cam confession #7

I don't like asking people for help.
In other words, I'm stubborn and have way too much pride. I've been this way for a long time. I can remember working at a camp one summer and refusing all efforts of help as I worked to scrub 20 pots and pans clean. Or I'll be carrying something heavy, yet I'll tell people I don't need any help carrying the object that is about to drop out of my hands.
Why do I confess this struggle? I went to yet another doctor this week. He has strongly advised me not to drive for 6 months. Now luckily I'll be moving to a city where I won't need to drive and don't want to drive. But that isn't for another 4 month. But luckily I'll also be traveling nearly 6 weeks total before I move.
But what about the rest of the time? I still have places to go, people to see. Just last night I had a softball game, then our weekly $1 beer night. I had to ask a friend to drive me. I didn't like that feeling. In addition to feeling like a burden to my friend, I also lost my sense of freedom. Now my friend has assured me that she is more than happy to drive me because she loves me and that's what friends do. I know. I would do the same thing if the situation was reversed. But I don't like feeling like I need help. And I especially don't like feeling dependent on others. There are so many things in my life I can't control. And now I've had to give up one more.
If you do get a call and I ask for a ride, remember that it is just as much of a sacrifice on my part to ask for help as it is on your part to drive me.

now and later

Lately I've been pretty focused on life in the present. Which is a good thing because I'm taking time to enjoy life as it happens. However, I've been avoiding the future and all that I must do to prepare for upcoming changes in my life.
Since the time I was accepted to my very prestigious graduate school, I have avoided the reality that I am actually going to be moving. I've even deliberately downplayed the fact that I am going to grad school this fall. I don't want to deal with all the details I must take care of before moving in September. But even more so, I don't want to think about leaving the people that I've developed significant relationships with. I don't want to consider the impact that my move could have on these relationships. And so I focus on the now.
But what about the later? It is already beginning to create stress and sadness and disappointment. I must move out of my apartment in two weeks. As I've begun the process of packing, it overwhelms me. Where the hell am I going to put all this stuff? I certainly can't take it with me. And then, I begin to wonder what will I take with me and how am I going to get it there? Then I am asked if I am applying for scholarships and do I have housing yet? Um, no. But thanks for reminding me of yet another thing I need to do. These are details that I am desperately trying not to stress me out. With all the health problems I've had due to anxiety, I certainly don't need to be worrying.
And then there are the things I can't control. Friendships and relationships that exist now, but might slowly disappear in the later. People who are afraid of the unknown and the long distance. Those who discourage me from thinking about the later. And as a result, I am losing some of the excitement I had March 2, 2005 when I was accepted to my dream grad school program.
I hope to enjoy the now to the fullest. But the time has come for me to begin realistically considering the later. To acknowledge that I don't know. I don't know where I will live, how I will pay for school, or what will happen in my relationships. But the later is fast approaching, and this apartment isn't going to pack itself.

cam confession #6: wanna play me

This has been a crazy two weeks. I missed a few days at school for a funeral, a doctor appointment, then more testing. Additionally my students had the BIG TEST that we've been preparing for since August. So it has pretty much become "wheels off" at school the last few days. Let me paint the picture for you:
It's Friday. I was absent on Monday. My kids had the BIG TEST on Tuesday. They watched movies and did fun worksheets on Wednesday. The kids took a little practice test on Thursday. Which brings us back to Friday. An already elevated crazy day merely because it is nearly the weekend. Add to that an Awards Assembly in the morning. Then let's add an All-School Picnic. And a teacher with no real lessons for the day. It was crazy!
It is also crazy that I never played tetherball before today. I know! This gave me a HUGE disadvantage when Mr. T challenged me to a game. Since we are teachers, we cut in front of the line of students patiently waiting to play. And then we began to play. Well, that might actually be debatable. I did hit the ball a few times. But I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to be doing. I'm really surprised the game lasted as long as it did. Mr. T made a point of stopping by my classroom later in the afternoon to remind my students that he beat me at tetherball. Maybe I can recruit some students to teach me.
Well, here it is, cam confession #6: I am definitely not an athlete. But I am highly competitive.
Even though I lost the roller-skating race and the tetherball challenge in front of my students, that's okay. They know I can beat them playing the ABC (like Cubes) computer game anyday. HA!

I wear my sunglasses at night

I am currently wearing my new sunglasses as I type. I'm going on a retreat tomorrow and it is sure to be sunny. I currently own a pair of black sunglasses. So it seems reasonable that I would not need another pair. But I have too many pretty guys in my life who view sunglasses as accessories. There is a very good chance my black sunglasses will not be deemed appropriate for what I'm considering wearing tomorrow. So, I decided to go buy brown sunglasses to cover my bases. Why am I wearing them now? Because I want to see if they leave those little marks on the sides of my nose. I don't like having those marks. Am I normal? Eh, I guess I have a 50% chance.

50/50

You Are 50% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

I sure would like to know what normal means. I just know I'm 50%. That's higher than I expected. Ha! While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

great expectations

One of the first things I was taught in my formal training to become a great teacher is 'have high expectations'. In fact, I've participated in a series of trainings called Teacher Expectation, Student Achievement. So I know a lot about expectations. I've also learned to effectively convey these expectations to my students. I wish I could say I've experienced 100% success. But I still have students who tell me they can't do it. Or look at me with blank stares when I ask for their homework. Or flat out tell me that they can't control themselves. I believe my students have expectations for me as their teacher. They expect me to know what is going on (and sadly, I often disappoint them). They expect me to hug them and comfort them. In addition to being their teacher, I am expected to be a parent, counselor, and friend.
I think having expectations for others is natural. But it is also what can cause disappointment and hurt feelings. I expect people in my life to call, email, check on me, invite me to dinner, ask about my day, want my time. Basically, I want the people that I care about to reciprocate the feeling through actions. Sometimes I wonder if I should lower my expectations so that my feelings are less likely to be hurt. And then I wonder why I expect these things of my friends and family that I am not consistently doing. Because believe it or not, I do realize it's not all about me. And it all becomes very complicated and confusing. I have to admit that sometimes I like to stop expecting anything at all. Because then when people do what I am still secretly hoping they will do, then I am happy. And therein lies the problem. I still have the expectation, I just try to trick myself. And if I'm no longer being upfront with others or myself, then I'm still going to end up disappointing myself. And I really don't like to be the cause of my own unhappiness.
So, I think I'll continue to have expectations in my relationships with others. I just hope I can learn to effectively let people know: "Hey, this is what I am expecting from you." And I hope that I'll live up to the expectations in my own too-often-selfish life.

cam confession #5

I am addicted to email.
I currently have 809 emails in my Yahoo! inbox. (Email 809 was received in October, 2001). I have 478 sent emails saved. Additionally, I've got over 250 emails saved in various folders I have created. And all of these numbers are after I spent the morning deleting 240 emails- a task that makes me nervous. In a way, the emails serve as a journal of my life. I can refer back to them to see what I was doing, feeling, experiencing, etc. The emails chronicle friendships, flirtations, relationships, breakups, lamenting, ranting, ephiphanies, travels, happiness, sadness, and disappointment.
More practically, I can find information that I need. Just this week a friend called and needed the addresses and phone numbers of two mutual friends. My address book wasn't up to date. So I went to my inbox. Sure enough, I found the addresses in emails that were from each of the friends.
When people argue that it was my turn to email next, I am usually able to easily determine if this is true. I can look in the inbox to see the last email I received, then look in my sent folder to find the last email I wrote. Though I don't believe in taking turns.
I agree that email should not be a substitute for real interactions with the people in my life. But email has been an additional way I've been able to communicate and build relationships. I've experienced amazing conversations through email. At times, email has been therapeutic for me. And as I begin to think about moving, email gives me peace because I know I won't lose friendships that I've developed just because I'm absent. There will always be email.

when life gets messy

I know all too well about things getting messy. My apartment seems to be in a perpetual state of messy. Everytime I manage to get it clean, I enjoy the way it looks. Everything so neat and clean and things put in their place. Sometimes I have to make adjustments so things have a new place. But that task isn't too difficult. And then, before I've even had time to invite people over and enjoy the cleanliness of my apartment, I've gone and messed it up again. I live by myself so I know I only have myself to blame.
During a Journey discussion, a friend commented that sometimes when our physical environment becomes messy this leaks into other aspects of life. I was blown away by the depth and truth of that idea. I try hard to control so many things, yet I don't start with the one thing I actually can control. Just when it seems like things are falling into place and life makes sense, an unexpected and out of my control situation will arise. Whether it is a funeral that causes me to leave town or an unknown health issue that sends me to the doctor or a relationship that seems too complicated, I know I can't control these things. But I can address the messy state of my apartment. And then maybe I'll be able to more clearly assess the other messy parts of my life.

cam at 26

I've noticed a few things about myself over the years:
1. I have a lot more confidence.
Perhaps this comes from all the travel/life experience. Or maybe I really have gotten hotter as I've gotten older.
2. I am no longer interested in the bar scene.
The whole idea of meeting someone at a bar is completely superficial. First, any interaction is based solely on looks. Then there is an exchange of what you do, rather than who you are. I've seen many people lose interest in talking with me when I say I'm a teacher. That's not who I am, it's just what I do. I still enjoy going to bars. I just prefer to go with friends and have meaningful conversations.
3. I am a lot more straightforward.
I used to be the kind of person who would avoid confrontation at all cost. But now I don't mind it so much. It allows me to figure things out a whole lot faster. I'm not saying this is always a good thing. Sometimes I miss the intrigue and mystery in situations.
4. I have developed some style.
I've finally learned how to accessorize, do my hair, and dress fashionably. Though I still have guy friends who do all of these things better than me.
5. I am too damn responsible.
Gone is the mentality, do what feels good. Instead, I've learned to rationally think through situations and objectively make good decisions. Though I'm pretty sure all this responsibile thinking will be suspended when I get to Cancun. What happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun.
6. I am less idealistic than I once was.
I'm not going to go as far as to say I'm jaded or pessimistic. But I would say that I have lost the hopeful, optimism that was once an integral part of my character.
7. My biggest fear is 'settling'.
I'm still afraid of heights and large crowds of people. But additionally, I'm afraid of settling for less just because it is more convenient. On the flip side, I worry that I may never truly be happy because I'll always be looking for adventure.
8. Overachieving has long been a part of my life.
I have a love-hate relationship with my need to overachieve. It has pushed me to set goals and accomplish those goals. But at the same time, it has caused anxiety and negative feelings of self-worth .
9. I love my friends.
Whether it be people from my past or people in my present, each person has played a significant role in my life. And for that, I am thankful. This feeling is what often prompts me to say "I love (fill in the blank)." Because I do. And I think people aren't told that enough. Of course, it gets tricky when I start trying to tell the guys in my life that I love them. Because, well, you know...
10. When I drink, I am more verbose.
Many things that I have said while under the influence, I would have said sober. However, after drinking there are a lot less barriers that separate me from the words. Hence this post.
11. I must accept disappointment as a part of life.
I was going to only have 10, but then I realized I had one more. Maybe it has been the disappointing situations in my life, that have led to the loss of my idealism. But more importantly, disappointment has taught me that I can't always be in control. It has taught me that while I might not like things the way they are now, it won't always feel this way. It has taught me that I just keep going.

Why me?

I've always blamed many of my troubles in life on the fact that I am short. It is true. I'm always seen as "cute." Well, that one is okay. But I can never reach things on the shelf- the bottom shelf of my cabinets. I have to build an unstable contraption to change the battery when my smoke detector beeps. Even with a step stool placed on top of a chair, I still had to stand on my tippy-toes to reach. Pants are always too long on me. When four or more people who are taller than me crowd around me, I disappear. And start to cry a little. (I'm a little claustrophobic). When I worked as a very busy and important receptionist, no one knew I was there. They couldn't see me behind the unusually tall desk. When I lecture one of my 3rd grade students, she is the one who bends to my level. The list goes on...
Ironically I've dated a number of tall guys. Tall girls tend to hate me for this.
I just saw an ad that promised to make me taller. Too bad it was for people age 12-25. Dammit. I just missed the cut off. I guess I'll just have to accept things the way they are. I swear, I have the worst timing. Curse my bad luck.

my new neighbors

I've had trouble sleeping lately. It is because of the noise-makers that have moved in next to me. They are constantly making noise right outside of my window. It is a wonder that I can be pleasant at all. I start each morning thinking "I hate those DAMN birds." Yes, there is a whole group of birds that live in the tree right outside my window. And they are constantly chirpping. It isn't cute. It is annoying. After my karaoke birthday bash, two friends late night slumbered at my apartment. They will say the same thing. The birds are too damn noisy.
Of course, that morning it wasn't just the birds. I really do have new neighbors who are loud. Apparently one is a kid. Who likes to play right outside my apartment. At 9:00am on a Sunday morning. Again, it isn't cute. Using my teacher voice, I opened my door and asked her to please play quietly. It didn't work. Perhaps I should have taken my friends advice and told the little girl to "Shut the hell up!" I wish I could say that to the birds. I wonder if the apartment managers will take me seriously if I file a complaint against the birds...
I can hear them now. I hate those damn birds.

more birthdaying

I had a great birthday. Wearing the Birthday Girl shirt while shopping was a brilliant idea. My favorite shoe store, Steve Madden, gave me a 10% discount for my birthday. At each store, the salespeople wished me a very happy birthday.
Birthday wishes continued throught out the day and into the evening. D made sure to include my birthday as part of the Journey announcements. It was so great! Then a group of us went to a hamburger dive for dinner. The carside burger joint was great for tailgating with friends. I bought 2 burgers, 2 beers and a basket of fries for less than $10. (It was cash only, and I was covering D. I did not eat 2 burgers. I did drink 2 beers.) It was SO good. And so much fun!
Today the birthday celebrating continued. There were birthday wishes and birthday brownies from students. Then dinner with my family. It is my plan to continue celebrating for as long as possible.

It's My Birthday!

Once again I plan to celebrate my birthday for as long as possible. I kicked it off on Friday by wearing my It's not my birthday shirt. When students asked me why I was wearing the shirt, I told them, "because it's not my birthday." Which then allowed me to remind them that my birthday is on Sunday. When I wore the shirt to dinner that night, it also got me lots of attention. And early birthday wishes.
Last night was my karaoke birthday bash. I kicked things off right with my infamous "I will survive" classic karaoke song. Later I debuted my new hit, Tracy Chapman's "Give me one reason". The karaoke DJ bought me my first shot. I was a little worried about the drinking since I've been so out of practice with lent and all. But I held my own. The party was SO fun. Good drinks, great friends, lots of singing...
Today is my actual birthday. Though it won't be the last of my birthday celebrating. I'm going shopping with Mom and Sis. I'll be wearing a borrowed Birthday Girl shirt that I made for 'Scarlett Morrow' on her birthday. Which means there should be lots of birthday love coming my way.
Happy Birthday to me!