month or two. I'm disappointed my relationship with the last guy ended. I really liked him, and I thought I might actually get a break from the dating scene. Instead, I'm back out there looking for a guy who realizes I am pretty fabulous. As Charlotte said, "I'm exhausted. Where is he?"

never a bride, finally a bridesmaid

2007-04-01T19:07:00.000-04:00

Many women my age often find themselves living proof of the saying "always a bridesmaid, never a bride." Not me. I've only been a bridesmaid once and that was at least 10 years ago. For whatever reason, very few of my close friends are married. The last two weddings I attended were actually friends of my sister. It's my sister who has a rainbow of bridesmaid gowns hanging in her closet. Last year she attended at least 8 weddings. As she watched many of her friends walked down the aisle, she wondered if she might be "always a bridesmaid, never a bride."
Last Friday, she got her answer as she answered his question. In December, my sister- my younger sister- will walk down the aisle in her one of a kind white dress. She will finally be the bride. And because I am her sister, I will finally be a bridesmaid. In fact, I will be her maid of honor. I will have the important task of tending to my sister's needs. And even more importantly, planning the bachelorette party. Vegas, baby!
I'm excited for my sister and my soon to be brother-in-law. It's going to be a crazy road to the altar. For the first time, I almost wish I lived in Texas so I could be more involved in it all. Almost...

seems I'm MacGiver

2007-03-19T22:58:00.001-04:00

The remote to my DVD player stopped working. I tried putting new batteries in the remote, but it still wouldn't work. Yeterday my roommate and I were watching a movie. I had put the DVD in the player while we finished making dinner. I figured it would go to the main menu then I could press play. Instead, it started playing the movie. I needed the remote to restart the movie. It wouldn't work. I tried taking the movie out of the player, but the stupid DVD player remembered where it had stopped and picked up from there. So my roommate had to miss the first 10 minutes of the movie. After we finished the movie, I decided to "fix" the remote. I used to be a science teacher. I taught a unit on batteries. I knew there was a missing part from the remote. The circuit in the remote wasn't complete. First I tried a paper clip. It was too big. Then I found a washer that fit perfectly. The circuit was complete and the remote worked! Sure, I couldn't put the back over the batteries, but at least the remote works. My "fix" would make MacGiver proud.

my chance to walk down the aisle

2007-03-19T22:45:00.001-04:00

No, I'm not getting married. But I did get to walk down the aisle. Two weekends ago I went to Austin for the wedding of a longtime friend. The bride is my best friend's sister and my sister's best friend. When we were young, the four of us were back and forth between our neighboring houses. Hours were spent playing with barbies, watching movies, and making macaroni and cheese. But as we grew older, our ages and sisterly rivalries divided us into the "older sisters" and "younger sisters." The years passed and after college, we began to make time for the four of us to hang out. Too old for playing with barbies, we instead made time for drinking wine, watching movies, going to dinner, and telling secrets.
Given the unique and special bond between us, I was honored when the bride asked me to be in her house party. My duties extended beyond standing next to the guest book. I also had to walk down the aisle on the night of the rehersal. I was asked to be the bride's proxy. I said yes. Then I said, "what is a proxy?" I'm pretty sure it is a southern thing. I was told that the bride-to-be shouldn't walk down the aisle until the actually wedding. So the proxy is the person who walks down the aisle during the rehersal in place of the bride.
So I had my chance to walk down the aisle. No one said it, but I couldn't help if anyone (other than me) was thinking it. It might be the only time I actually walk down the aisle. No, this isn't some "poor me, I'm not married and I might not ever get married" post. As I walked down the aisle with the bride's dad, he asked me if I thought I would be walking down the aisle (aka getting married) soon. I told him no. Even though I was dating someone at the time, we hadn't even gotten to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I couldn't even fathom "I do... forever."
The aisle wasn't that long, but conversation continued long after I reached the altar. I'm turning 28 in two weeks. My life is not at all where I thought I would be 10 years ago. And that's a good thing. By not getting married out of college, I was free to move overseas. By not having children, I have been free to pursue a life that is carefree and open to possibilities. But how much longer do I want the single life? After all, marriage and kids are a whole different adventure.
I'm not saying I'm in a hurry to get married. I think maybe I'm just saying I'm finally at a point where I'm open to the possibility. But I don't see it happening anytime soon.
p.s. I'm not sure why, but the wedding made me cry.

I bored with this "vacation"

2007-02-28T17:04:00.001-05:00

I've been in my hotel room since 12:30. I missed out on the afternoon session of my conference because there were some work issues I needed to address. I've been sending and checking email and using up lots of my cell phone minutes. If I don't call anyone for the rest of the month, you'll know why.
This is not a vacation.
I was lucky to have a friend visit me Friday night through Sunday morning. Then I have the opportunity to interact with people at the conference. However, I still don't really know anyone. I've eaten a lot of meals by myself. I'm trying not to let it bother me. But I miss people. I miss people who know me and want to talk to me. Usually when I travel, I go with these people.
This is not a vacation.
There is a lot of "drama" going on with my job. I'm stressed about being gone. I feel it necessary to think about work while I am here. After all, they are paying for this trip. I am anticipating all of the chaos I face when I return to work on Friday, and it stresses me out.
This is not a vacation.

I need a vacation. A real vacation. Just 61 more days to go...

I'm on "vacation" this week

2007-02-26T20:17:00.001-05:00

Actually, I'm not really on vacation. I'm not even eligible for vacation time for another 63 days.
I'm in Baltimore this week. On business. Who knew I would end up in a job that would involve "business trips?" I certainly never anticipated being in such a position. Maybe that is why I was so eager to go when the prospect was first presented to me. After all, I love to travel. Being in grad school the past year and half severly limited my travels. So when my boss mentioned she and the big boss wanted to send me to Baltimore for a conference, I eagerly agreed to go. The best part? They are paying my expenses- hotel, travel, meals, taxis, etc. I can't remember the last time I was actually concerned about "getting a receipt."
I arrived in Baltimore Friday evening. My original plan was to have a certain guy I've been seeing meet me in Baltimore to do some sight-seeing. But when he cancelled due to his own work, I found it to be a serendipitous result. Even though I called on Thursday night, my friend who lives in DC was available to take the train up to hang out with me. I haven't seen her since August. We went out to dinner Friday night, then spent Saturday enjoying sight-seeing around Fell's Point and just doing some long overdue "catching up."
My conference started at 8:30am on Sunday morning. Since my office sent me here to do "fact-finding" and research (my office will be partnering to host the conference in 2008), I had to be there bright and early. I have to admit, even though it was early, I ws eager to attend. The conference topics are very much in line with my own interests. Also, working on Sunday means I'll be able to be off next Friday when I'm flying back to Texas for a wedding.
Today was Day 2 of the conference. I have a feeling by Day 5 I'll be ready to go back to NYC. Until then, I'm enjoying my mini-vacation. Like most people of my generation, I'm already discovering reasons to hate my job. So until I can take a real vacation, I'm going to pretend this is a vacation. And I suppose in a way it is. I'm not in the office. I'm staying in a hotel where I sleep in the middle of a King size bed that is made up for me every morning. I get to enjoy meals prepared by and paid by someone else. I'm exploring a new city. I'm listening to interesting presentations. Until I can take my European vacation, I suppose I'll take what I can get. After all, who am I to turn down a free trip?
I'm hoping the Carribean project my boss keeps mentioning actually happens. I am willing to make that trip for them...

today's epiphany

2007-02-21T21:39:00.000-05:00

I realized that lately I've been focused on quantity and in doing so I forgot that it is quality that really matters in the end.

I'm tempted to cheat on the one I love

2007-02-20T22:29:00.000-05:00

Delta has advertising posted in the subway that, in my opinion, is quite clever. The ads tell New Yorkers to "cheat on New York." The ads are for flights to Europe. You don't have to tell me twice. I love New York. I've written about New York as my true love. Yet, I am so ready to "cheat." I'm growing restless. I haven't been on a trip (other than Texas) since moving to New York.
This summer I'll finally have paid vacations for the first time since moving to the city I love. I'll also have the means for traveling again. While I might not be able to afford a long vacation (due to time and money constraints), I can hop a flight to Europe for a long weekend. This is just one more reason I love New York.
It is easy to cheat on the city I love...
I think I might see how much a flight to London or Paris will cost. Anyone want to join me in Europe this summer?

making choices and setting boundaries

2007-02-19T22:35:00.001-05:00

Today I awoke with the resolution that I was going to have a good day. In fact, I am determined to have a good week.
So I am making a conscious effort to focus on the positive, ignoring the negative. I am trusting what I know to be true and ignoring the doubts and fears that try to creep in and distract me. Wow... I just had a flashback to two years ago when I was facing these same thoughts in my counseling sessions. I guess it is a lesson that has to be learned over and over. Why is there a part of my psyche that tries to convince me to believe in the worst, believe that I am unworthy of happiness, believe if I take a risk and get hurt then I deserved it?

This morning I woke up full of hope. In spite of the cold temperature outside and the infrequency of hot water during my shower, I was optimistic about the day. I arrived at work prepared for the challenges I would face. The truth is, my job is full of a lot of negativity I must overcome each day. I knew this when I accepted the job. I was either desperate, naive, or optimstic to believe I could look past the negativity and suck out the positive. I like to think it's the last one. The irony is that while the environment is chaotic, tense, and negative, our boss keeps preaching about creating a relaxing, positive, "holistic" work environment. Little does she know, she is the reason our work environment is none of those things. I know I can't control her impact on my work situation, but I can control mine. I am focused on setting boundaries. I don't care that it is expected for me to work through my lunch break. I know I am more productive if I have had time to step back from my stress- and eat. I also don't care if other people arrive early and stay late. Sure, I know I must do this from time to time. Just this morning I got there 20 minutes early. But there is always work to be done whether I work an extra hour or not. I make myself leave. I go to the gym. I do all the things that my boss preaches but doesn't practice. I am setting boundaries. I do not check my work email at home unless I think it is necessary. It will be there in the morning. I can do it then- when I'm fresh, and I've got a hot mug of coffee to enjoy.

After the gym, I stopped by the grocery store. Last week I didn't take the effort to think about grocery shopping or even cooking dinner. I wasn't taking care of myself. Maybe it was the influence of reading papers all day about nutrition, but I was inspired to buy lots of healthy food and actually cook dinner for myself. When I got home, I poured myself a glass of wine, played some relaxing music, and sauteed my shrimp and spinach and mushrooms.

I've continued relaxing throughout the evening. I have been taking time for reflection. I have been trying to "center" myself as my supervisor likes to say. I put on the Lighthouse Family CD I bought while I was in Thailand. The whole CD just has an optimistic sound. Especially the song "Happy":
Hey, what's happened to our lives?
When did you and me, forget, how to have a good time?
you and I, gotta get back to the life
That we forgot cos we got too much on our minds

Hey we got to make some time
For the stuff that you can't buy
And get a life cos you know all tha serious stuff ain't no fun

Who says you can't, be happy, all the time?
I know, but I'm still gonna try

a new week, a better week

2007-02-18T20:40:00.001-05:00

Most people who know me would likely describe me as optimistic and upbeat. Sure, I have bad days, but I usually recover fairly quickly by focusing my attention towards something positive. I usually make it through each week by creating little things to look forward to throughout the week. For example, Tuesday is Roommie Night with wine and reruns of Sex and the City. Wednesday is LOST and "hump day" signally I'm half way to Friday. Thursday is Grey's Anatomy with wine and popcorn. And of course, there is happy hour at Nacho's each Friday. Usually these little things keep me positive and optimistic. I'm just little miss sunshine, with a Pollyana attitude.
This is why when I had a bad week, not just a bad day, people noticed. Last week was all around terrible. I was quiet and sullen. I cried a lot. I was too inwardly focused on my own thoughts to be available and in the moment with other people. I was "not myself."
When I woke up Saturday morning, I decided that I had let my emotions ruin my week but I would not ruin my weekend as well. It was on Saturday that I discovered the value in "retail therapy." I learned that I am, in fact, my mother's daughter. I'm not saying I learned to love shopping. But as I walked around H&M, and then Macy's, I was distracted from all that had been bothering me throughout the week. Instead I was looking for ways to treat myself, cheer myself up. After all, why should I let other people affect my mood?
This weekend was not what I had originally hoped it would be. But it still ended up being fun.
Today is the start of a new week. I'm back to my sunshiney self and believe that I just have to focus on the little things that make me happy rather than get mired down in the disappointments that are out of my control. Some of the things that bothered me last week still need to be resolved. But in the meantime, I plan to focus on the positive. Because my attitude is something I can control.

a true tall-tale by a very short girl

2007-02-15T22:57:00.000-05:00

It snowed on Wednesday. Even though it was very snowy, I did not get a Snow Day. I had to go to work. There was no Valentine's Day in my pajamas watching movies all day. I did drink coffee, but I do that every day. Given the cold temperature and the snow and slush that covered the ground, I took the bus to work. I took the cross-town bus to Broadway with no delays. When I got to Broadway, there were no uptown buses anywhere. Finally I started walking. Luckily, four blocks later I was able to hop on a bus. It took me 40 minutes to get to work yesterday morning. It takes me 20 minutes to walk.
This morning was our weekly staff meeting. I knew I had to be work by 9am. I left my apartment at 8:25am. 10 minutes before my usual time. I didn't see a bus, so I decided I should start walking. I could not be late to work. I walked one block. I still did not see my bus. So I continued walking. I stepped through snow banks, crossing the street and cautiously making my along the sidewalk towards the park. As I looked at the park covered with snow, I wondered if I could make it up the stairs without killing myself.
This park is unlike most of the others in New York City. From my side, looking up, the park resembles a fort. It's as if a barrier has been set up between Columbia and Harlem. I know I resent that barrier every morning when I must trek straight uphill, climbing 165 stairs.
This morning I really hated the stairs. Especially since they were covered in snow. As I was walking, I thought of the tall-tale my dad (like so many dads) used to tell about how "in his day he had to walk to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways." There I was. I was walking to work, in the snow, uphill. Sure, it wasn't both ways. But I was in a skirt and boots with 2 inch heels.
As I attempted my suicide mission, I envisioned myself falling down those stairs. I wondered who would find me shivering in the snow with broken bones. With each step I felt my boots slide somewhat unevenly as I stepped to the next stair. When I reached the final landing, I looked up at the last set of stairs. I wondered if I would successfully make it without falling. I slowly worked my way up the stairs, each step more uncertain and treacherous than the one before. Half way up, I saw a guy walking down the stairs fall and slide down 3 steps. I decided to trek through the higher snowbanks to be closer to the railing. By the time I reached the top, I was pulling myself up using the rails.
I'm not sure if I'm going to walk to work again tomorrow. But if I do, I think I'll go around the park and stay away from those deadly stairs.

thoughts on Valentine's Day

2007-02-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've got a mixed reaction to this manufactured holiday. While I don't hate the idea of a day where you do something special for the people you love, I am still strongly opinionated about not celebrating this holiday due to principle.
First of all, I don't like that this holiday discriminates against single people. Valentine's Day is undeniably a "couples holiday." You can't escape all the marketing that is aimed towards couples in love celebrating Valentine's Day. As a result, I have known too many women who suddenly find themselves depressed to be single because on this day they are left out of the celebration. For them, Valentine's Day is suddenly "Single Awareness Day." I cannot support any holiday that makes people feel bad about themselves. As a wise friend of mine once pointed out "One is a whole number." Why should single women be led to believe their lives aren't whole because they aren't in a relationship? I'm pretty sure most men don't feel this way on February 14th...
Secondly, the whole marketing blitz is targeted towards men. There is suddenly an increased pressure placed on them to create the "perfect" Valentine's Day for their girlfriend or wife. Trust me, I know that I have never felt this sort of pressure. But I'm also usually not in a relationship on this holiday (which inevitably takes me back to my first complaint.) So it seems to me, not only is Valentine's Day discriminatory, it is also inequitable. Women are set-up to expect a certain degree of romance from their men, and men are set-up to fall short of these expectations. That's why I prefer not to celebrate at all. Then I don't have expectations, and he doesn't have to worry about disappointing me.
I do not plan to celebrate Valentine's Day. I do not plan to protest Valentine's Day, either. I guess I'm just indifferent (while at the same time being highly opinionated.) Actually, I'm hoping we get a big snowstorm in NYC tomorrow. After all, my favorite Valentine's Day memory was the year we got snow in Texas, and I did nothing but drink coffee and watch movies in my pajamas all day.

funny sights on my way to work

2007-02-04T21:01:00.000-05:00

While walking to work on Wednesday, I passed a dog dressed for winter. Now I've seen dogs dressed in coats or sweaters. I never thought I would say it, but I think it is a good idea to give them the extra layer. However, I wasn't prepared to see a dog in boots. That's right. I saw a dog wearing little black boots in addition to it's coat. I didn't even know they made doggie boots. The best part was when this woman came up and said to the dog, "Hey there (insert name of the dog). I like your little boots." She said it as if it wasn't weird to see a dog wearing boots.
It was "Pup in Boots".
While walking to work on Thursday, I passed a turkey. That's right. I saw a turkey in New York City. It's not the first time I've seen this turkey. He (or she) lives in Morningside Park. It's still a funny sight, though. Who expects to see a turkey wandering around like it's supposed to be in New York City?
I suppose the title of this post should really be "funny animals on my way to work." All I know is that these little things in the morning make me smile. And that is always a good way to start my morning.

grey day

2007-02-01T14:05:00.000-05:00

While yesterday was sunny and happy, today is grey and melancholy.
My walk to work seemed somewhat gloomy with the grey sky and melted snow. I did pass a turkey in the park which at the very least is a funny anecdote. I had to be here before 9am since Thursdays are our weekly staff meetings.
I had my first "encounter" with my BIG boss. While I don't believe I did anything wrong, I knew better than to argue or justify my actions. I simply agreed to do what she asked. After being in this office for a while, I've learned the politics. I've also learned to accept the criticism (even if unjustified), then let it go.
I also continue to feel frustrated that I don't have a desk, computer, or phone. Now that I'm a full-time employee, these things are even more important. Yet, I'm not sure how long I'll have to practice this lesson in patience and flexibility.
Who knows? Maybe today will improve. The weather hasn't. Of course, it's only 2 o'clock. But even if today remains pretty much like it has been, at least I know it's Thursday- Grey's Day- which means, at the very least, I can still look forward to popcorn, wine, and quality time with my roommate watching Grey's Anatomy.

My Sunny Day

2007-02-01T13:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an all-around great day! There are some days when you wake up and you just know it is going to be a good day. That's how I felt yesterday. I woke up with minimal snooze button pushes by 7:15am. I showered, dressed and got ready. Then made my mushroom omelette for breakfast, chopped veggies for my salad, packed my lunch and snacks for the day, and made my coffee. I was out the door by 8:30am. My first stop on my way to work was the Post Office. I had gotten a package and would not have time to get it after work. There was no one at the window when I got there. So I went to the bank, only to discover they don't open until 9am. I went back to the Post Office and did get my package. I had to drop it back across the street in my apartment. But of course, I couldn't just leave it there without opening it. So I quickly tore open the box and discovered three new hats to keep my head warm. Which was perfect timing considering the ground outside was covered with snow and ice! I donned my cute, new grey hat and was back out the door by 8:45.
As I walked to work through my neighborhood, then the park, I just took time to relax and enjoy the morning. Sure I was going to be a few minutes late to work, but it was truly a beautiful morning worth enjoying. It was sunny, and the sight of snow just made me happy. Luckily I was only about 5 minutes late to work, and no one seemed to have noticed.
The rest of my day went really well. I had a successful day #3 in my new job as associate program manager. My time was spent efficiently as I finally crossed off some to-do items I'd had a while. Then I enjoyed running a few errands during my lunch break. Now that I'm finally a full-time employee, I can actually enjoy a lunch break!
I worked out after work, enjoying the new benefits of my gym membership such as towel and locker service. I continued a productive day by going to the laundromat to do my overflowing laundry. Then I spent the rest of my evening relaxing with my roommate with conversation and wine.
It was a really great day. My sunny attitude mirrored the weather!

everything's an adventure in NYC

2007-01-21T18:54:00.000-05:00

Today I decided to go to Target. Now for most people, you don't have to plan to go to Target. You just get in your car and drive. When I lived in Texas, my apartment was a 5 minute drive to the nearest Target. If I had been really motivated, I could have walked there. In New York, this is not the case. Getting to Target from my apartment took just over 30 minutes and two subway trains, leaving Manhattan to go to the Bronx.
I set out at 3pm. I took the A train to 168th street. Then I transferred to the 1 train. However, this transfer is unlike most subway stations. To get to the 1 line, I had to take an elevator down to the platform. When you are prone to clautrophobia, an elevator ride underground is definitely unnerving. I began to experience some signs of an anxiety attack as I waited for the elevator door to open. I believe they took a few seconds longer than necessary to open.
After getting off the subway, I walked the short walk through the 28 degrees to get to Target. The first thing I noticed was the line that seemed to exist outside the Target. It was 3:30pm on a Sunday. Why would people be lined up to get inside Target? I have no idea. I never did find out. But the doors were definitely closed and locked with people waiting to go inside. I'd just traveled up to the Bronx and now it looked like I might not even be able to go in to Target. Luckily, I saw employees moving towards the doors and soon they were open and people filed inside. Thank goodness. I didn't go all that way only to turn around and go back home.
I wandered around Target still suffering from confusion. I could not figure out what was going on, but it didn't feel like a normal Target experience. First of all, there were tons of employees throughout the store, and they were all rushing around. Second, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be in there. Sure there were other shoppers in the store, but it felt like we were just in the way. I found some clothes I wanted to try on, but when I got to the dressing rooms I was told they were closed. Um, that's definitely weird.
I spent nearly an hour wandering around feeling disoriented and overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked, it seemed I saw people just acting weird. After picking out a new comforter, 3 DVDS, and some pajamas, I decided it was time to go. I wasn't sure they check out lines would even be open. Luckily they were. I made my purchases and left the Bizarro Target.
I finally got home at 5pm. My entire Target experience took 2 hours. Who knew Target could be such special, and in this case odd, adventure?

reflection on blogging

2007-01-21T13:00:00.000-05:00

Lately I haven't been blogging much. My reason seems to be two-fold:
1. In between working two jobs, tutoring 3 nights a week, spending time with friends, and dating someone new, I just haven't had much free time.
2. I feel like my reason for blogging has changed, and it has affected my writing style and purpose.
When I first started blogging, I was looking for an outlet. I need a way to channel all of my feelings and thoughts into something creative and positive. Whether I was writing about the mundane or the personal, it was real. I allowed my voice to be vulnerable and honest. I wrote for myself. Even though I knew it was open for anyone to read, including people I knew, it still felt safe. Apart from trying to maintain some sense of anonymity, I didn't really edit my content or hold anything back. Then "i am cam" became "cam and the city" and the blog shifted. Maybe it wasn't perceptible to those who have been reading since I first started writing, but I knew my purpose and style had changed. I began writing for an audience instead of myself. As much as I love writing about my experiences and adventures in New York City, I also love writing about the random thoughts I have and that I am forever working out and processing. I'm never going to figure out life, but I love the process of trying to gain some sense of my purpose and who I am. But I don't write about this as much. I'm aware of who is or might be reading what I write, and my sense of safety has disappeared. It can be disconcerting to have someone learn about your personal thoughts, feelings, and struggles without you ever knowing they know. It makes what is personal and sacred for me, impersonal and meaningless.
So where do I go from here? Do I continue writing about my life in the City, withholding a part of myself? Or do I somehow learn to forget that people I know are reading my personal thoughts, ramblings, musings, and life and rediscover my purpose for writing?
I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I do know that I've missed blogging. I do need this blog as an outlet. I like writing. For me. And if others just happen to read my random thoughts, well, I guess that's just the way it is.

a job on the horizon?

2007-01-21T12:02:00.000-05:00

It seems most of my blogs these days are about one of two things:
1. Being sick
2. The never-ending job search

The good news is that I am finally not sick. And I have a very promising job prospect. Basically, I'm applying for the job I've been doing for the last two months. I've been working as a temp, but the office realized it is really a full-time job. Therefore, I am finally seeing the promise of a salary and benefits in my very near future. So if I do get sick again, I'll actually have health insurance!

At this point I'm just hoping for the job, not to get sick...

the petri dish

2007-01-14T19:35:00.000-05:00

I'm still sick. I've been sick since before Christmas. It seems the office where I work is simply an environment that fosters illness. Half the staff have been out sick at some point since the New Year. It's hard for me to take time off from work for sick days since I don't actually have sick days. If I don't work, I don't get paid. So I go everyday to the office and continue sharing germs with everyone else. And so, I'm still sick.

Quick Hits

2006-12-28T10:06:00.000-05:00

I've had many blogs to write, but no time. So I'm resorting to the "quick hits" of everything from the last few weeks.

Rode the subway all around Manhattan, Brooklyn and the Bronx commuting for job #1 and to job #2.
Had dinner with my cousin at the coolest apartment I've ever seen- 4 bedrooms, 2 bath, dining room with a table that seats 8, kitchen with a table that can also seat 8, living room with a working fireplace, windows that overlook Gramercy Park and a rooftop deck. 4 of the nicest (and luckiest) guys live in this huge, eastside apartment and their rent is less than mine up in Harlem. I nearly cried.
Interviewed for my dream job at Central Park. I didn't get it. So the job search continues. Again, I nearly cried.
Had visitors in town from Long Island and Dallas. It was a very fun and crazy weekend. Below are some of the activities we did.
Aimee Mann Christmas Concert
Shopping in SoHo
Christmas Drinking Tour of the City- after South Street Seaport and Rockefellar Center we lost momentum
South Street Seaport Christmas tree carol singers performance
Saw Paul Rudd walking around the West Village
Danced on the bar at Hogs and Heifers- the original bar that inspired "Coyote Ugly" bars everywhere
Took a limo home from H&H since no cabs were around
Went on a "real" date with a very cute boy
Stayed up all night with my roommate and friends before my 7am flight back home
Passed out on the flight- literally. I rode most of the way home in the flight attendants' area telling my life story to Joe the flight attendant who was watching over me.
Back to Dallas for Christmas with my family

Each of these bullets offer many stories to tell, but I just haven't had time for writing. I'm hoping the New Year will provide one full-time job so my life is a little less crazy. Of course, living in New York means my life will always be just a little bit crazy...

To all my teacher friends at W. Elementary

2006-12-06T23:01:00.000-05:00

One of my current jobs requires me to visit schools throughout New York City. Given my past school experience, my boss sends me to the classrooms to tell the students what we will be doing. I do a cute little announcement regarding the "two rules" to remember to help us with our project. Then I join all the other data collectors in the cafeteria to take pictures of school lunches and make observations. I've been to many schools and each time I catch myself thinking, "Wow, I really appreciate the structure and organization of W. Elementary." At these schools, the teachers do not stay in the cafeteria during their students' lunch. Instead these kids are left in the supervision of a handful of cafeteria monitors. Maybe you are thinking to yourself, "Wow, an entire lunch period to myself." I wouldn't get too excited. I have a very strong feeling when the students return to the classroom they are completely unruly and unfocused.
So far I've observed some noisy cafeterias. I've seen some lacking the necessary structure to efficiently move students through the line. I've seen kids playing around. But today was the worst school I have ever seen. No wonder the principal acted so nervous about us being there. She knew what we were going to witness.
The first lunch period consisted of kindergarten, first and second grade. At first, the monitors seemed to be fun and have a good rapport with the students. But it was soon apparent, they actually lacked any real control over the students. Apart from lining the kids up to go through the lunch line, there was no structure. In fact, I can most adequately describe what I saw as chaos. Kids were yelling (3 grade levels of them). Many were running around, chasing each other, pushing each other, falling on the ground. But I knew it was out of control when I witnessed two first grade boys get into a fist-fight. As my teacher instincts kicked into gear, I had to fight the urge to go over and start disciplining. I was there to observe. Nothing more. As the monitors made empty threats that were ignored, I had to turn my back and suppress all the advice I was dying to suggest. I really wanted to go over to the microphone that was being used to talk over all the noise and take control of the chaos. I'm not saying I'm an expert classroom mangager. All I know is that pushing and pulling and yelling at the few students they were able to "catch" behaving badly was not working.
The last lunch period was fifth and sixth grade students. It seemed to be a little quieter. As it turns out, that was only because the students were given the option to not eat lunch and play outside instead. Are you kidding me? As soon as I had taken the last picture and made my final note, I got out of there. Sadly, I'm scheduled to go back next week. Maybe I should take earplugs. And a Xanax...
All I know is what I saw today was far worse than anything I ever experienced on my worst days at W. Elementary.

1F-ing Hot Christmas Party

2006-12-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

Last night my roommate and I had a Christmas party to kick off the holiday season. We first mentioned the idea of having a party last year when we still lived in the dorm. When we moved into apartment 1F, we knew it would be possible. By New York standards, our place is big. We had plenty of room for the 20+ people we wanted to invite. So we after making our list of invitees, we created a very cute evite. We went with the Naughty or Nice theme, thus setting the tone for our party. Evites were in the inboxes before Thanksgiving.
Next we planned our menu. I chaneled my inner-Charlotte hostessing skills and created a menu that would make Martha Stewart proud. There was a cheese log with crackers, chips and queso, tortilla rolls with salsa, popcorn, M&Ms, sugar cookies and rice krispies. Various friends were consulted for their popular party recipies. Our drink menu included white russians, cranberry vodkas, peppermint schnapps hot chocolate, and a rum punch that was very popular.
Even with all our planning, shopping, and prepping before Friday, my roommate and I were still rushing around to finish everything before party time. Luckily most people don't show up at the actual party time. That gave us a little extra time. We set the food in the living room (because it is known fact that people will gather where there is food). We created a "bar" in the kitchen (because it is also a fact that people will gather where there is alcohol). We converted my roommate's room to be the overflow room by setting up her futon as a couch. Christmas decorations were placed throughout the apartment- a Christmas tree in the living room and my roommate's room, Santas, a wreath, and various other knicknacks. Lights were strung on the "bar". Basically, apartment 1F was ready to start rocking around the Christmas tree.
Of course, we still had to get ready for the party. In between batches of cookies, I did my hair and make-up and dressed up in my subtle holiday party outfit. Even though we were finally dressed and ready to greet guests, my roommate and I each need our final party touches. So my roommate donned a Santa hat, and I wore reindeer antler (that had blinking lights). Let's just say, I had no problem getting the attention of a very cute party guest...
Today as I wandered around the trash and party remnants, I declared the party a HUGE success. We had just the right amount of food. Drinks were plenty (besides the very popular punch). At one point there were probably 30 people mingling, dancing, drinking and being merry. The party didn't wind down until 2:30 when a small group left for the bar.
What can I say? My roommate and I know how to put together a party. And in the end, we proved being naughty really is nice.

2 out of 5 nights

2006-11-20T23:56:00.000-05:00

This past week I went to my usual happy hour place three nights in a row. In my defense, it was to be social and see friends. Wednesday night I met two friends from school to catch up. Then I went on Thursday to meet a new friend and discuss a possible new job. However, she never showed and I left after finishing my water. Yes, just water. Then I went on Friday for the "usual" happy hour. My roommate and I went straight from our hair appointments. They let me eat my soup that I brought in from another place at the bar. We kicked off the night earlier than usual. It was a fun night. But this isn't my point. The point is that I was at this place 3 nights out of the work week. However, I wasn't there the 2 nights when Paul McCartney decided to go.
That's right the Paul McCartney. Apparently he had been down in Times Square doing some music type thing, then decided to go out for a drink. And when you are Paul McCartney you can't exactly just head to a bar in Times Square. So he went to my bar. And I wasn't there. No, I was there the other 3 nights. The 3 nights when no famous people were drinking at my bar. Just me and the other "regulars".

another day in Central Park

2006-11-11T19:25:00.000-05:00

Today my legs are very sore from yesterday's run in Central Park. However, I decided I need to excercise them a little. So I decided to go back to Central Park. This time I was just going to walk through the park, exploring more areas. I went left over to the east side this time. The first thing I noticed is that the path is a little flatter. I think I'll keep that in mind when I run again.
I noticed a small incline and couldn't help but wonder what was up there. What if I was missing out on something? I went to check it out and I'm glad I did. I was not expecting to find a resevoir. It was framed by the contrast of tall buildings. It was completely enclosed by a fence, protecting it. I continued down to the Great Lawn where I went this summer for laying out. Then I headed back home. My legs were starting to protest my walk.
Central Park has lots of paths yet for me to discover. I'm hoping for a few mild winter days so I can keep going throughout the year. It's one of my new favorite ways to enjoy New York City.

Central Park

2006-11-11T19:17:00.000-05:00

This week has been beautiful in New York. The fall weather has been perfect with highs in the 60s. While I was stuck indoors on Thursday when it was 67 degrees and sunny, I did have Friday to enjoy another beautiful, though slightly cooler day. My roommate had gone running in Central Park the day before and it inspired me to do the same. As I was running downtown through the park, I was awed by the sights. The trees were various shades of yellow, orange, and red. Fallen leaves covered the still green lawns. I'm really not doing it justice. It's really beautiful. I passed ponds and idyllic paths. The whole time I was running I kept asking myself, "Why have I never gone running in Central Park before?"
My roommate had run all the way from Central Park North to Columbus Circle and back. While I'm pretty competitive and wanted to prove to myself I could do the same, I wasn't sure I could. After all 110th Street to 59th and back is a long way. So I told myself I would run for 30 minutes and turn around. At 28 minutes, I found myself at Columbus Circle. I had done it! I turned around and ran back to where I started. While I've been working out, the most I usually run continuously is 30 minutes. I ran for an hour, but I hardly noticed.
Of course, today I noticed. My legs are pretty sore. Especially given that after yesterday's run I had to go up to the Bronx to visit two different schools for my job. Each school was inconveniently located about 15 minutes from the subway. I got an additional hour of walking added to my already over-the-top workout. But I like to think it is all just part of my marathon training.

2nd annual marathon party

2006-11-07T20:56:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday was the annual NYC marathon. My roommate and I once again headed to a marathon party hosted by her aunt. Only this year the party was in Harlem at the apartment of one of the 37,000 runners. As we walked over to the apartment located at just before mile 22 on the route, we noticed only a few runners passed us. They were the top runners of the race.
We arrived at the party only to discover it was a beautiful apartment overlooking a park complete with fall foliage. Most of the party ended up congregating on the balcony (yes, a balcony!) to look to watch the runners passing on the street below. It was from here that we cheered. We yelled for those who looked ready to stop. We yelled the names of those wearing their names on their shirts. I yelled for all who were wearing Texas/UT memorabalia. And of course, we joined the group cheering as Lance Armstrong ran towards the mile 22 marker. He was easy to spot. He was running towards a TV camera, surrounded by an entourage of runners. I know, I saw him.
The whole scene was inspiring. I've already put the goal of running a marathon on my life-list. But watching these people and listening to the stories of others who've raced before, I'm determined to make it happen. So my roommate and I have decided to start training. Not for a marathon, but a half-marathon. After all, I'm no fool. I'm not ready for 26.2 miles. I'm not really ready for 13.1 miles, but it's an achieveable goal if I am determined to do it. Which I am. Even though I love drinking mimosas and watching marathons, I will not settle to only be a spectator. I will train for my half-marathon and after I succeed, I will train for a full one. Wish me lucks. My legs hurt just thinking about it...

my second nyc music show

2006-11-05T14:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I went with a group to see K-Fed.
That's right, Kevin Federline. Mr. Britney Spears himself.

Right now you are probably asking yourself- WHY? ON PURPOSE??
Even more, you are most likely laughing.
You are laughing at the insanity of anyone actually choosing and paying to go see K-Fed. You are laughing at the idea of K-Fed trying to be the next Vanilla Ice. But yet, ask youself- if you had the chance to see something so bad, would you go? Like the many trainwrecks of celebrities and wanna-be artists before him, you can't help but wonder if it really is as bad as you think it will be.

It was.

It was so bad, it was good. We had a solid group of very fun people, several alcoholic drinks, and a great attitude. We were going to have fun at this concert. Not even the limited talent of K-Fed could stop us. Outsiders might have believed that we actually were enjoying the music. Not so much. But we were enjoying the spirit of dillusion that filled the half-empty venue. Even as we crowded up to the stage, we had plenty of room for dancing and silliness. As I stopped moving long enough to observe my fellow concert-goers, their looks of horror and stunned disbelief could not be ignored. It was awesome. They looked on with a look that seemed to be asking the question everyone wants to ask, "What the hell is he thinking?" And so I danced my white-girl moves to the white-boy rapper. Neither of us were very good, but we were at the very least amusing to the people who had to watch us.

It was a very fun night.

my first nyc music show

2006-11-01T19:57:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to my first music show here in the city. There are always plenty of music concerts and shows going on her. But last year I was usually unable to take advantage of any offerings due to classes at night. This year I haven't had a chance due to limited finances until I secure a full time job. However, there are always exceptions.
I have been a big fan of Joshua Radin ever since I randomly discovered his song "Winter" on Amazon. Since that time, I began listening to more of his stuff. After giving in to the myspace craze, I added him to my friends list. This was how I found out about his show in New York. He was part of the Hotel Cafe Tour which included Cary Brothers as well. I've been a fan of Cary Brothers since "Blue Eyes" on the Garden State soundtrack. Both of the musicians are Zach Braff endorsed, so I knew it would be good.
I invited Julie to join me. I called to find out about tickets and was excited to learn that it was free- first come, first serve. The first musician went on at 8. We got there not long after that. It quickly became apparent that "free" isn't always better. The first come, first serve policy meant we had to stand in line to get in to see the musicians. We finally got through the black curtains at 10pm just in time to see Josh Radin take the stage. We stood there being bumped in all directions trying to enjoy the show. While I did like the music, I did not like the venue. We stayed to hear Cary Brothers immediately after. The minute the last note of "Blue Eyes" ended we bolted back through the black curtain for fresh air and more space.
Given the name of the venue, the Living Room, it was an ironically overall uncomfortable environment. But I enjoyed the music and seeing two great singer/songwriters.

trick or treat

2006-11-01T19:25:00.000-05:00

I avoided most of the Halloween festivities over the weekend. I opted not to attend parties or dress up. I was asked if it was because I'm too mature for costumes. Please. Not hardly. I was simply too lazy to come up with an idea and make it. So it was a low-key weekend void of Halloween mayhem.
This City offers plenty of Halloween fun. However, most of it seems targeted towards big kids like me. But what about young kids? I never actually stopped to wonder about how they celebrate the holiday. Last night I stopped by Starbucks for a latte and was surprised when some kids walked in and said "trick or treat". The coffee barista reached over the counter and dropped candy into their plastic pumpkins. As I walked down the street, I saw princesses, witches, ghosts and many more going in and out of stores, cafes, and restaurants for trick-or-treating. How did I miss all this last year? Oh, yes... statistics midterm that night.
As for me, this year I still steered clear of Halloween in the City. I could have gone down to Greenwich Village to watch the infamous Halloween parade. (This city does love parades.) Next year. Instead, I chose something more low-key.

life after Ellen

2006-10-28T17:04:00.000-04:00

My routine has changed. I no longer drink coffee with my roommate in the morning, watch Ellen, workout or job search. Well, I still job search and drink coffee, but I hardly see my roommate and I rarely watch Ellen. I recently started a temporary, part-time job which takes up a considerable amount of my time. I working on a research project at NYU. When I'm not in my data collector role visiting NYC schools in Brooklyn, the Bronx and Manhattan, I'm working in the office doing data entry for the project. I love it! Not only do I get to set my own hours, working as much or as little as I want, I am also getting practical experience to put on my resume. I took a class this summer on program evaluation, and now I'm getting to see what I learned in practice not just theory. I'm hoping this experience helps me figure out if I really want to be a program evaluator.
In the meantime, my job search continues. I got a call on Wednesday to schedule an interview. It's my first interview since August. I'm very excited. I also applied to two very promising jobs at my grad school. While they aren't exactly what I forsee as "in-line" with my career goals, they do offer a few benefits. Namely great holidays and tuition exemption. The second benefit would allow me to continue to take grad classes- for free!
When I'm not traveling to boroughs to visit schools, I'm at NYU. When I'm not there, I'm usually headed to one of my 3 tutoring jobs. I still try to go to the gym after tutoring. Basically, my life is now back to a craziness that mirrors the fast-pace I love about this City.

This is my excuse for nearly a month of no new blogs.

Can you really go home?

2006-10-28T16:51:00.000-04:00

I went back to Texas a few weeks ago for a wedding. I didn't send out my usual "I'm coming home" email. I knew it would be a big family weekend. (Luckily you can always go home to family). I also knew most of my time would be taken up by all the wedding festivities. I was right. It was a lot of fun. The bride was a long-time family friend. My sister was a bridesmaid in the wedding, and the rest of my family was invited to participate in most of the wedding aspects. While I had no official role in the wedding, I designated myself the party-girl from NYC. From Friday through Sunday my family went to the pre-party, the rehersal dinner, the post-party, the wedding and, of course, the reception. It was fairly surreal seeing this girl get married, knowing that she's probably more of a grown up than me now. She's got a husband, a house, a job and a dog. I have none of those things. But that's fine by me. After all, I'm single and loving living the life in the City. I stayed far away from the bride's tossed bouquet.

I finally got to see some of my friends on Sunday night. I went to visit two different friends at their houses, but that was such a weird feeling. Scheduling time to see your friends... it makes the friendship seem a little less natural and somewhat forced. I began to question whether I can still go home and just hang out with my friends like I did before my big move. I got my answer on Sunday night. While I was disappointed that I didn't get to see everyone I would have liked to see, I realized that I did get to hang out with some of my favorite people. And it wasn't weird or forced. It was like I lived there and I am still part of them and they are still part of me.
So to my Old Monk friends, thank you for being home.

at the Yankees game

2006-10-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

This was my third time to go to the ballpark. The first time I was high up in the stands, fearing the hights. The second time I was in the bleachers enjoying being close to the ground, but unable to see much of the game. Yesterday we had tickets in almost the exact same spot as the first time we went to the game. Especially ironic since both of those were games against the Bluejays.
So I took a deep breath and prepared myself as I faced my fear of heights. I will admit, these seats were still much better than the bleachers. It was fun. Though I only stood when they told us to stand for God Bless America. I feel much safer sitting in my seat.

This picture is from the April game, but I had the same view yesterday. I was sitting up on that third level. Trust me, it's high.

getting to the Yankees game

2006-10-01T12:34:00.000-04:00

On Saturday my roommate, her boyfriend and I all headed up to the Bronx for the Yankees game. Since our move, we are now conveniently located just off the train that takes us directly to the stadium. So we squeezed on to the subway and crowded next to everyone else in Yankees gear. I took a deep breath as I braced my claustrophobic self for the ride up to the stadium. Just a few stops and we would be there.
Unfortunately for me, the subway conductor was not very cooperative. Just two stops away, it was decided that our train was going to run express, thus by-passing our stop. So we joined all the Yankees fans who filed out of the train essentially leaving it empty. We waited as the train remained in the station. Then an announcement was made saying the train would stop at Yankee stadium. After some confusion, we all got back on the train. The announcement was made again that it would stop at the stadium. So we waited on the train. Still the doors did not close, and the train did not leave. After a few minutes of waiting there was yet another announcement. This train would not be stopping at the stadium. Once again, everyone got off the train. Several minutes later, this much cursed train left. We didn't wait long before the next train arrived, running locally and delievering us to the stadium.
I guess it could have been worse. I could have been stuck on the second train in the middle of the tunnel. Talk about claustrophobia...

new discoveries

2006-09-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had to pick up the little girl I babysit from her school on the upper east side. As I took the bus over, I made several new discoveries.

I live only 6 blocks from Central Park. And it is a really pretty part of Central Park, complete with a pond and people fishing. I can't wait to go jogging along the water.
Just beyond the park was a traffic circle with a very cool statue of a man playing a piano. This city is filled with monuments and statues that are easy to pass by without taking time to notice.
The upper east side is an entire area of New York City I have yet to explore. That's why I love this city. There is always something new to discover.

a list worth writing

2006-09-27T18:02:00.000-04:00

Over the past few weeks, I've watched a lot of Ellen. While I'm often quoting much of what I learn from Ellen each day, it is the life list that is the most worth sharing. On any given day, Ellen will talk about this idea of not only making a life list, but actually writing it down. For someone who likes to make lists as much as I do, it is no surprise that I'm all about the life list.
So what is the life list? It is all of the things that you hope to do/accomplish in your life. The point of writing your life list is so you can mark them off, thus inspiring you to actually do them. As I started writing my life list this week, I discovered that I had actually been making a life list long before now. What was even more exciting was realizing just how much I have already done- and can therefore cross off- my life list.
Here are just a few of the items I had done before I ever began writing down my list:

Go to grad school
Live in a foreign country
Learn to scuba dive
Travel
Live in New York City
Take a cross-country roadtrip
Learn to drink red wine

Here are some of the things I've since added to my life list since I started writing it down:

Learn to cook
Visit all 50 states
Really learn about wine
Run in a marathon
Be less selfish
Go to Ireland

I hope you will write your own life list.

cam confession #15

2006-09-26T21:52:00.000-04:00

I didn't take a risk. And now I regret it.

For someone who believes in taking risks and doesn't believe in having regrets, this is problematic. I've been thinking about this confession for a long time. It all began last winter when I was dating a guy I wasn't sure I really liked. The truth is, we had a great time together. Even though we didn't necessarily have a lot in common, I always had fun with him. He planned great dates that included ethnic restaurants, art museums, watching movies and football.
But when I began to sense that we were close to having "the talk," the one in which we decided to define the relationship, I freaked out. I was too scared to be called his girlfriend. So I didn't take the risk. I let the relationship end.
Granted, it wasn't entirely my fault. But I still let my apathy and fear stand in the way of me taking a risk and seeing what might happen.
I regret my decision.
But I suppose I live and learn. Maybe the next time I meet a nice guy who actually wants to spend time getting to know me and dating me, I won't freak out. Maybe.

countdown

2006-09-20T23:46:00.000-04:00

At Apartment 1F, we've been counting down...
Tomorrow is the Season Premiere of Grey's Anatomy. My roommate and I cease all conversation each time we see the clip for the show. I can only imagine the tension that will exist as we finally watch the very highly anticipated premiere.
Who will Meredith choose? McDreamy or McVet?
This is even more exciting than the Ben v. Noel debate on Felicity.

British Firemen

2006-09-16T13:03:00.000-04:00

Two words- Hot. Sexy.

I know because last weekend I met a group of them. I've long had a thing for firemen. Something about the uniform and the firehouse and them racing into burning buildings to save lives. It's all very hot. Last Friday, four fire trucks past me and my heart raced each time as I caught a glimpse of the men inside.
Then I walked into my regular happy hour place and saw a group of men in uniform. Instinctively I knew- they were firemen. When one came over to talk to me, I nearly melted when I heard the accent. It just elevated my attraction even higher.
Let's just say, I'd really love to visit London again. And soon. After all, I know a very hot, sexy fireman there. He's my Hottie McLondon.

still job searching

2006-09-16T12:55:00.000-04:00

My last day of work was September 1st. Since then, I've continued looking for a full-time job. Even though I've only been unemployed for two weeks, it feels more like two months. As someone who was raised to have a strong work ethic, being without a job is a challenge. I've been fortunate to be able to continue babysitting the past few weeks. It's at least some income, even if it isn't enough to make rent.
I am hoping to find a job by October. So I keep searching for anything that sounds like it is in my field. I've also applied for a few jobs that are no where near my career goals, but could be fun. Like working retail in a wine store. After all, I've always wanted to learn more about wine. It could be a great fit. (And of course, it would give me more time to continue looking for a more appropriate job that fits in my career goals).
I will say, I'm enjoying the time I'm not working a little too much. I've settled into a routine that includes coffee and Ellen in the morning, working-out with my roommate, watching too much TLC, and of course, searching the internet for jobs and sending out resumes and cover letters. As much fun as it all is, I really need a job. This city offers a lot to do... and it takes money. It's a fun, but expensive city.

Roadtrip- Part III

2006-09-05T15:47:00.000-04:00

The last big stretch...
Saturday morning my sister and I woke up once again at 6am to begin our final day of driving. We enjoyed the free continental breakfast at the hotel, then took our first coffee of the day on the road. West Virginia really is a beautiful state. It's also quite rural. There is no way this city girl will ever want to live in a state like W. Virginia.
We were just getting tired of the winding highways of West Virginia through the mountains when we crossed the next state line. MARYLAND? Uh, oh. My sister said she didn't want to hear uh, oh. I reminded her that as long as we were driving east or north we weren't going the wrong direction. Though we might not be going the best direction. Luckily a glance at the map showed we were still going the right route. We just had noticed the yellow lines indicating we would pass through Maryland on our way to New York. So we continued driving through state #6, Maryland. I don't have much to report about Maryland except for the gas stations were located ridiculously off the highway which wasted too much of our valuable time.
Apart from restroom breaks, we didn't stop much on Saturday. We were hoping to be in New York by 3:30/4:00. After the several surprise hours spent in Maryland, we finally entered state #7, Pennsylvania. My sister was overall, unimpressed with Pennsylvania. I think it might be hard to appreciate a state when you are tired of driving a big truck. I was hoping we would get to pass through Hershey, PA and maybe even stop to buy some chocolate. But of course the highways took us around it. There was no way we were exiting to go find it.
Normally I don't think many people would be excited to go to New Jersey. But considering it was state #8 and the final one before New York, we were pretty excited. Well, as much as one can be excited about the Garden State. As we approached New York, we stopped for one final gas tank fill up and to switch drivers. It was long decided that I would be the one to make the drive into the City. I was very nervous.
The plan was to cross over the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan, then head down the Westside Highway to my neighborhood. However, as we approached the Bridge we couldn't figure out which lane to be in. Were we a truck? Even though we were in a Budget truck we weren't really a big commerical truck. I chose the regular lane for cars. I chose wrong.
When we reached the window ready to pay our $6, we were told we were on the wrong level. We were to cross 5 lanes of traffic, exit, circle back around and go across the top part of the bridge. I made it across 3 lanes nearly hitting the cars I couldn't see due to my HUGE blindspot. Next thing I know we are crossing the GW Bridge- illegally! Imagine two girls screaming with fear and you've got a great scene for a movie. We made it across and when I saw the exit for Amsterdam Avenue, I took it. We had finally reached state #9, New York. I knew that street, and I was ready to get to my new apartment.
Once in Manhattan, the driving was nearly as bad as I had feared. In fact, if I can't find a job in education maybe I'll become a cab driver. I drove downtown finally reaching my neighborhood just before 5pm.
Unfortunately, in spite of all my planning, I was there before my movers. So my sister and I double parked and began unloading as much as possible before the cops came along and told us to move. We got most of the boxes when my token male mover arrived, followed shortly by my roommate and her parents. We managed to get the sofa unloaded and through the door, followed by the bed. Finally everything was out of the truck, and still no signs of cops to make us move. The final challenge was deciding where to put the truck. After an unsuccessful attempt to parallel park it, I found a spot that I could easily back into.
It was time to relax in my new apartment littered with boxes waiting to be unpacked.

Roadtrip- Part II

2006-09-05T12:13:00.000-04:00

It was an early morning at my cousin's house on Friday morning. Even though she kept telling us we were welcome to sleep in, my sister and I had a long day of driving ahead of us. So I reluctantly crawled out of bed at 6am to take a hot shower. Afterwards, we enjoyed homemade banana bread for breakfast and chatted with my cousin, her two boys and her husband. Then we were out the door by 7am to begin the second part of our roadtrip.
We didn't go far before our first stop. It was about 5 minutes. My sister and I had long decided that Starbucks would be our new best friend on this trip. Once we had our grande, non-fat, sugar-free Vanilla Lattes we were driving out of Little Rock and east towards Memphis. Of course, we were soon stopping for the first of many restroom breaks and to fill up the truck with gas. It was at this particular stop that we saw the marquee sign at KFC that just perpetuates the backwards stereotype of Arkansas: WANTED FUTARE LEADERS. Classic.
By late morning we were crossing into state #3- Tenessee. As we drove towards Memphis, sitting there along the Mississippi River I wish we could have exited to sightsee. But sadly, we did not have time to visit the birthplace of Elvis. We pressed on towards Nashville, planning to stop there for lunch.
We reached Nashville just after 1pm. We began to look for a place to eat just off the highway. For some reason, I had it in my mind to find a little diner where we could stop for lunch. I just pictured us in some cute little diner with walls covered with pictures of famous Nashville people. As we drove farther away from the highway and closer to downtown Nashville, we saw no such diners. Eventually we got back on the highway, watched Nashville grow smaller and smaller. Finally we stopped at some burger place. At least we chose one that we don't have in Texas or New York. Still, there were no pictures of famous people.
Not long after out lunch stop we crossed our next state line- Kentucky, state #4. Our plan of photographing each state line had long been abandoned. Instead, I drove and my sister slept. Overall, Kentucky was unimpressive. Sure, the rolling hills were quaint. One thing we did notice was all the XXX, Adult Bookstores and Videostores. Luckily they were balanced out by all the "Jesus Loves You" signs.
Navigating our way around Lexington we pressed on to West Viriginia, state #5, and our destination for the night. We finally drove into Charleston around 8:30pm (Eastern Time). We were officially at 12 hours of roadtrip fun. It was time to stop. My sister and I had long been planning a relaxing evening of sitting in a hotel room enjoying beer and pizza to unwind after a long day of driving cross-country. We drove past Charleston planning to find a hotel on the other side of the city so we could avoid traffic in the morning. Soon we were driving into darkness towards what appeared to be nothing. This wasn't good. The next big town was 115 miles away and there was no way we were going to backtrack. So we decided we would keep driving. If we saw a hotel and were tired we would stop. Otherwise we would just keep going. After about 15 mintues, we saw an exit with a sign for a hotel- and a Pizza Hut. We took it as our sign to stop. So we got off the highway, stopped at the gas station for 2 beers. Then stopped by Pizza Hut to order our dinner. We checked into the hotel and enjoyed being out of the truck.
It was a successful day of driving. 5 states down, 3 more to go.

Roadtrip- Part I

2006-08-30T14:40:00.000-04:00

From the initial planning of my big move to New York, I knew it would be an adventure filled with plenty of memorable stories. After all we were driving through 8 states, in 2 1/2 days. So it should not have been so surprising that when I went last Wednesday night to pick up the reserved truck, I was told they didn't have the size I wanted. I had reserved a 10' truck. Instead, they wanted to give me a 16' truck at the 10' rate. I told them, "No. I don't want a 16' truck. I want a 10' truck. I have to drive into New York City, and I don't want to be driving a 16' truck. I don't need a truck that big. I don't want a truck that big." The guy was not prepared for me to refuse the bigger truck. Apparently most people are happy to get a bigger truck at the cheaper rate. I am not most people. I am a 5' girl moving to NYC. I was already nervous about the drive. I didn't want the bigger truck.
So I left that night without a truck. The plans of loading the truck were quickly abandoned. I went to meet my friends for my last night in town, hoping the distraction would keep me from worrying about how I was going to get my stuff to New York. The next morning I woke up early and still worrying. I called the truck company at 8am and asked if they were going to be able to get me the mini-mover. The guy said he would need at least a few hours to find one, then he would probably have to go pick it up. I called back at 12:30 and asked the girl who answered if they had found my truck. I was told not yet. I told her, "Well, I will be there at 3pm to pick up the truck. I'm hoping you will have the size I want. If not, I will take what I can get." After all, I had to have a truck to make my move to the big City.
I arrived at the truck stop shortly after 3pm. I might have done a little dance when I saw my mini-mover waiting for me. After signing all the paperwork, I was on my way. I was a little nervous as I drove it home, but my confidence grew as I successfully backed it into the driveway without taking out my parents' mailbox. My sister's boyfriend and one of my best blonde friends helped me get everything loaded up in the truck. After refusing the bigger truck, I briefly panicked that all my stuff wouldn't fit. But it was perfectly packed with room to spare.
Once my sister was home from work, I made her say a quick good-bye to her boyfriend, then we were on our way. We had only driven 20 minutes before our first stop. I wanted Chick-Fil-A for dinner since it doesn't exist in the North. That night we drove from Dallas to Little Rock, and after several bathroom stops, we finally got to our cousin's house shortly before midnight. After the initial drama of the truck rental, part 1 of the roadtrip was a success. 2 states down, 6 more to go.

back to my roots

2006-08-30T14:33:00.000-04:00

It was fun being back in Texas again. My first few days were filled with dental and hair appointments. Having sold my car before moving to the City, I had to borrow my neighbors'. So, I drove myself around in a BIG, LOUD truck. I was certainly back in Texas. Taking the Texas stereotype even further, I found myself tuning to the country radio stations and instructing my hair stylist to make me BLONDE. After all, I'm a Texan in New York. They expect me to be blonde.
After saying good-bye to my parents who left Sunday morning for a week long cruise, I moved beyond the Texas stereotype and embodied the Dallas one. No longer in the truck, I was driving around in a very fast and sporty BMW. I enjoyed it while it lasted. After a week of visiting friends, it was time to pick up the Budget truck and begin the roadtrip back to New York.

I am my mother's daughter: A birthday tribute

2006-08-18T16:20:00.000-04:00

Tonight we are celebrating my mom's birthday. Just like me, she began celebrating her birthday days before the actual day. My aunts are hosting an all-girls party tonight. Then she'll continue celebrating throughout next week as she and my dad are on their cruise. I'm known to drag out my celebration for every big birthday- 25, 26, 27,... However, my mom is more entitled to her month long celebration. On August 20th, she will turn 50.
When it comes to money or carats, bigger numbers are always better. But when it comes to age, most people dread the big numbers. But what does the number of your age really mean? Is it a reflection of your true age? Not really. In the same way most people think I'm barely legal to drink, my mom hardly looks old enough to have two daughters who can legally drink. There has been a time or two when people ask if she is our older sister. The look of shock each time someone learns she is our mom, not our sister, is enough to take years away from the looming 50.
So in the same way I say, "Thirties are the new twenties," I say it is time to redefine fifty. After all, it is only a number. Why let it define you?
F- Fifty and Fabulous: Live life that way
I- Interesting: You radiate with your life experience
F- Forty plus 10: If you feel forty, then be forty
T- Tittilating: You are more sexy and charming with each year
Y- Youthful: Recapture all that makes you feel young
Happy Birthday, Mom!

wishful thinking

2006-08-09T18:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I asked a friend to help me move this upcoming Saturday. Today I confirmed I actually have an apartment where I will be moving my stuff. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. I guess my wishful thinking paid off.
Tomorrow I will put down the deposit, plus first and last month's rent. I am hoping in the next few days I will be offered a job to help pay for all this apartment stuff. Again wishful thinking...

a movie worth seeing

2006-08-07T22:14:00.000-04:00

Tonight I saw Little Miss Sunshine. After the movie ended, I said to my friends, "This is the first movie I've seen in New York that is worth $10.75." It's that good.

stress is bad for your health

2006-08-05T12:03:00.000-04:00

I got sick this week. It wasn't surprising. I've been under way too much stress as I fear being homeless in a week and jobless in three weeks. In my effort to get rid of some of the stress, I went running. As a result, my body just became run down. On Wednesday, as the rest of the City tried to stay cool during a heat wave, I stayed in bed trying to get rid of my fever. I had to be well by the next morning. My first and most promising interview was scheduled for Thursday morning. My fever finally broke at 3:30am, and I was at my interview by 9:00am. Apart from the coughing attack I suffered, I believe it went fairly well. I'm hoping to be called back for round two.
The apartment search continues. In about one minute, I'm leaving to go view 3-4 apartments. I might even apply for the very ugly one I saw a while back. At the very least, it is a place to live. Here is why I'm stressed: I want to move into a place one week from today. I'm not sure if I'm optimistic or just crazy.

movie in the park

2006-08-05T11:55:00.000-04:00

This past Monday, I joined my favorite Texas-native/New York friend at Bryant Park. Each week they show a film on a screen. Throngs of people gather on the grass, benches and steps starting at 5pm. By the time I got there at 5:40, there wasn't much grass visible. I sat with my friend another Texan who just recently moved to the City. We ate dinner, listened to music, watched the wide variety of interesting people and chatted as we waited for the movie to start. Finally around 9pm, it was announced that the movie was starting. We watched a preview for a very cute penguin movie due out in November, followed by a Tweety and Slyvester cartoon. Then it was time for the feature- A Shot in the Dark. Groups of people stood and began dancing around as music signaled the start of the movie. We were part of that group. It might have been the best part of the movie. Monday night movie in Bryant Park is another fabulous New York tradition that I hope to do again. I'll just need to practice my dance moves first...

summer in the city

2006-07-31T16:35:00.000-04:00

I've recently discovered that summer in this city is boring as hell. Everyone keeps leaving town which leaves me with nothing to do. I don't know where they keep going. It's not like anyone I know has a summer home in the Hamptons. All I know is that this past weekend for the second time, I was without anyone to go out with me.
Of course, I didn't let that stop me. After calling everyone I know in the City, I decided to go out by myself. After all, I have my usual happy hour place. It's my very own Cheers. So I went to the place where they know my name, and I know theirs. My plan was to have just two drinks, then head home to watch a movie. I ended up staying their late as I talked with old friends and made new ones.
The next day I invited one of my new friends to join me in Central Park to lay out. It was fun. He kept me company while I worked on my tan. Later that evening I headed back to my usual happy hour place again. Where I met more new friends. This time I did only have two drinks. And I did go home to watch my movie.
The next morning I woke up feeling stressed and depressed. The realization and fear of having no job and no place to live was overwhelming. I just stayed in my bed thinking of a happy place. It just happened to be a beach. And while I was in bed thinking of my happy place, a friend called. He invited me to join him and some friends at the beach. I quickly changed into my cutest bikini and headed to Penn Station where I got the Long Island Railroad to Long Beach.
It wasn't the prettiest beach, and the water was cold. But it was exactly where I needed to be. It was yet another mini-vacation in a summer void of all the trips of the previous summer. I got to work on my tan, meet even more new people, and just enjoy being out of the City. After all, the rest of my friends were out of the City.

wet, stressed, and possibly homeless

2006-07-31T16:25:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up after a night filled with anxiety dreams feeling not very rested at all. Why am I anxious? I didn't get the apartment I wanted which means I still have to find one. If I don't find one by August 17th I will be homeless. I also need a job. One of the main reasons I can't get an apartment is because I don't have a job. The cycle just continues. As does my search.
This morning I went to the earliest open house EVER. It started at 7am. I got there around 8:40. The apartment is in a GREAT location. It was only slightly bigger than the previous apartment. Still two bedrooms, but only one closet. It was more expensive than the other one I wanted, but the location is also better. I put in an application. Of course so did at least 7 other people. I'm pretty sure most if not all of them have jobs. Which means I might still be homeless. I'm very stressed.
This afternoon I made plans to leave work early so I could go to yet another open house. I walked there in the heat only to find out no one was around to let me in. When I finally got a hold of the guy, he told me he had to reschedule. I let him know that I had taken time off of work just for this open house. He promised to show me the place in the morning. It is the sketchy characters like this that you find on Craigslist. I was considering returning in the morning to view the apartment when I became very aware of the neighbors I would have. Across the street, before I had time to react, several kids aimed the fire hydrant water they were playing in directly at me. I chose not to yell out all the inappropriate words going through my mind. Instead, I kept walking. Several of the adults hanging out on their stoop at 3:45 on a Monday afternoon asked me if I was okay. I said, "Fine. Just wet."
I walked back home wet and pissed. And still without a place to live.

3 and counting

2006-07-18T19:14:00.000-04:00

So far I've submitted cover letters and resumes to 3 companies. I'm afraid I'll be submitting a lot more before I'm hired. The apartment hunt continues as well.
I'm really hoping I don't end up jobless and homeless.

when nothing is better than something

2006-07-18T19:10:00.000-04:00

It was nearly 100 degrees in New York City today. Trust me, it's hot... especially when you live in a place where most buildings don't have central air conditioning. As I was getting ready for work, the thought of putting on clothes just made me hotter. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure it is against the dress-code policy to go to work naked.
I'm already looking forward to going north to Syracuse this weekend. It is supposed to be cooler there. You know you are hot when you think 80 degrees sounds cool.